Grieving

Be warned: I am about to write a little bit about my "love" life. I don't know if it's nessecarily appropriate for me to talk about it here. But well, it has been a big part of my daily life as of late. Also, I didn't bring my journal with me to my father's so this'll be a substitute. I do want to write a little bit about some interesting synchronicity - that'll come later, though.
I just watched a movie that made my heart smile. It had to do with the love of words and books and finding someone else who connects with you on that level - without meeting them in person first. This reminded me of how Kiye and I met. I fell in love with his soul, first. And all of it happened through words. I think of so many nights just waiting for him to get online so that I could read an email from him. I remember the joyous laughter that almost scared me! It makes me smile just thinking about it. I couldn't help myself when I would read his words. I don't think I even laughed like that as a little girl. I remember a thought of him entering my mind during the day and I would begin smiling ear to ear. It's actually how I started singing to myself again.
But without going into all the messy, yet beautiful details of my heart and my life the last few years with this special someone - I'll try to get to the point [if there even is one, it's two in the morning and I'm "afflicted" with intense feelings].
Plain and simple, I miss him more than egg nog. I don't think it has to do with the fact that he's been in my life for so long. It's the fact that I didn't just love him deeply but I loved him joyously. I have never actually had a "joy fit" that I can remember quite like the one's I would have with him. Well, I am walking away for the sake of love - for sake of me and for him. I can't help but ask, "Why?" I can't help but ask "Why? Why can't I just stay?" But,  already know the answer to that. I can. I can stay and be uncertain of my feelings and keep doing what I've always done. It's not just scary to do something new - sometimes you are in love with what you have now. I don't want what we had to be something that hurts my heart. I want to be able to look back with fondness and those smiles. I want to remember the sweetness, the innocence and kiss it with my thoughts.
But that's me wanting to control how I feel about a situation. Grieving may be part of this but I don't want it to be. I don't want to think of it as something to grieve. That's probably denial on my part...It's just what I felt we had was something that should never be treated like it didn't brightened our hearts and make them a better place. I just don't know why losing something good has to make a person feel yucky. It would be great if I could feel like I was so blessed and know that I still am now. But I'm feeling this way so I might as well let it happen...I just never wanted to think of letting him go...Even if we were to leave one another. I wanted to always think of him as the love of my life. Call me a fantasy seeker. I certainly have, lately. I have tried to focus all my attenion on "God" - on a higher power. But now I see, God is in other people. God is in me - God is everywhere and everything. I can't seperate God from anything and doing so is my fear, my way of trying to protect myself. That's what I suspect. I'm going to do my best to keep loving him and by doing that I will let mysel feel my real feelings. I won't force our relationship from the past or the present to be anything but what they are and I will respect him to the best of my ability and myself to the best of my ability.
I do and always will love him fondly. But there is also a place for a sorrowful love. To cry for someone only shows how feel for them. And I think that makes me smile from the depths of my heart more than anything else. Because then I am being true to him to the very end. To cry for what I've lost and to reach out in my mind but to let myself breathe on my own. I know I am never alone but I see there is a time for solitude. What a sacred time. I am greatful for all these moments and as I let this man go - I know that our love will live on. Some things take a life of their own. Some things are truly eternal.
I would like to speak on Snow White and The Huntsmen - I will do more when I can. It's very late and I have church in the morning. But I would like to write before I forget that I had a vision in my head of a woman intense eyes that turned from black to white. Her presence shook me to the core. I thought of "The Dark Queen" And yet I also thought of innocence - of white magic.

• I'd like to look more into the white stag!