So tonight I want to write about relationships. Most of my friendships with people my age are a little rocky right now. Some of them are over and other one's just aren't the same anymore. The last few days I've felt on the defense...like someone was going to hurt me. I had a dream where I got into a fight with Skye...It was very real and I knew that the response was waiting to come from my lips. It made her so angry. It was the same feeling that I got when I would have the dreams about Emily and there was a response I was itching to say but it never ended well. At the end of the day, Emily and I didn't have to truly experience that dream. I never hurt her like that. I know I've hurt her but not in that way and to me that would've been harder for me to forgive myself for then letting her go. Because at least I'm trying to act out of love rather than being terrible to her and saying something that I don't really believe. I don't want to say every thought I have about a person because I don't think that is fair to the person or myself. A lot is thought and felt when a person is feeling hurt and angry but a lot of it isn't true and when you say the words you can't take them back. Well, we all slip up and say things anyway but I want to try and live more by the words I speak and hurting other people purposefully is not on my list of "to do's" in life. I have mixed emotions because part of me feels hurt by the friendships and another part of me is intrigued by the discoveries I've made since I've opened myself back up to testing the water with romance again. I've met a few people who interest me but I haven't felt the real desire to go any farther then accepting the thought that I'm interested and that's nice to admit it. It's not that I haven't pursued it some but I also don't think I want to jump right into relationships just to "test the waters". I don't want to play games with people and I am more interested in a long term relationship...Maybe not the rest of my life long term but it's such a personal thing that I'd have to feel very close to that person. It's been a while since I've been back in the field of worrying about someone having to "get to know me" and the fear that when they do feel like they sufficiently know me, I won't be enough or...I'll be way too much. Haha! But I'm not too worried...At the end of the day I am who I am and if someone doesn't want to accept that then there isn't a thing I can or want to do about that. I don't have to be in a relationship with anyone to truly be happy or feel worthwhile, anyway. So it's not like I am dying of thirst over here. Sure, I have desires that I know won't go away simply because I am human but that doesn't mean I plan to live my life for "the one" in that way. I want to live for "the one" in us all...in me. I'm trying to trust my intuition more. Trust my heart and not think into things so much but listen and learn. I hear the pain and I know it's trying to be processed through so I want to open to the change and the growth at a slow pace. I'm learning that it's okay to take things slowly. I have all the time in the world because everything happens when it should. But I've also learned that there is no tomorrow. There is only today so with that in mind I am also learning to live in the now moment rather then waiting for another day to arrive. Because it never will. It is here, it is now.
Thank-you!
-Elizabeth
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