There never was a door.

I was laying in bed before going to sleep. I was thinking about how maybe I needed to take a break from all of this...stuff. How maybe, "normal" wasn't so bad. And then I thought about the show I just watched and how the things I don't consider normal are the things I love. 

And then I said to myself...Once, all I wanted was not to be normal, to live in the world I am living in. I thought that would "save" me. Here I am living in it and I want to go back to normal because I think that will "save" me. Then I realize it was never about living in two different worlds and one being better than the other. That one door led to freedom and the other one didn't. But I started to rationalize it thinking that maybe it was this "feeling" I needed to escape. That it wasn't the worlds around me but it was ME that I needed to escape. That there was something inherently wrong within me. 

And then it all hit me. No. There is nothing for me to escape. Everything is the way it is. This is ME, all of this. The weird stuff and the normal stuff and even the part of me that suffers and suffers. That's me and it doesn't need to be changed. In that moment, I understood the phrase, "I was always looking for the doorway out and now I see there never was a door." 

In one blinding moment I realized the truth like a cement block in my mind. This is me, like it or not, it's who I am. I knew in that very moment that may be potentially the biggest thing I will ever realize about myself. Because even now, I am again scrambling for the door "out" - when moments before I finally saw it for what it was. There never was a door "out". No more words need to be said....except for thank-you. 

-Liz