So tonight I want to write about relationships. Most of my friendships with people my age are a little rocky right now. Some of them are over and other one's just aren't the same anymore. The last few days I've felt on the defense...like someone was going to hurt me. I had a dream where I got into a fight with Skye...It was very real and I knew that the response was waiting to come from my lips. It made her so angry. It was the same feeling that I got when I would have the dreams about Emily and there was a response I was itching to say but it never ended well. At the end of the day, Emily and I didn't have to truly experience that dream. I never hurt her like that. I know I've hurt her but not in that way and to me that would've been harder for me to forgive myself for then letting her go. Because at least I'm trying to act out of love rather than being terrible to her and saying something that I don't really believe. I don't want to say every thought I have about a person because I don't think that is fair to the person or myself. A lot is thought and felt when a person is feeling hurt and angry but a lot of it isn't true and when you say the words you can't take them back. Well, we all slip up and say things anyway but I want to try and live more by the words I speak and hurting other people purposefully is not on my list of "to do's" in life. I have mixed emotions because part of me feels hurt by the friendships and another part of me is intrigued by the discoveries I've made since I've opened myself back up to testing the water with romance again. I've met a few people who interest me but I haven't felt the real desire to go any farther then accepting the thought that I'm interested and that's nice to admit it. It's not that I haven't pursued it some but I also don't think I want to jump right into relationships just to "test the waters". I don't want to play games with people and I am more interested in a long term relationship...Maybe not the rest of my life long term but it's such a personal thing that I'd have to feel very close to that person. It's been a while since I've been back in the field of worrying about someone having to "get to know me" and the fear that when they do feel like they sufficiently know me, I won't be enough or...I'll be way too much. Haha! But I'm not too worried...At the end of the day I am who I am and if someone doesn't want to accept that then there isn't a thing I can or want to do about that. I don't have to be in a relationship with anyone to truly be happy or feel worthwhile, anyway. So it's not like I am dying of thirst over here. Sure, I have desires that I know won't go away simply because I am human but that doesn't mean I plan to live my life for "the one" in that way. I want to live for "the one" in us all...in me. I'm trying to trust my intuition more. Trust my heart and not think into things so much but listen and learn. I hear the pain and I know it's trying to be processed through so I want to open to the change and the growth at a slow pace. I'm learning that it's okay to take things slowly. I have all the time in the world because everything happens when it should. But I've also learned that there is no tomorrow. There is only today so with that in mind I am also learning to live in the now moment rather then waiting for another day to arrive. Because it never will. It is here, it is now.
Thank-you!
-Elizabeth
Monday, February 27, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
There never was a door.
I was laying in bed before going to sleep. I was thinking about how maybe I needed to take a break from all of this...stuff. How maybe, "normal" wasn't so bad. And then I thought about the show I just watched and how the things I don't consider normal are the things I love.
And then I said to myself...Once, all I wanted was not to be normal, to live in the world I am living in. I thought that would "save" me. Here I am living in it and I want to go back to normal because I think that will "save" me. Then I realize it was never about living in two different worlds and one being better than the other. That one door led to freedom and the other one didn't. But I started to rationalize it thinking that maybe it was this "feeling" I needed to escape. That it wasn't the worlds around me but it was ME that I needed to escape. That there was something inherently wrong within me.
And then it all hit me. No. There is nothing for me to escape. Everything is the way it is. This is ME, all of this. The weird stuff and the normal stuff and even the part of me that suffers and suffers. That's me and it doesn't need to be changed. In that moment, I understood the phrase, "I was always looking for the doorway out and now I see there never was a door."
In one blinding moment I realized the truth like a cement block in my mind. This is me, like it or not, it's who I am. I knew in that very moment that may be potentially the biggest thing I will ever realize about myself. Because even now, I am again scrambling for the door "out" - when moments before I finally saw it for what it was. There never was a door "out". No more words need to be said....except for thank-you.
-Liz
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Reflections of Truth
I haven't posted in a while mostly due to the fact that I've been under a lot of stress and so even when I do have a spare chance to write it's the last thing I'm thinking about doing.
I want to talk about animals [not including humans though we're really just glorified animals].
People have always wondered why I love animals so much. Well, not everyone but those people don't have to ask or maybe just respect who I am. As a young child I would growl and bite. My favorite characters were always creatures. And I didn't just like them but I was almost obsessed with them. Star wars? Chewie and the ewoks. Favorite movie of all time was E.T and Milo and Otis featuring an adventure with a dog and a cat. I usually revolved around movies with animals or aliens. With all that being said I remember the strongest feeling I always had with this was a great love. I felt I could relate, I felt at home and I felt a deep trust.
I've noticed something about animals, they teach us something about ourselves. Each and every one of them. And how you treat an animal speaks greatly of where you are as a spiritual being. It doesn't mean the spirit of who you are is cruel and blind it only means that this is the way you would act without the masks we wear to protect ourselves.
Let's say you have a cat? What would you do and say to this cat that you'd never dream of doing to a human? Can you really justify it by saying they aren't intelligent enough to comprehend it? Are you saying you would also do this to a small human child? Do you find yourself calling them mean names? Seeing them as nothing very important and your needs are more important then theirs? Do they annoy you and you have no patience for their needs? Of course, some of this is to the extreme. But I have been guilty of being more restless with animals and even yelling when I wouldn't normally do so with a human. Just because they can't talk back to us doesn't mean it doesn't affect them. Everything is energy, everything is affected by energy we send forth. And if that is combined with consciousness which is life itself then everything is felt and known on some level. They are watchers of sorts, I believe. Unveiling what we are truly feeling and thinking. Because it's true that if one believed that another person was as unintelligent as an animal they would treat them the same way they treat other animals. So to some level, it isn't a person's integrity the way they treat other's but a mask to protect themselves from being shunned like an animal. You can actually learn so much from animals, though. Each and everyone that comes into your life brings you a message about yourself and when watched with love and respect amazing things happen. This is truth for me, as I've experienced it personally. If you're afraid of an animal they usually represent something that you fear within your own life and experience. Take each on in as your guide and remember, humans are also animals. We are all one on this planet though some of us cannot speak and some of cannot move[plants] but we are all a part of a bigger family in which such differences do not matter and all our treated with love and respect. I believe truly seeing Earth as not just an inanimate rock but a motherly being watching over us all is the beginning to this unity within us all. None of us are better or worse. Intelligence does not make a persons worth. And our so called 'intelligence' isn't even all it's made up to be. There's plenty to know but not many truly understand. And that can be more commonly found among animals. Because some things in life are simple. Be who you are, that's why you're here.
I am so greatful for the gift of knowledge. I am so greatful for all the brother's and sister's who have guided me. "Fear not, the only thing that approaches are your guides." This is something a guardian voice told me. My problem wasn't really with animals. My problem was more with people. I always wanted to be something other than a human. I felt more at home with everything else, it was being human that truly felt new to me. I didn't understand 'culture' or the 'way things work'. And when I did begin to learn it, it wasn't such a pleasant experience for me. I had become bitter toward humans. I felt it was their fault I was the way I was. I had learned this way of living from them and it had changed things for me that I never wanted to change. I blamed 'someone else' for my problems. Which was the most human thing I could've done. I couldn't see it then but by feeling the way I did I had truly learned the way of many humans. Putting blame on something that doesn't exist. There is no 'other'. There is only one power in the universe, God. I chose to be human. I chose to learn this lesson. I had learned the other lessons and now it was time to test myself as a human one of the more difficult lessons. But has it been worth it?
All I can say is this, I am eternally grateful. For every single lesson I have learned on this journey. The love is unchanging and yet it speaks to me with new words and feelings. The message is the same but from a new perspective it is truly a wonder to be in awe of. To be a man who does not see the very magic of life itself to seeing it in everything he does is the greatest gift anyone can be granted. But not only this - I have been allowed to share this with others. To be a part of a great change. There are no words for this place in my heart.
-Elizabeth
I want to talk about animals [not including humans though we're really just glorified animals].
People have always wondered why I love animals so much. Well, not everyone but those people don't have to ask or maybe just respect who I am. As a young child I would growl and bite. My favorite characters were always creatures. And I didn't just like them but I was almost obsessed with them. Star wars? Chewie and the ewoks. Favorite movie of all time was E.T and Milo and Otis featuring an adventure with a dog and a cat. I usually revolved around movies with animals or aliens. With all that being said I remember the strongest feeling I always had with this was a great love. I felt I could relate, I felt at home and I felt a deep trust.
I've noticed something about animals, they teach us something about ourselves. Each and every one of them. And how you treat an animal speaks greatly of where you are as a spiritual being. It doesn't mean the spirit of who you are is cruel and blind it only means that this is the way you would act without the masks we wear to protect ourselves.
Let's say you have a cat? What would you do and say to this cat that you'd never dream of doing to a human? Can you really justify it by saying they aren't intelligent enough to comprehend it? Are you saying you would also do this to a small human child? Do you find yourself calling them mean names? Seeing them as nothing very important and your needs are more important then theirs? Do they annoy you and you have no patience for their needs? Of course, some of this is to the extreme. But I have been guilty of being more restless with animals and even yelling when I wouldn't normally do so with a human. Just because they can't talk back to us doesn't mean it doesn't affect them. Everything is energy, everything is affected by energy we send forth. And if that is combined with consciousness which is life itself then everything is felt and known on some level. They are watchers of sorts, I believe. Unveiling what we are truly feeling and thinking. Because it's true that if one believed that another person was as unintelligent as an animal they would treat them the same way they treat other animals. So to some level, it isn't a person's integrity the way they treat other's but a mask to protect themselves from being shunned like an animal. You can actually learn so much from animals, though. Each and everyone that comes into your life brings you a message about yourself and when watched with love and respect amazing things happen. This is truth for me, as I've experienced it personally. If you're afraid of an animal they usually represent something that you fear within your own life and experience. Take each on in as your guide and remember, humans are also animals. We are all one on this planet though some of us cannot speak and some of cannot move[plants] but we are all a part of a bigger family in which such differences do not matter and all our treated with love and respect. I believe truly seeing Earth as not just an inanimate rock but a motherly being watching over us all is the beginning to this unity within us all. None of us are better or worse. Intelligence does not make a persons worth. And our so called 'intelligence' isn't even all it's made up to be. There's plenty to know but not many truly understand. And that can be more commonly found among animals. Because some things in life are simple. Be who you are, that's why you're here.
I am so greatful for the gift of knowledge. I am so greatful for all the brother's and sister's who have guided me. "Fear not, the only thing that approaches are your guides." This is something a guardian voice told me. My problem wasn't really with animals. My problem was more with people. I always wanted to be something other than a human. I felt more at home with everything else, it was being human that truly felt new to me. I didn't understand 'culture' or the 'way things work'. And when I did begin to learn it, it wasn't such a pleasant experience for me. I had become bitter toward humans. I felt it was their fault I was the way I was. I had learned this way of living from them and it had changed things for me that I never wanted to change. I blamed 'someone else' for my problems. Which was the most human thing I could've done. I couldn't see it then but by feeling the way I did I had truly learned the way of many humans. Putting blame on something that doesn't exist. There is no 'other'. There is only one power in the universe, God. I chose to be human. I chose to learn this lesson. I had learned the other lessons and now it was time to test myself as a human one of the more difficult lessons. But has it been worth it?
All I can say is this, I am eternally grateful. For every single lesson I have learned on this journey. The love is unchanging and yet it speaks to me with new words and feelings. The message is the same but from a new perspective it is truly a wonder to be in awe of. To be a man who does not see the very magic of life itself to seeing it in everything he does is the greatest gift anyone can be granted. But not only this - I have been allowed to share this with others. To be a part of a great change. There are no words for this place in my heart.
-Elizabeth
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