Free to Struggle

"We're free to struggle, we're not struggling to be free." Wow, wow, wow...I think I just got a new perspective on all of this! I wanted to find a "better way" as I spoke in my earlier blog... The lesson I learn when I reach those depths of despair is that I am bankrupt when I close my heart to Love. I don't have to wait for the chaos storm. I am able to open my heart, right here and now. Maybe, that's been the whole point all along. Is it about letting love back in? What would happen if I surrendered completely to this love? "I have overcome death." Death has already been overcome...It's not about finding Heaven or True. It's here, it's now. Waking up is synonymous with being born. But waking up means becoming aware of something that is currently there. Wouldn't that be what an awakening is? Awareness of what is already here. I can awaken!!!! "I have overcome death,"...It's ringing in my head, over and over. It's a battle I don't have to fight because it's already been won. I think about the women who do natural, orgasmic births. They talk about how they can choose to move with the energy and that it naturally feels orgasmic but they could also let themselves slip into it being painful. If everything is energy than can we choose to let the pain become orgasmic, in a sense? What if every moment was a prayer? What if the energy that flowed through, we wouldn't close ourselves to? Let it flow ~ that is the pain that feels so wrong. Actually, sex teaches us fundamental things about life and ourselves. In that moment of pain where I finally surrender...It doesn't feel like I am surrendering out of choice but I am surrendering to the pain and frustration because I feel hopeless and it's too overwhelming. It feels like abuse. It feels like "it is against my will." I will meditate more one this! <3 Elizabeth

Dogs

"A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbol means nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do just fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn't care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always had trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not. As I wrote that farewell column to Marley, I realized it was all right there in front of us, if only we opened our eyes. Sometimes it took a dog with bad breath, worse manners, and pure intentions to help us see." - Josh Grogan Last night, I dreamed about my dog Mac and he died again, in my dream. Tonight, I watched Marley and Me and Marley dies at the end. I felt my throat tighten with sadness...and then it was gone...All of the sudden, it felt as if I had been captured with magic. Marley really wasn't gone...Now Marley lived in me. Do we ever truly die? Our energy lives on... For a moment, I wondered if life was like listening to a song for the very first time. All songs start and all songs end but they come from a place of endless, infinite song ~ this song is the heart. What if our lives are the same? An expression of the heart... I am asking a question, right now...Is there a better way? Is there something more? I think maybe there is...I think it is related to living Heaven on Earth. I'm not sure if there wouldn't be a sacrifice, though. Because I think it means giving up an ending...I think it means we'd stop dying. But I also think it's connected to me being able to fly, metaphorically and literally. Are we ready, I ask? Then, I think of that pain and I think of how it just doesn't feel right to me. I think we are ready. I we are ready to stop dying. Hmm, I think we are ready to stop forgetting. If what I have learned is true, than most of this suffering comes from amnesia. We chose this amnesia for ourselves when we incarnated. But like a butterfly, it might be time for us to wake up. Sometimes, when it becomes too painful to stay inside a "pod" anymore, one must burst free as an become a butterfly.

Shoujo Manga

Oh me, I always love reading my shoujo manga. I was introduced to manga by my friend Emily when I was 13/14 and I grew to love it. I remember when I first discovered shoujo manga and I would stay up all night into the morning reading it. It's a similar experience with my love-y Korean drama's which are usually based off of a shoujo type manga. It's one of the few things that makes me bubbly happy. I will smile real big and giggle and with a really good shoujo manga, my heart will soar. I always am drawn to the pure and kind spirit of the way many of the mangaka's write. Of course, it's totally my "budding young girl" thing, as well. I used to be embarrassed of that part of me but now it brings me much joy. Not to mention how hilarious they are to me! I love to watch the crazy way the mangaka will draw the characters and how silly they act. It's about the same way in the Korean drama's. I remember when I first discovered it, I felt like I had come home. Tonight, I stopped and reflected upon my past love ~ "Love is a wonderful thing." Love of a brother, a father, a mother and a friend. I thought of romance and blushing bright red. I thought of passion and I thought of those moments of encouragement. I thought of being curled up in a ball with my brother as we both cried our eyes out...I thought of all these beautiful, intimate moments...And I smiled, "Love is a wonderful thing." Those moments come and those moments pass. I am thankful for each one of them.

Return to Innocence

"Believe in something, not because it's the truth but because it makes you a better person to believe it." I believed in Kirene and I wanted to write that story. I broke down over my heart ache about Samuel ~ I screamed and asked the question "Why?!!!" Mother comforted me and touched my face. I realized that she knew what it felt like and didn't have the answers but she loved me - she wanted to comfort me, anyway. "I have to believe love and light prevails." There was no escaping the pain and I wanted to know why I would choose this for myself. I saw the white feather and it said it represented connection to the spirit and innocence, peace. I felt God there because of the love of my mother and because of the synchs such as, "There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning." Mother said this to me after I had been thinking about it earlier that day. And the "You are beautiful card" The next day mother and I talked about how things were changing in the Universe, we talked about the Indigo children and how there is a real new, world, a new paradigm. How a lot of us are wanting to live Heaven on Earth. We experienced energies in Pat's class but there is also something very important we learned in Mark's about connecting with the heart, fully accepting and loving all of who we are. I made a video about tapping more into my "light self" and holding a sacred space for this new paradigm - for heaven on earth. I got sick and fell into a bad mood. This morning I awoke after a long sleep and it was snowing outside. I clicked onto facebook and read an article about spiritual bypassing - it spoke much on what Mark had talked about. I felt torn, I agreed about spiritual bypassing taking place but I also knew that there was something to this vibration lifts and that they had great potency in my life, they weren't just for spiritual bypass. That there is an even more alive world! I want both, I don't want to spiritually bypass - I want a real connection with the heart and I want to bring heaven to earth. That is my wish. Then I turned on the computer and connected with a live chat from Kerli. They started talking about the tarot deck and how the arcana is from 0 to 22. The Fool to the Universe. And how the Fool was Kerli's favorite. She said there is talk about if the Fool is what one comes back to from the Universe - if that is wisdom. Being who they are without seeing if it's a good idea or not or what others will think. It's this innocence but it's not naivety at this point. It's choosing to believe in love because it makes you a better person. Kerli literally said that. I thought of the white feather and the white snow falling. I thought of the song, Enigma - Return to Innocence. "It's not the end, it's the return to yourself. The return to innocence." And then I remembered the picture that my dad posted on my facebook which I also saw that morning. http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/542082_395950200499374_1015738135_n.jpg Elizabeth Morgan The light shining on her makes me feel like she is witnessed by the Universe. She is unafraid to share her vulnerability - it feels like an authenitc call of the heart 3 hours ago via mobile · Like Elizabeth Morgan And it is so beautiful, there is an innocence to the wishing of her heart. Like blowing little pieces of a dandelion, a simple and childlike call. Yet it seems clear from the size of the dandelion that it is the loudest voice of this woman's heart and ...See More 2 hours ago via mobile · Edited · Like Elizabeth Morgan haha! didn't see she was in the air. That does change my interruption of the picture! 2 hours ago via mobile · Like Elizabeth Morgan It adds in some empowerment, she is pulled ever upward by the wishes of her heart, this innocence and authenticity makes her weightless - I feel something miraculous in action She is flying...Which is the wish of my heart...to fly. And the white feather also represent flight to me. This picture also represented innocence because of the use of the dandelion and the childlike feel to it.

Brand New ME

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Soul Sister Onyx for showing me this brilliant song by Alicia Keys. Brand New ME

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOSv1TIa58M

"It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God know something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me

It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised

If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been on to you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
And it ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free

Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised

Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth a while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least now i'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah"


It really, really did hurt when they walked away. It was probably the hardest part with all of this. 
But, I want to be me and I love who I am. 
Now I can finally breathe. This ain't bad, this a new kind of free. Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me.
And instead of second guessing all the time, I'm going to let em walk
Let em go
No need for cages for life's many stages
Love is here
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave

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