Awakening

There is something to spending time with just yourself. It hurts to feel alone - it's not that I don't enjoy space, independence...my "me" time.
It's that sensation of being alive and no one even knowing. It's that sensation of not hearing anything but your own breath. It's that sensation of not remembering what it feels like to be touched, to be held, to be heard.

I have felt for a while now that my lesson is learning to be *okay* being on my own. To be able to be with myself and feel joy. I do! I feel so much love, excitement and creativity floating through me. I am still drawn, forever, to connect. It's a need - just like eating food, sleeping or breathing. I need connection.

I don't think that life has been wanting me to lack connection but rather to be *able* to hear myself. Even when you are with yourself...you don't have to listen. You can listen to music, you can cry...You can eat, you can drink...You can watch movies or indulge your mind in something other than your own presence.

You can forget that you're the one making every single decision...since you were born. I have always been the one moving my own fingers and blinking my own eyes. It may have felt like people have made decisions for me - it may have even felt like God/dess has made decisions for me...But, always, I have had the choice.

I think *that's* why it's important to spend time with yourself. You can do that with other people around. I think that may be the root of addiction - not facing yourself. Maybe that's why even God/dess gets really quiet during these times so that I can hear myself. It's not that Spirit won't be around to support me - they always are - but rather they're giving me space to hear my own voice, my own inner knowing.

Maybe that's what meditation is all about...letting go of all other stimulus and tuning into *you*. It may be silent but a language is spoken that doesn't need words.

Just meditated*
I realize that always, always, always should I tune into *me*. The me which chooses. I could "hear" like in 2011...They said, "You came back because you are afraid." I told them that wasn't the reason...
I was afraid but my reason for unknowingly coming back was to connect with the me which chooses.
The first thing I heard was, "Elizabeth!! I'm afraid!!" And then it was as if I was calling for Elizabeth - it's like there is a part of me that is on auto-pilot...my body awareness and then there is my soul. That's what it is!! There is the body & there is the soul. The soul is originating from my chest, that's what it feels like...the soul consciousness and the body consciousness comes from the brain. [all speculation]
I need to tune into my feelings and the me which chooses. I can connect but if I numb myself out with other voices, thoughts...things then I won't be able to truly hear myself. Letting go of all other stimulus. 
For YOU are the one that makes the decisions...not the other stimulus. If you wonder if God/dess doesn't like this - just know that she/he is celebrating. For as you are empowered...the whole universe is empowered. This is awakening.