Heart

I don't cry much at all anymore. When I was younger it happened quite frequently and I processed my emotions quickly. Things rarely just hung over me. When I cry now it's from a build up of too much stress, anxiety and hopelessness exploding into a melt down. The tears rarely feel safe. In the past I saw crying as a healthy and needed part of life but now it makes me feel too naked...exposing my underbelly to this world.
At the same time, I don't understand how I continue to move forward and continue to push myself with how depleted spiritually that I feel. My heart aches atleast once a week. I spiral into depression atleast once a week. I don't cry usually. I just feel hopeless. I feel scared all the time. I don't feel safe very often. I don't have fun very often. When I do it surprises everyone how much I light up. They think I'm on drugs or something but it's simply that I don't have fun anymore. I don't like Journaling because it makes me look at the hard truth of where I am...especially emotionally. I haven't been this out of touch with myself in a long time. It's like doors to my heart just finally closed...it didn't want to but it seemed to have no other choice to survive. I've become a much colder, cynical person...angry at small things. I try to remind myself to forgive and to let go of the small things. It's helping some. I don't like where I am...I am flabbergasted by it to some degree because I never saw it coming. I was naive - I don't want to blame myself for that. I didn't try to ignore the signs of where I was headed. There were so many signs before this started telling me to caution myself with Tristan. I thought it was because he would be a bad person in my life but now I see that things are never that simple. It was just that things were going to become A LOT more challenging for me. I rushed into the storm head first like I did in 2011, not prepared for the consequences of my actions. Since I chose something for my heart...my heart would have to pay the universe back. Karma? I'm starting to believe that the universe must keep the balance....everything has a price. Whether your see it as good or bad. And that's a part of responsibility that I never wanted to see. Because life is still not fairly balanced...or balanced in your own well beings favor. It simply balances as the sun rises each day. Yet, some part of me believe that the universe does have some sense of benevolence.  I really don't know who I am...right now or what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm traumatized by life and I don't know how I'm ever going to heal from it when it's very sick and messed up on this planet we call our home.
I can't looking away from the truth...my heart is a mess. A big, fat mess. What do I need?