Life & Sex

This title is almost redundant with what I am about to say.
Sex is linked so evidently with life, with what life is all about. What's the first thing that can be said about sexual energy? It is very powerful and potent. It is also unbiased & truthful. Meaning what you believe and send out is what you are going to get, no questions asked.
I have learned a lot from sex about life.
In a healthy sexual relationship:
1. Being Present
2. Focus on breath
3. Willingness
4. Love and/or respect for the other person and yourself
5. Healthy boundaries
6. True intimacy
7. Good communication or healthy lack there of
8. Being able to be who you really are and be accepted
9. Being open


Powerlessness, victim hood, lack of control, or the other end of the spectrum, something that is supposed to be sacred becoming your worst nightmare - this is also very possible. 


Then there is the bland kind that maybe leave a bad taste in your mouth and makes all of it seem just sort of meaningless. Is it boring...Even the pleasure isn't worth the "aftertaste"? Carnal pleasure isn't necessarily fulfilling without the other key components. Listening to your body, mind and heart, being attentive and present, being accepting and loving.


Sex is the great expression of our dance with life and when we see just how very sacred it truly is - then we know from within our depths that we are inherently sacred.


It is our greatest creative tool! With sex you can express so many different things and when you bring respect and love into the situation then the possibilities of magic and fun our endless. This is a direct connection to the divine, which is our true nature. There are so many worlds that we only get glimpses of and that sexual energy can bring us to. It can harm us incredibly or heal - it all matters how you express it. 
There are so many ways to experience this energy and most importantly, this energy will express itself truthfully - all veils and masks aside. This is where you can truly feel yourself and your thoughts. Which can be very scary or very beautiful. There is no right or wrong - only awareness. Loving oneself - it's about listening and being open to all of who you are. Ask the right questions, be flexible. Think of life as your lover, how do you treat yourself and how do you see your lover? 


How you feel about sex is how you feel about life in the deep places that drive you. This is truth, from my own experience.


-Until my next post - I ask that you be more present with yourself - be gentle and light. Let the river of feelings flow through you. Listen to the body, it usually knows a lot more than the mind thinks it knows. There is so much grace & friendship and feelings of love that I become overwhelmed but very greatful.

Grieving

Be warned: I am about to write a little bit about my "love" life. I don't know if it's nessecarily appropriate for me to talk about it here. But well, it has been a big part of my daily life as of late. Also, I didn't bring my journal with me to my father's so this'll be a substitute. I do want to write a little bit about some interesting synchronicity - that'll come later, though.
I just watched a movie that made my heart smile. It had to do with the love of words and books and finding someone else who connects with you on that level - without meeting them in person first. This reminded me of how Kiye and I met. I fell in love with his soul, first. And all of it happened through words. I think of so many nights just waiting for him to get online so that I could read an email from him. I remember the joyous laughter that almost scared me! It makes me smile just thinking about it. I couldn't help myself when I would read his words. I don't think I even laughed like that as a little girl. I remember a thought of him entering my mind during the day and I would begin smiling ear to ear. It's actually how I started singing to myself again.
But without going into all the messy, yet beautiful details of my heart and my life the last few years with this special someone - I'll try to get to the point [if there even is one, it's two in the morning and I'm "afflicted" with intense feelings].
Plain and simple, I miss him more than egg nog. I don't think it has to do with the fact that he's been in my life for so long. It's the fact that I didn't just love him deeply but I loved him joyously. I have never actually had a "joy fit" that I can remember quite like the one's I would have with him. Well, I am walking away for the sake of love - for sake of me and for him. I can't help but ask, "Why?" I can't help but ask "Why? Why can't I just stay?" But,  already know the answer to that. I can. I can stay and be uncertain of my feelings and keep doing what I've always done. It's not just scary to do something new - sometimes you are in love with what you have now. I don't want what we had to be something that hurts my heart. I want to be able to look back with fondness and those smiles. I want to remember the sweetness, the innocence and kiss it with my thoughts.
But that's me wanting to control how I feel about a situation. Grieving may be part of this but I don't want it to be. I don't want to think of it as something to grieve. That's probably denial on my part...It's just what I felt we had was something that should never be treated like it didn't brightened our hearts and make them a better place. I just don't know why losing something good has to make a person feel yucky. It would be great if I could feel like I was so blessed and know that I still am now. But I'm feeling this way so I might as well let it happen...I just never wanted to think of letting him go...Even if we were to leave one another. I wanted to always think of him as the love of my life. Call me a fantasy seeker. I certainly have, lately. I have tried to focus all my attenion on "God" - on a higher power. But now I see, God is in other people. God is in me - God is everywhere and everything. I can't seperate God from anything and doing so is my fear, my way of trying to protect myself. That's what I suspect. I'm going to do my best to keep loving him and by doing that I will let mysel feel my real feelings. I won't force our relationship from the past or the present to be anything but what they are and I will respect him to the best of my ability and myself to the best of my ability.
I do and always will love him fondly. But there is also a place for a sorrowful love. To cry for someone only shows how feel for them. And I think that makes me smile from the depths of my heart more than anything else. Because then I am being true to him to the very end. To cry for what I've lost and to reach out in my mind but to let myself breathe on my own. I know I am never alone but I see there is a time for solitude. What a sacred time. I am greatful for all these moments and as I let this man go - I know that our love will live on. Some things take a life of their own. Some things are truly eternal.
I would like to speak on Snow White and The Huntsmen - I will do more when I can. It's very late and I have church in the morning. But I would like to write before I forget that I had a vision in my head of a woman intense eyes that turned from black to white. Her presence shook me to the core. I thought of "The Dark Queen" And yet I also thought of innocence - of white magic.

• I'd like to look more into the white stag!