Work

I'm writing this while I'm in one of my *spells*. For almost two years now I've been in a deep depression. I haven't posted on my blog in quite some time. I've felt unmotivated and almost want to punish myself from the good things in my life - one out of fear and two because I'm dealing with a lot of self loathing. I am writing this now to get a better understanding of my mindset during one of these bouts of depression. Something triggers it and I become totally paralyzed by it. Especially during the Spring when I am already mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted by work. I'm now seeing a counselor about my depression and anxiety issues. I want to be more aware of what I'm thinking and feeling during these times so I can better learn how to heal.
I've been working my job at Colliers for 4 years now. They've flown by. Time goes by so much faster when I'm working everyday. My life has been very rocky. I have trouble sticking to a routine. I somehow managed to get my health back on track after a severe chronic pain problem called IC. It was one of the scariest things I've faced yet. Having a full time job and a deep relationship with a boyfriend has really taken its toll on me. I started to feel like I had no voice and barely existed. I pulled away from all social interaction and have to motivate myself hardcore to go out and socialize. I went from being so hopeful about life to basically fighting to have any hope at all. It hurts to have fallen so far and to feel so weak. But I know that I am not. I know I'm much stronger than I want to admit to myself. I don't want the power that comes with the responsibility. I am terrified of what I'll have to face. My fear has crippled me. I feel like I was a giant taken down by a stone.
My counselor told me the importance of gratitude in my life...but a part of me is fearful of truly going into that. I want to protect myself...so desperately I want a place that feels safe. I am so sensitive to life and I feel like I'm becoming more and more warped. But it's hard for me to tell anymore. "Chasing True." My connection to my higher power or the being True...i think that's where I feel the most self loathing. I feel like a coward...how did I ever let myself get into this situation?