I Was Born For This.

As 2013 comes to a close, I am working through a lot of loose ends...letting go of the final remnants of my old skin. Some of that has to do with relationships. I have one particular relationship which is shifting...In ways I can't quite imagine yet. This is a relationship which has always made me feel like....I'm living in a state of eternal sunshine. I remember before him...I was in a very dark, lonely place. He opened the blinds in the rooms of my heart and let the sunlight in. I danced with him and remembered why I loved to smile and laugh. He has been my inspiration for the passed 7 years.
Now, our relationship is shifting & I don't know what it means. I still believe he'll be in my life but the way it will shift will more than likely ask me to face that same darkness I stepped out of when you arrived in my life. There is a feeling born from loneliness, it's different from hopelessness. It feels like you're slowly disappearing, evaporating.
For the first time, I want to go into the storm. Not to wallow in it, not to conquer it. But to listen to it. I want to listen to my heart - the storm. The joy that we shared was born from true love - the truest I've ever known and probably isn't something must humans ever experience. To hold onto the joy from a place of lack and fear...well, it wouldn't be honoring where that joy came from & eventually the flower would die from being plucked.
When I returned to being fully grounded in 2011 - I made the decision to embrace joy fully into my life and live my life to the fullest. If something didn't feel comfy to me, then I didn't have to walk in that direction. Sure, I may *technically* do what was making me feel uncomfortable but I'd shift my perspective about it where I still felt in blissful alignment with myself. I knew that bliss was an indication that I was allowing myself to unfold.
Okay, but sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life - I don't always allow myself to settle down and shift. Sometimes, I forgot that I am unconditionally loved and supported and I dream a dream of loneliness...despair.
2013 has been a year of great discovery. Many material things have been accomplished - new experience gained. And I felt the worst emotional pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I didn't run from the pain, to be honest, I really couldn't even if I wanted to. My brother didn't want a relationship with me and basically *all* of my other closest friends had disappeared, including the man I was talking about above. There were different reasons why for each but it left a resonating song of despair and heartbreak in my heart. It was like a break-up heartbreak times a trillion. Even with my new found joy - this pain sang loudly in my heart. What had shifted from pre-2011 is that now...I wasn't running from the pain. I sat with it, sobbed with it. I gave up, with it. Surrendering to my overwhelming feelings...I didn't try to change anything I was feeling - I was simply present. I allowed thoughts like, "I seriously can't do this anymore." run freely through my mind. In the past, giving up was never something I'd even consider. But, compassion had replaced my fear. I didn't feel like fighting myself, anymore. Nor, did I have the strength to.
In those darkest moments, I discovered just how much I can rely on myself. For once the sobbing had subsided, I would console myself...I would reaffirm my worthiness and that I did truly love myself. That I could trust myself to be compassionate and be a friend throughout my entire life. I could feel something in my own heart shifting.
Now, here we are, at the ending of this year and I am about to have a conversation I wouldn't really ever imagined having. I am willing to go to a place where there isn't sunshine...I am willing to go to the depths of despair because I know that I am *not* alone and that I do have a friend in myself. I know that my worthiness, my invincibility and my eternal nature cannot be taken from me. I will go there. I am also willing to not be torn in two by it - but to blossom from walking into the storms of my own heart. I am willing not to be torched by the dragon that watches over the gold but to become mutually understanding of one another.
Whatever the case, I believe in the source of that sunlight and there is something very brave and free coming from that source. "I'm not afraid, I was born for this."
Outside, tonight, I was trembling and feeling the waves of sadness wash over me to be once again about to possibly lose a deep connection with someone who means more to me than words will ever explain. The whispers of, "See how alone you actually are." came creeping in. I let that familiar, yet still powerful, darkness over take me with tears. And true to the shift that has continually been happening this year when reaching that state...something began to shift. I knew I'd be okay, even if everything I was fearing did come true. I could feel the pain and how it was actually a deep, deep love welling up from within my being. It was almost sensual in nature...I thought of my father putting his hand on a tree and feeling pain then the tree telling him that what he was feeling was love but because of his perception, he only felt pain.
Then I stumbled across this video;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmVOuLgFB0

I smiled because I knew, I knew that the obstacles - the pain before me is what is propelling me forward. It's what wakes me up, keeps me motivated. A surfer doesn't pause the waves from coming...they keep getting knocked down by them again and again - finally, they will learn more and more how to ride those waves. They aren't looking to stop the waves, they seem them as being the very thing which propels them forward.

2013 was a year of deep love, letting go, discovery and recovery. A year of building trust with myself. Releasing a lot of the old to let in the new. It was a decision on whether I truly wanted to continue living here or not. I've chosen to Continue.

2014 is a year about Continuing vs. being paralyzed. I want to truly live my life - authentic with that deep love and reverence. I want to face the unknown courageously and with an open heart. I accept the possibility of it being one of the most awe-inspiring years yet, to date. I embrace the idea of pure magic unfolding and truly stepping into my truest potential ! I see it being a year of radiance, new discoveries - allowing in the new...stepping into the new, living the new. Emerging as a butterfly. Walking my talk more than I can even imagine possible

2014 is going to blow my mind in the most beautiful, amazing, magical ways possible ~