Codependency

He's an alcoholic and you're a codependent.
It was hard for me to accept this truth but now it's an axiom of wisdom for me.
The first step is admitting I am powerless and that my life has become unmanageable. On to step two.
I am currently reading Codependent No More. It is great! I read the introduction first and just in those first few pages I highlighted almost everything I read. It felt like someone stole a page from my journal. Then he came home tonight and he'd been drinking. He apologized for being drunk. I guess he knew he reeked of alcohol. I spoke on a chapter from a daily reflection on how adult children of alcoholics disassociate from people. Cesar said he could relate...but then he began discussing his drinking and it led to him defending his drinking. I asked him why he was defending his drinking.
I decided I was going to ask him if he thought he had a drinking problem. A part of me thought that it was a bad idea but I thought maybe I was a chance to plant a seed with him. Secretly, maybe I just wanted to know for sure...even though I knew it meant he could hurt me.
He did hurt me. Of course he showed me without words that he DOES need King alcohol. Maybe next time I won't choose to see it through hurting myself. I don't have to be burned.
Right now I'm not attacking myself but my insides feel all twisted up. And I feel like someone took an energy vacuum and sucked up all my love, patience, tolerance and energy.
That's what I really wanted to know, right? I am a codependent, through and through. Maybe, like alcoholism, it's not something you can cure and it just goes away. Especially when you've spent a good portion of your life being that way.
But, I'm tired. Cesar said I'm tired all the time, yes, yes. I am tired. I am not ashamed because I didn't cause that. But I am working on it. I see a therapist, I go to an herbalist, I'm in a 12 step program...i have a sponsor. I take time to recover. The rest is in God's hands. Thanks to the program of recovery I can feel that way.

Vulnerability

To risk loving at all is courageous vulnerability. It means I am in 'the ring'. I am willing to fail, knowing I WILL fail but that is the only way to truly live.
I may have reached a plateau in some areas of my growth but that doesn't mean I'm not still moving forward. even though it doesn't seem like upward movement, I'm moving towards a goal courageously. There is always room for improvement but I don't have to beat myself up for that. It's good to have room to improve, it's also good to praise my successes.