It's not wrong...It's only how we sing our song.
This blog was originally created for me to write about my experiences and findings during my life-transforming situation in 2011. I have felt as though I should write it out and publish it. I have wondered if I should write about every experience and share the wisdom I learned through all of it. But each time I'd sit down to write it - I'd have as much a block in sharing it as I do in actually going back to that world.
I wondered if I had a duty, an obligation to share with the rest of the world. Now, I don't believe I do. Sometimes we try to make things happen out of obligation and it only makes things worse. Advice with good intentions given at the wrong time may just make a person feel worse rather than better.
Do you find yourself wondering if you are on the path that you should be? What is my purpose? What should I be doing? Am I fulfilling my life mission, my destiny that is written in the stars?
What if it's our destinies coalesce?
This is one of my deepest questions for myself: What gives me life meaning and purpose?
Could I answer? Could I even begin to know? How should I know! I'm not all knowing. Yet, there was a deep, deep desire to understand. To somehow begin to walk such a purposeful life. I had to, then, ask myself why? Where was this deep desire coming from? I felt a lack of purpose and meaning in my life.
When you're playing by everyone else's rules - you can't help but feel lost. When you can't stop to smell the roses...to take in all the colors and sensations of this moment - life loses it's sense of being alive. It causes you to ask, "What does this all mean? What is the purpose? Is there a purpose?"
I had to let go.
I had to die to the old me.
She wanted to be released. I wanted to fly. I wanted to know what it was like to believe in myself. To love and nourish my own damn heart. I wanted to know friendship with myself.
I let go of the belief that I couldn't be what I wanted to be and that I was obligated to be something I didn't want to be.
In a life or death situation, you have to choose. You can't be idle in your decisions. Because if you do, the choice is already made for you. Often times, not the one you want, either.
Choose, Elizabeth. Choose. It's now or never. You must make a choice. You must decide.
I had to take up my mantle. Choice for me also meant surrender because I wasn't 100% certain on either front. I wanted to know beyond a shadow of doubt that I was making the right choice. But life was screaming at me to decide - for ME to decide what was the best choice. For ME to decide what was right.
So I did...:-)
And the dreams that are continuing to unfold from that fateful day are nothing short of miraculous. Fate isn't set in stone. It is as alive and moving as we are. It dances with us, beside us through our journey.
So deep in the labyrinths of our minds we go ~ looking for the answers, searching on and on. But it's like a spiral which just keeps spinning. There is no end and no beginning. Our minds touch infinity.
I create. I create my life. I create my actions. I create my intentions. I form my world. This realization is my greatest gift to myself. What is there to fear but the fear of myself? There is an open expanse of freedom that I see when I truly give away my fear of my own personal power.
Recently I had been feeling some guilt about where I am at in my life. I felt like I should be doing more especially with the state of the world, right now. This guilt was pushing me to do more, more, more. I was stepping out of being the person I want to be and becoming obligated to be the person I thought I should be. Stress, overwhelm, anger...I burned out twice. Right now, I'm on the tale end of my last burn out. My body becoming physically ill both times.
What is worth? What gives something worth? I question my fears.
Is it only when someone is doing something that others see as heroic and giving?
Whenever I work a job I try to do my very best. I try to put love and appreciation in my work.
My first job was minimum wage and the overall attitude of most people working there was that it was just a means to an end. Why should they put there all into that job? It didn't really matter on the larger scale. But I believed that I needed to put my all into whatever I do. I believe that it was this attitude which got me a full-time job at a job which doesn't hire people full-time and I am getting paid far more than minimum wage for much less back-breaking work. At this job, my co-workers celebrate my desire to do my best where at my other jobs they suggested I not try so hard...care a little less.
You're never worthless. Whether you're working at Subway or working as a doctor. You can be homeless, a leper, or never have learned to write. You might be rich and spoiled. You might look different from everyone else. You might not like to play sports and exercise as much. It doesn't take away from worth. We choose, with our perspectives what matters to us and what is worthwhile. We can choose to put love, appreciation, fun and worth into what we are doing every day. We can choose to truly drink in all every moment has to offer.
Maybe we can sink into this idea; our reason to be is to experience and create. We put meaning into everything. We create what is worthwhile. This life is our canvas. It's not right, it's not wrong, it's only how we choose to sing our song.
How do I know that what I'm doing doesn't make a difference? My smile and kindness has helped others have a better day - there is significance in that. We're not just here to bring a message or complete a life mission. Isn't it okay that we're here - just simply - we are here. Nothing extra - we're here and that alone is our worth.
I know that I love my mother whether she is a nurse or an art teacher. I love her. Her existence brings me joy. I want to extend that same love to myself. I am simply grateful that I exist. Yes, there is a genuine desire in me to help make big, long-lasting improvements for this planet and that is a good desire. But that desire will no longer be laced with overwhelming should be's to be someone else and somewhere else than who I am and where I am.
I love you.
Ellie Bee
