Well, last year, I got lost - the metaphorical car crashed and I had to trek through the woods. There was no signs telling me where to go. If anything, the supposed signs were akin to Alice and wonderland. They were backwards and telling me to go every which way. For a while I walked through these woods clueless and scared - I was utterly lost. But eventually I found a new road...it was a road that not many found...It was my own personal road but I found that this road was shared by others and though at times only I could walk this path, others intersected with mine. It wasn't a road with signs, if you listened to signs rather than your own compass - you'd begin to find your way back to that road I'd been traveling for years. This road is like avalon from the mists of avalon. The mists will only part when you believe that it's there.
I didn't just learn new things, I became new. It was literally like being born again. My mother said it was like I was a child again. Everything was new to me. I slept with my light on and the world sparkled. Everything was new to me - I had so much to learn from my parents and friends changed. I questioned everything and I loved with a selflessness I don't think I've ever known. I found the light child. I found the reason to smile and the way of the heart that I'd lost. I may have been driving the same path for as long as I could remember, but my eyes were closed and I was watching the world. But the world is a dream. Hey, I wasn't grounded. That's why I am here again - I had to be grounded again. But as I've found myself here on this road again - I felt the innocence slip. I felt the heaviness again. And I wonder why I am depressed so much, now? I've experienced that purity - that rebirth, to be re submerged isn't exactly what I wanted to experience. In fact, it's what I most feared last year.
But I know it wouldn't matter much what I'd gone through if I couldn't be grounded again. Somehow, someway...I had to find that light within myself without going with my mind. It's who I really am, afterall.
I didn't know how likely it was but I knew it was worth trying. And I do believe that anything is possible...There is still a magic in my heart and mystery that leads me back to what brought me to the side of the road, walking into the woods in the first place.
From what I have experienced, innocence is never lost...But shrouded. It's the same with the light within us. It waits for the moment when it's needed. But never too much or too little...even if it may seem that way.
Something else I really am beginning to understand is that everything is always in divine order. This has been a hard one for me to swallow. I felt like something was wrong here. With everything, everyone - myself included. But, though I still have me doubts at times, that doesn't resonate with my anymore. I feel like something miraculous is always taking place. I can't always sense it and at times I can't stand what I sense - yet everything seems to be done in, with, for love. For a divine purpose and not by some distant and uncaring cosmos but a real, present consciousness. That is very much who I am and everyone else.
I know I could go back and maybe I will one day. But it's not an option right now. I know enough to know that I wouldn't make it one moment with the way I am right now. My own darkness would send me spiraling faster than I could say, "Hello!" It's not the way for me, now. There is a grounded way of approaching my life and I know that each step I take I move ever closer to that.
Moments of chaos, moments of the unknown...moments when there is utter confusion....These moments can be unsettling - no, downright scary. But it "un sticks" us. Maybe there isn't always a "plan". I don't know if divine plans it all out and everything is always going "according to plan" or if sometimes it just lets chaos reign and the chips fall where they may. Yet, chaos also knows it's purpose and has it's methods even if they are a bit method-less. I've had trouble grasping the opposite concept and that's why it's helpful to hear that it's a probable illusion, like time. It's needed here but it's an overall illusion.
Yet, the dark, scary moments subside. The message always rests in love.