Never Too Late

The first post I ever posted on this blog was titled, "Growing up is never easy." I feel like my life has come full circle back to that place. After 2011 - I thought that I would always have this sense about what was best for me. I thought that there would be certain things that I wouldn't slip back into. But heartbreak and trauma can change a person and without the chance to truly heal...what might a person turn to? I've made choices over the past few years that I swore I'd never do - to myself. I had an idea of what loving myself meant but it's been forgiveness that I've found time and time again is the only way to go. In 2011 - during some of the toughest moments I wasn't always brave nor did I make good choices. I actually failed myself it seemed more deeply than I succeeded, it felt like. The only thing that really turned things around is when I forgave myself. That love ran deeper than anything else. So, a part of me has felt so much regret - I knew it was as if I had to fail myself to prove to myself that I could still be loved as a failure. I've been rebelling so much...especially to myself. I feel restrained in fear and so I jump out to try and be free. I thought things would be different this time but maybe what has changed is my ability to forgive myself. It may seem small but for me right now, it's everything. It's a step in the right direction. My heart is hurting so, so badly. I can see it beating and feels like it's strings are tattered and torn. But it's hanging on and continuing to do its job. I still need that healing...even more now. The trauma and the heartbreak tries to destroy me. I feel that in every moment I am instantaneously coming in contact with the one who wants me dead and the one who is inlove with me. Talk about insanity. Both realities. The one where I am the failure and my life ends in the worst way and also the one where I succeed and I am the happiest that I could possibly be. I am flying, I am falling. I feel the beauty of both. Even the one where I die. I feel the horror of this world seep into my skin and I cannot condemn it. I can only witness it. It is a story that must be spoken. I feel that now. All of me must be seen. I was so afraid growing up but maybe it's because I knew that this world was going to show me everything. It wasn't going to hide from me - I would listen and see it. I hear it talking to me. I hear myself talking to me. I hear others talking to me. We're not wrong - even the side of us that is defeated. The death of our Souls. It's there. It speaks to us in our nightmares if we will listen. I never thought I'd embrace my fear reality. It is hell on earth, to me. Yet, swimming in my heart there lives ALL the emotions...all the energy. Even in death, there is life. Even in hatred, there is love. And vice versa. I've been changed forever. I realized that my trauma had caused me to fight against my reality. I thought that things would be easier but it's seems they don't get easier - I get stronger, smarter and faster. I will still be tested and challenged. I have been feeling sorry for myself - honestly, "Why this pain? Why these tests? Why so many deaths? Why must I face this decision?" Opt out? I saw my life as my own child and I realized that for a child one could do anything. For a child, even though you don't know all the answers you'd still believe that life matters and that there is something worth living for. You would do your best - you'd stop complaining to the Gods of the state of this universe and the difficulty of it and you'd simply face the music. FACE THE MUSIC. It doesn't mean I must do things the way everyone else does - simply means don't run. Stand my ground and live this life.