There is a friend of mine who has been the hospital recently because of an infected wound. He's a year older than me and has never been in surgery before. He was frightened and wanted me to be there by his side. He's been "in-love" with me basically since the first day we met.
I have been visiting him on and off because I know this IS a genuinely difficult time for him & I know the difference it can make to have someone there for you during those kind of times in your life. But I've continued to show that I am not interested in bringing it further. It's not because he isn't my *type* [not sure if I have one]. It's because he's not actually in love with me.
When we first met I was still in a romantic relationship with Kirene. So my friends interest in me didn't really phase me - obviously I wasn't going to leave Kirene for someone else. Yet my friend persisted to have these feelings and desired for it to be a reality. I wasn't planning on getting really close to him.
Until the events of 2011 unfolded. A lot of my closest friends were stunned by what I was going through - even my brother & they all but left me to my own devices. Yet he listened to me & without being completely taken aback by what I was telling him. Without my realizing it ~ we became quite close & connected on a soul/psychic level.
After the life-changing events, I wasn't sure where Kirene and I stood. Things had happened & I had changed. I saw with a new perspective...I realized that a lot of the relationship had become about my happiness and what I wanted. I know we're never perfect but I didn't feel like it was equally benefiting us both, anymore. I needed space grow on my own and not have a crutch to fall back on. I wanted to learn self-love.
It was a big life decision to let go of our romantic relationship ~ even now, 3 years later, I sometimes want to go back on it. But last year I had the closure of talking to Kirene & both of us feeling it was for the best that we shift our relationship. It was then that I knew this wasn't just once again something that I wanted.
It became really messy with my friend. He declared he was in love with me when I was with Kirene & then after months of nothing happening decided he didn't want to be lonely anymore & started dating someone. Around that time is when I'd made the decision to let Kirene go...He soon finds this out & that's where it became chaotic.
He continued to declare his love for me both to me & to the person he was dating. I didn't want to be in that chaos trio with them - both putting their focus to me when it really had nothing to do with me. We tried all sitting together and talking, getting everything out in the open but it didn't help much. I refused to get in a cat fight with the girlfriend. I made the decision to cut off all ties with them both after staying in this situation longer than I should have. I had grown pretty close to my friend, as I said before, and was reluctant to let go of one of this friendship.
Time passed and we both wanted closure - so my friend and I talked. I felt intuitively that there was still something beneficial for us both about our friendship but knew this intuition could be off or it could still mean that there would be chaos & messiness even if there were benefits. He matters to me & I do care for him.
Yet, I have made it very, very clear that I am not interested in a romantic relationship with him. He chooses not to hear this.
My main reasons are this; he pushed to be with me when I was in a relationship, when he was in a relationship & after I had clearly stated I wasn't interested. His actions are a violation of boundaries which is what being violated is.
The other is that I do not have those sort of feelings for him. When he confessed to me, I didn't feel anything drawing me to him. I do not feel that he is interested in ME nor that he is in love with me. He is in love with the idea of me, he is in love with what he thinks I can do for him. Not the actual person who is feeling violated by his actions.
He has been SUCH a mirror back to myself. Much of his personality is similar to mine & even the way he see's the world in a poetic way. But his actions have strengthened my resolve to let Kirene go & why I chose to in the first place.
If I pushed to stay in a relationship with Kirene - I'd only be interested in the idea of him & what I think he could do for me. But I want to genuinely care about him as an individual person.
We all have this space within us that is hungry & that wants...desires to be fulfilled and sated. It's like there is a emptiness that we cannot fill. As children, we called out to our parents to fill this emptiness, to nurture us and care for us. Those needs don't go away as we age. And since our first introduction to caring for those needs is to be cared for by someone else - I believe that we often seek a parents comfort in our partners.
I know I did with Kirene - the comfort of a family. The only issue with both always seeking comfort from another person is they are virtually the same! They are also children seeking that same comfort - neither of us are omnipotent. But, I do believe there is a limitless energy from which we can connect with. Often this is represented through religion or the idea of higher power. Yet, that can become very dogmatic in its approach and not always serve its best purpose [at least for me].
My relationship with Kiye, actually led me to discover this space of self-love/connection with unending Source...
I can't say what is right or wrong for us - my need to be comforted by someone led me to someone who cared for me unconditionally & gave me more than I could've ever imagined or know how to give back.
So THIS is my small way of doing that - for myself. I learned that I wanted & still want self-love.
This doesn't mean being alone & never being comforted by other - it's that the core of my comfort is founded in know that I am caring for myself, that I am choosing to be comforted by others and anything I do is my choice. So I can choose to care for myself - some days that may be alone time, other days it may be chatting with a friend.
Though, like anyone else, there are those day where I really want to be in close to someone romantically, the fear of never being nurtured is disappearing. For even when I enter that world again - I want to enter it from a place of ME care for myself & not expecting the other person to be my God/Godess or my connection to Source. We have a direct line to Source which is perfect for us individually - there is no reason to try and use it from someone else.
Ellie
