I have to bring the shovel.

My higher power has helped me every step of the way. This journey hasn't been anything like I expected it or wanted it to be. But that's kinda what life has always been for me. I knew that after 2011...life is beyond unpredictable.
I had a truly enlightening and soul awakening spiritual experience in 2011. It changed the way I see the world forever and it is the birthing point of the newest, healthiest version of me. But it was JUST the beginning...I had no idea the journey ahead of me or what my higher power had in mind. More and more, I feel less like the terrified, lonely little girl that I was before 2011...and more and more like the confident, self-loving and accepting women that I am becoming.
My higher power is a light in the darkness, my compass...my north star. But I, and I alone, am the one who walks out this journey of mine. No one else propels my feet to move. My growth is in proportion to the action I put behind my inspirational spiritual experiences. I was not cured of my alcoholism, my codependency or self-love defency by one life-altering spiritual experience. Though I had "seen the light" - I could easily lose sight of all the awareness I had been given if I did not put action behind those experiences. Beautiful, sacred spiritual experiences couldn't make me whole and healthy alone...it requires determination, willingness, humility, action, asking for help, honesty, courage, compassion, surrendering to a power greater than myself and doing the next right thing moment after moment. I stumbled often...more than I ever would've thought after what I'd already been through...but damnit, I learned. I watched and became acutely aware of my issues. Of course there may always be more to reveal like peeling back layers from an onion. But every so called failure has only brought me closer to my next breakthrough. I had fears that I would have to experience terrible romantic relationships...and since I'd only ever dated Kirene, I had no idea what was in store. My deepest fears came true after having dated 3 narcissistic men over the course of 5 to 6 years. We were spellbound to one another each time as if drawn together by a magical trance. I am learning now that a codependent and a narcissist are perfectly matched to one another despite the highly dysfunctional nature of the relationship. We are the perfect dance partners. The only way to change that pattern is to undergo therapy and work to let go of childhood trauma and learn healthy relationship skills. I am now finally receiving the help I have needed from a therapist. I am also in AA/CA and have reached a year of sobriety, just for today. I am almost finished working the 12 steps of recovery. And yet my journey has still only JUST begun. Again, I hardly recognise the girl I was when this all started. I thought my transformation in 2011 would rid me of my unhealthy relationships patterns, my disorders and my addiction problems...but I had a lot to learn about having patience with the healing process. From what I've seen, we are rarely rendered white as snow. Healing is an active word...it take work and dedication. But it is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and there is still so much more to come. I can say that today I am proud of where I am. It feels amazing to finally be setting healthy boundaries for myself, standing up for myself and taking much needed self care time. Relationships are still in the very early stages of healing for me but I still see amazing amounts of growth where that is concerned. I'm grateful that I chose to reach out and ask for help. Now, my prayer is to have the willingness to be of true service to others without coming from a place of guilt or shame or obilgation.

Just for today

The present moment is a gift. How difficult it has been for me to let go of the past...for me to accept death, mine and yours. How difficult it still is. It pains me to accept the vulnerability of life...the limitations, the realities. Of course! I am made of stardust and my Soul is infinite...but this vulnerable body, and this human life is not. The first thought in that is fear, then a landslide of emotions...anxiety, terror, rage, bargaining, denial, sorrow...victimization, pride...indulgence. How do I cope? Why? These have been my questions...but...I'm beginning to understand on a soul level...take in each moment as it comes...just as you would eat a delicious meal served by the love of your life...just as you would appreciate a song that life your soul to the greatest heights. Life is a journey, it is a work of art...a string of breaths meant to be appreciated every step of the way...the second thought could be grace...It could be one of love. Love...love is acceptance. I don't have to have all the answers...this isn't a math equation, this is an EXPERIENCE.