Never Too Late

The first post I ever posted on this blog was titled, "Growing up is never easy." I feel like my life has come full circle back to that place. After 2011 - I thought that I would always have this sense about what was best for me. I thought that there would be certain things that I wouldn't slip back into. But heartbreak and trauma can change a person and without the chance to truly heal...what might a person turn to? I've made choices over the past few years that I swore I'd never do - to myself. I had an idea of what loving myself meant but it's been forgiveness that I've found time and time again is the only way to go. In 2011 - during some of the toughest moments I wasn't always brave nor did I make good choices. I actually failed myself it seemed more deeply than I succeeded, it felt like. The only thing that really turned things around is when I forgave myself. That love ran deeper than anything else. So, a part of me has felt so much regret - I knew it was as if I had to fail myself to prove to myself that I could still be loved as a failure. I've been rebelling so much...especially to myself. I feel restrained in fear and so I jump out to try and be free. I thought things would be different this time but maybe what has changed is my ability to forgive myself. It may seem small but for me right now, it's everything. It's a step in the right direction. My heart is hurting so, so badly. I can see it beating and feels like it's strings are tattered and torn. But it's hanging on and continuing to do its job. I still need that healing...even more now. The trauma and the heartbreak tries to destroy me. I feel that in every moment I am instantaneously coming in contact with the one who wants me dead and the one who is inlove with me. Talk about insanity. Both realities. The one where I am the failure and my life ends in the worst way and also the one where I succeed and I am the happiest that I could possibly be. I am flying, I am falling. I feel the beauty of both. Even the one where I die. I feel the horror of this world seep into my skin and I cannot condemn it. I can only witness it. It is a story that must be spoken. I feel that now. All of me must be seen. I was so afraid growing up but maybe it's because I knew that this world was going to show me everything. It wasn't going to hide from me - I would listen and see it. I hear it talking to me. I hear myself talking to me. I hear others talking to me. We're not wrong - even the side of us that is defeated. The death of our Souls. It's there. It speaks to us in our nightmares if we will listen. I never thought I'd embrace my fear reality. It is hell on earth, to me. Yet, swimming in my heart there lives ALL the emotions...all the energy. Even in death, there is life. Even in hatred, there is love. And vice versa. I've been changed forever. I realized that my trauma had caused me to fight against my reality. I thought that things would be easier but it's seems they don't get easier - I get stronger, smarter and faster. I will still be tested and challenged. I have been feeling sorry for myself - honestly, "Why this pain? Why these tests? Why so many deaths? Why must I face this decision?" Opt out? I saw my life as my own child and I realized that for a child one could do anything. For a child, even though you don't know all the answers you'd still believe that life matters and that there is something worth living for. You would do your best - you'd stop complaining to the Gods of the state of this universe and the difficulty of it and you'd simply face the music. FACE THE MUSIC. It doesn't mean I must do things the way everyone else does - simply means don't run. Stand my ground and live this life.

Freedom

I've finally reached the next level. It's where all my efforts and actions come together and I get this huge epiphany moment and my soul comes screaming back to me - euphoria fills my whole being and I feel all fear leave. There is a balance in this life - of both order and chaos. Life is interwoven with both - trying to suppress one or the other is common. The feminine seems to be more chaotic and emotional and the masculine is more orderly + formed. How long have these two been fighting? That light was VS. the dark and not WITH. That the two were opposing forces rather than aspects of a whole. We condemn one for the other. Even those of us who say we're more intelligent than our overly dogmatic and religious predecessors...so often we are not. Some of us believe in extremes, we must always play things safe or we should always take that risk. Some of us are so open to life that we are never stable. There is no balance, there is no flow. We believe we must change who we are to be okay. Deeply ingrained in us is that we are inherently sinners. SIN. It haunts all of us. There is guilt living deep within the catacombs of our soul. I've made the decision to release my religious + dogmatic ways of living. I still believe that there is an over-all Spirit guiding and loving and living through each and all of us. I believe that life DOES matter. I will no longer turn a blind eye to certain aspects of myself. The darkness within me has thrived in it's twisted nature for it has never seen the light - it doesn't know that the light exists anymore than you believe that God exists. It's never know it's power. The parts that are darker which have only know it to be the disgruntled father telling it to get back into its corner or maybe it IS the one at fault - maybe it's inherently broken and needs to be saved by some figure of ORDER. And order turns its nose up to everything but itself. Why is it that we have glorified one evil over another? We are blind to ourselves. I may never be able to gather all the answers of this universe for I am a biased creature with a limited body but I sure as hell can try to discover as much as is possible with all that relates to me. I am a creature both of the light and the dark. I have potential to both create beautiful masterpieces and also to bring misery and destruction to others. Am I good? Am I evil? I'd say that I don't believe in either of them. What if the knowledge of the tree of good and evil was simply that - knowledge of and idea. It is dogmatic. It is religion. It is slavery. It creates VS with order and choas...male and female...with our anima/animus. No matter how many times I try to purge myself of chaos, she'll surely appear soon again. She is desire. ~~~~ There was a point where I felt like I hated God. God was dead. I realized that no one - not my parents or any soul family could save me...And I was an angel looking to get fucked hard. I also realized, no one's gonna take my soul away. innocence lost. There is freedom from this release of dogma. I don't think I can even go back now if I wanted to. I can witch hunt people anymore. I see how it's both of us needing to grow. often we are attracted to our best friends who are also are deepest enemies and fears. Maybe there is a part of them that is awful for us. It's the same with ourselves. A part of us will lead us to the greatest heights of joy and exstacy while the other will send us to the pits of hell. I've seen this. I've felt this. I've done the fucking work for this. I see the hypocrisy even in the best of intentions. It's only bad if it breaks you and you can't get back up. What's there to be afraid of more than your fucking SELF? And do you know your best friends would deliver you to the devil? They would sacrifice you to God? Befriend your deepest fear...When I was younger I believed even the devil just needed a friend. Maybe he needed someone to listen to him, to give him a chance...maybe he was lonely and it was the only thing he could do. What if I was more correct than I could EVER know? I'm done. I'm done burning myself at this damn stake. It's old and I've done it SO many times. I want intelligence and order in my life, I also want creative spontanaeity. What I will do is balance them - use my brain, my heart and my spirit. No longer be so obsessed with one way of doing things. I had wondered why I had to learn this shit through experience...before when I learned of darkness through experience it was pretty intense but it was in a blinded form. I knew the consequences this time. I knew I was walking into my own personal version of hell. I willingly went there because I knew my FRIEND was waiting there for me. My poor parts of me which had been abandoned and persecuted through out the centuries. The perverted, the one's who had died over and over for the sins of the WHOLE. Into that hell I walked. I came to this life to EXPERIENCE life not just to observe. People tell you to be careful and you should be intelligent, you should weigh risks but why is it our right to tell others not to experience the dangers?We cling to our safety nets as if we're not going to be dead one day. Our soul will live on but this body will not. We should do what we CAME here to do - we should create art...we should let our soul free and stop trying to control it's every move. We're so terrified of ourselves. I know that about myself. I fear my own soul want to destroy me and will it? Is the devil un-friendable? Maybe, maybe not. I think it depends on the situation and the person. But I will not live that religious, dogmatic life, anymore. Freedom is sweet.

So, what DO you desire?

There's an idea that no matter what one tries to do to suppress the desires of the heart - they will eventually will bleed through in all of our decisions. The heart wins. It sometimes causes us to make very poor decisions and hurt not only ourselves but our loved one's. Rather than hating ourselves we can choose to look at WHY we make these decisions. What exactly was my heart desiring? What desire have I been blocking, over-looking or believing to be wrong and thus not further investigating it? There isn't just one way to deal with a desire. I've also noticed that the more you listen to all aspects [all is an exaggeration - i don't mean to paint an extreme picture] of yourself...the less bitchy they are. Sometimes, they will leave you alone all-together.

What are my desires?

This isn't an easily answered question. Some of my desires may be so deeply buried and closely gaurded that I cannot even be aware of them, at this time, if I were to attempt to.

But, it's still worth the effort to take that first step towards identifying my current desires. I believe if I can get into the habit of doing this - it will be a beneficial tool for the rest of my life and a core one at that.