*This is more of a journal-y blog post ~ I am writing out my thoughts on why I am feeling a certain way*
Tonight, one of the emotions I am experiencing is loneliness. I wanted to examine these feelings since they are being purposefully heightened to get my attention.
As a little girl, I didn't talk, much longer than the average child learns to talk. Sometimes, even after learning to talk I would just stare at people rather than respond to them. If someone would call me "sweetie pie" I would frown in protest and say, "That's not my name! My name is Wibbabef!" I was clueless when it came to teasing. I usually assumed the person was just being extremely cruel or I just had no idea what they were talking about.
I have the actual memory of being in a public place with my family - there was some sort of gathering but I sauntered off on my own, away from having to meet people. It made someone upset & I think it was that day that my mother said, "She's just shy." I knew what that word meant by that point but I'd never thought of myself as shy. Shy & timid always seemed to go together...I didn't feel timid - I just didn't want to meet new people.
I grew out of all of this - when I started talking I couldn't stop and really I was a pretty friendly little girl. But as the years went on and my brother & I got older...I began noticing that people seemed to pay more attention to my brother. Every siblings story, right? He's said the same thing to me - I guess it's just a normal things for siblings to compare themselves with each other.
We've always been close so usually I like to hang out with him - he wanted to make friends and I liked hanging out with boys more than girls. "Sam's little sister" stuck, though. Even in high-school when I'd made my own group of friends - most people knew me as "Sam's little sister".
For a good many years growing up I didn't mind being Sam's side-kick or being seen that way. I've always adored my brother & so it was fun to think of myself as his side-kick. We've had a lot of fun together. But he began wanting his own life, his own friends - which makes perfect sense. He was still the independent hero but I was out of job of being a side-kick. What I loved about the idea of being a side-kick is that there would always be someone there who knew me, cared about me & loved me. I often felt like an outsider [like many of us do] & knowing there was someone there made me feel like the world was spinning the on its axis.
He began to go his own path & so I started making my own friends...No one called me shy but people didn't really fixate on me, either. I'd make a best friend & then we fight terribly and it would eventually pull away from one another. The people in school either knew me as Sam's little sister or just knew me because I was in school with them. I also never really had a clique in school - I was usually on good terms with just about everyone. But never so much that I really felt like I belonged to one clique or the other. If I was really close to anyone, it would be a select one or two people.
Then I met Emily & she became my best friend. She was the only one who would put up with my anger, at the time. So much was going on because of the divorce and the multiple deaths...my brother pulling away - I remember I felt so, so angry all the time.
Eventually, I went to another highschool & for the first time *everyone* noticed me from the moment I walked in. The preps asked me to sit with them but all the guys staring at me made me uneasy and so I decided to go sit with a friend that I'd played basketball with when I was younger. She was part of the dark clique. Again, I didn't associate with just one clique but at this small school - I was being watched with a bright spotlight. I had become unknowingly popular and not always in positive ways. Mean rumors spread about me from people I didn't even know. I couldn't focus on my school work...the drama became more and more harder for me to handle.
Eventually, I asked my mom to take me out of public school & start homeschooling me and she did. So while I was homeschooling, Emily & I would play on the RP site where you create characters and stories and write them out together. Years passed on that site and we made quite a few good friends there. We both spent about the same amount of time on there, it seemed. But I started pulling away, like I usually do. Pulling away to focus on my studies, my theories and my own world.
At this co-op school I befriended some people but I wasn't interested in getting really close to anyone. At this point, I really didn't trust people, anymore. I had my clique - Sam, Emily and Kiye were the main one's. We were all brought together by the magical mysteries of life. We all knew we were different and because of that - it felt like living a double life. I didn't feel like I could let people in if they weren't a part of my group. Because we were discovering things that seemed to defy all reason from what we are told is real and not real & also probably because we, each, had already felt like outsiders.
Years later - just a month or two ago I got back on that old RP site and logged into the chat just to see who was on. A person I was pretty good friends with said, "Lisbeth." & then someone else who had been a regular on that site said, "I feel like I should know you." Before I could say anything my old friend said, "That's because you do, it's Vermalins cohort." Vermalin was Emily's username. I made a joke about that comment but my old friend simply replied, "If people can't remember you but know who Vermalin is than that makes you her cohort."
Everyone knew that Emily & I were best friends...We did often do roleplays together & sometimes I would just talk to Emily and a few other people. While as she did socialize more than I did. Again, I like to focus in on a person. It reminded me of that time when mom said, "She's just shy." I didn't feel shy or timid. And though I had a enjoyed being a side-kick when I was younger...I didn't feel like a cohort. Emily & I did our own separate thing. But there were times that I defended her passionately because people were ganging up on her.
From what I've seen is that I usually enjoy having one or two really close friends and then other friends whom I connect with when I can.
Despite everything I just wrote, I enjoy the company of others very much. But, I eventually I have to pull away & reload - I have to go back to my own world where it's just me and recharge.
I live an intense life being a Scorpio and the added intensity of another person can be overloading to me. But when I pull away, I don't think to tell people, "I'm pulling away to recharge." Often, I don't notice I'm doing it. Usually, that person will move on to something else or someone else. If I choose to interact again, they will interact but as group of friends begins to form - I often will need to take my breaks and then will feel very far behind in getting to know everyone...Even though people will connect with me they probably often feel that I am distant or maybe just busy with my own life.
I do live pretty blissfully on my own but truth be told - I'm actually not at my best when I'm alone all the time. I enjoy being social and connecting with others very much - it's like fuel to my being. At the same time, I also need my space to rejuvenate.
All my close friends in my little circle have either moved away or are growing up and doing their own thing. While I am connected to a wonderful group world-wide, now...That loneliness is still there. There are new budding friendships which I am very greatful for. But I think more than sharing my voice - I wish to be held, touch another's hand and just *be* with them.
Sometimes, I feel like people don't want to hear my message - that most people don't. I feel as though there's no time to talk to me, anymore. It's interesting because that same scenario played out with my brother. I'm ready to heal that pattern. I know people are there & the more they know the way I work and that I do truly want a friendship the easier it will be. I know that people do care about what I have to say - they wouldn't listen if they didn't - they care about me and they care about my happiness.
I do still feel different. I don't think I'm an outcast - it's not a bad or good different...just different. I know there are other people who are *different* like me. I don't think I'm the special one out. But, all I know is that I am only living from my perspective & that perspective wants to be seen, to be heard...to be held.
I want to see others, hear others and hold others.
I enjoy my alone time more than I ever have. I like the peacefulness of being on my own [though we are never truly alone]. The loneliness indicates that I want to try something different, though.
