Between you and I

Something I really appreciate about relationships is the potential they hold to deepen my understanding and my heart's sincerity. Between him and I there is something ~ sometimes it's a bond.




And sometimes it's a gulf...that only grows harder to cross with less communication and greater feelings of fear.



It can happen before I even realize it. Like two planets changing orbital paths from one another. Perceptions can quickly become skewed. Often times it's second nature to become distrustful of the other person. Why is it so easy? That gulf over time becomes so impassable that it seems like it would be better to just turn around and walk in the other direction..
But that's not the only option. I found that in remembering and looking beyond the distance - I can still see what has drawn me into orbit with that other planet in the first place. I don't let any definitions of what is or isn't "love" close my heart and mind to the possibilities. I open my mind to the possibility of what I want to experience - I open myself to building a bridge...And with that imagination a spark is created. From that spark a magical connection begins to form until what lies between us is a bridge.



How do I cross that bridge to the other side? Love. Because love isn't one sided - it's what connects us. Love is connection...If ever there were a word I could use to define it. Acceptance, understanding...closing the space between the gulf of you and I.

Releasing Expectations

Sometimes, mistakes are made. They can affect the way I feel about myself. Self-esteem often is tied intimately together with the actions that are or are not made. An identity can be made by the choices one makes. "I'm not the kind of person to do this or that." So if you end up doing something that you wouldn't normally - it can completely change how you view yourself. 

Forgiveness is a daily act in my life. I have expectations of myself. If I were brave all the time - I would live out a much different kind of life. But other factors come into play. We're only human after-all. We've all been hurt and felt like our needs aren't being met. 

Patience and endurance are other daily practices of mine. There can be a wellspring of joy and treasure on the other side of every struggle. 

As we live each day of our lives and we do the very best that we can - we shouldn't give up on ourselves. Sometimes the progress you are hoping for is being made but you just can't see it yet. If you keep breathing, keeping moving - it will appear. Be willing to flow, to move...be like water and allow yourself to shift perceptions. Don't hold too strongly onto any one idea or perception. 

Forgive yourself for not living up to expectations. Your soul knows what it needs. 

Ellie

Braver

No inspiration tonight. Not like I had been doing. Instead I want to be laying it bare. 

When you are going through something terrifyingly life-changing...there's a lot of things that are hard to explain to someone who isn't going through that. For starters, it IS as scary as it looks and when you ask, "How does she deal with it." the answer is, "you don't always deal with it." But you can't escape it - there is no choice to turn a blind eye to what is going on. The other is that any friendships that stick around are probably one this biggest contributing factors to you getting better. It would be easier to say that we're just strong on our own but even the strongest person doubts themselves when everything they've ever known about themselves is crumbling around them. It would be nice to say that the people we look up to, strong people never feel sorry for themselves or become lost in depression + anxiety but the truth is...it does happen when faced with huge life-changes. The truth isn't always pretty and it can be scary to look at but it's the truth and it's important that people know what really happens. 

Those friendships that do stay - well, they teach you A LOT about friendship that you didn't even know before. You may have had a Hallmark idea about friendship before but once you see even your closest friends and family not know how to be around you and some of the most unlikely people step up to the plate...your ideas shift. 

The good thing about these kind of changes is they do for you what you couldn't or really wouldn't have done on your own. They cut away ALL the bullshit that never really mattered and in fact was awful for you, all along. The things that before you thought, "Maybe I should speak up more. Maybe I shouldn't do this or that. Maybe I should just be a little bit happier with life and stop always worrying." Well, it becomes something you have to do to survive. And when everything superficial is cut away - you are faced with the bare truth about yourself and about everyone else. Many of the people you love who'd say they would be there just won't and it's not because they don't care about you but the fear is stronger. Again, the truth isn't often pretty - when you take away all the pretty cosmetics we use to cover up scary things like pain and stuff that you just can't deal with - so, SO much revelation can come into your life.

You stop lying to yourself, for one. You stop lying that you like being treated in certain ways because really you don't but you just wanted intimacy and you thought it was the only way you'd get it. You're suddenly able to face the other "not so pretty" truths about yourself and others that before you danced around because you were afraid. You HAVE to come to terms with the fact that life is special and you don't want to waste it away on fears.

A friend is someone who is there for you when you in utter shit. I'm sorry, that's my definition for myself. They're the one's who are going to be there for you when you are at your lowest low. They're going to stick their arm into your slimy darkness, grab you by the collar and pull you back into the light. No other time have I ever felt like I truly *needed* someone. When you're having to face bullshit truth and your naked to the world because you can't pretend to be anything other than what you are - that is when you are completely vulnerable. Just like a new born baby - your fate depends on the mercy of others. Some people get it bad. Some people wind up in nursing homes with families who forget to visit and nurses who are quite apathetic. Sometimes people are left in hospitals with people who don't know their story and there's nothing they can do about it. Think positive? That's easier said than done when everything you have to comfort you is gone - even what you liked about yourself. When you have no control, no say so over your life and no love coming in. Who of us can say we'd be any better? But anyone can talk - it's those who are willing to speak about their experiences bravely without sugar-coating it that give us truth. Friendships are great things even when you can take care of yourself but you see their truest value when you don't have anything to offer in return except your complete sincere gratitude in that moment. If you don't help - the government will probably step in but the truth is they are rarely as loving, knowing and compassionate as your friend desperately needs. These voices often go unheard because they have no way to speak for themselves...We forget those in great suffering. It's scary and it isn't pretty. It's SO much damn easier to turn away. God knows, those going through it often try their hardest to do the same and they would if they could...they'd run as far away from it as possible. But it's not going to happen when you have cancer or your going through a spiritual transformation or a heart surgery or you can't live on your own anymore and you're moved to a nursing home. 

Friends heal. They brought me out of the darkness. It is in others that we see ourselves...They can mirror to you the love that you are to them. "To be is to be perceived. And so to know thyself is only possible through the eyes of the other. The nature of our immortal lives is in the consequences of our words and deeds that go on apportioning themselves throughout all time." Sonmi-451 [Cloud Atlas] They can remind you why living here is worthwhile. We don't want to face the fact that we need each other until we can't NOT face that fact. Stripped bare, there is so much that becomes clear. Those people who do stay, though. They become angels. They are literally a healing force in your life - you begin to laugh again and you do see that you've been making improvements on your own. You start to see that you HAVE been strong. Even when you thought you couldn't go any further, you did. Maybe you pathetically crawled on but you moved onward. Really, your self-pity and doubt is just part of the process. It's part of the truth. 

Friends remind you of who you are. They remind you how to smile, how to laugh and how to let go of the fear. This is how you heal. The bond that is created with these friends are life-long. You experience an unconditional love for them. You, yourself, are changed by their friendship and you begin to learn to love unconditionally, to show up when it's hard and to see what's really important as a friend. 

Sometimes people just need someone to listen. Sometimes people just need someone to accept them. Sometimes people just need a reminder of their beauty when they are weak and pathetic and can't see it in the mirror because their eyes are bloodshot and maybe they've just had to shave off all their hair from chemo. Sometimes we need to remember why life is beautiful. Is beauty perfection? Is beauty the make-up we cake on our faces or how heroic we act? Ideals fall away when faced with the truth. Is there something deeper that will sustain you when your ideals for yourself are gone? I can't answer those questions for you and if you still don't know than it's a journey you must walk out. For me - the answer has already been given. 

I've been one of those people going through a change I wouldn't have ever been prepared for. It isn't pretty. I didn't behave heroically the entire time - though I wanted to. Though I fought hard to keep a pretty face. But I broke under the pressure and a strong girl who had always been someone others could lean on was suddenly nothing like they remembered. "It's like you weren't here." They looked at me but my eyes seemed vacant. I was there, though. I heard every word and felt every stare - if not ten times than how I used to hear & feel. I couldn't laugh. I didn't know how to. When you get to that state you remember what humiliation feels like - you know, when you trip in front of the whole class and everyone kind of chuckles or you're on that job interview and you keep messing up what you're trying to say? It kind of feels like that but in nuclear bomb form - where everything that made you confident about yourself is literally obliterated.

People start looking away. It happens. No one wants to say that we just flat out ignore those suffering but I won't forget the way it shifted. The more I stopped resembling who they knew before - the more their eyes wouldn't meet mine. The more I became treated not like a stranger but someone to avoid. It was scary to them, it was fucking weird...I can only imagine how they were feeling but what I was feeling I can promise you was a million times worse. I actually don't hold it against them. At first I did. How the hell could the people I loved not look me in the eye?! But then I remembered what it was like to be in everyday life and to be so numbed out to everything that you forget what does truly matter. Like, you have this vague sense that some day you'll do something heroic and that'll be when all of this becomes worthwhile. But this situation now is really scary and you don't know how to deal with it so you just won't.

Something that this situation showed me is that we literally don't know how to deal with a lot of shit and yet we do anyway. Especially new experiences. You are forced to accept not knowing. You don't know how you are going to deal or if you're going to make it out alive - okay...so how the hell do you deal with that? One step in front of the other, usually. Take another breath and another...and another. Some of the things you use are from things you've learned over the years and some of the things you just make up as you go. Sometimes things don't work and fail miserably and then sometimes it does and God, when you succeed in a state like that - it's absolute pure gold! Talk about building confidence - that's when you really build confidence. Even with friends supporting you and yes you need them - it will always, always be just as important that you walk the walk. They cannot do that for you. No one else can ever walk the journey out for you. They can shine a light but you have to face the demons. And when you do, even upon failures, you will walk away with true confidence. Not arrogant illusory stuff. Because you know you weren't heroic the entire time - you'll distinctly remember all your cowardice, selfish and sad thoughts and behaviors. If you're lucky, you may even begin to see them through out all of your life. You may begin to see the actions of others for what they are. It may make you sad...people you looked up to won't look so big and hero-y to you anymore. Not as pretty as before. You'll see where they a scared shitless. You'll see where everyone...everyone you've ever known or who has ever lived is simply doing the best they can with what they have. They are also making a good bit up as they go. We take from what we know but in truth - you really can't know to the depth that we want to. We want a truth that we know to be infallible beyond anything else. And yet - everything can become shaky...you can hold onto a truth like a life-jacket but at the end of the day there is still something making you doubt. It's not that it isn't true - it's that YOU don't believe for sure that it's true. You have to make it up as you go. 

We pretend that we understand it all but there is still so, so much that we don't understand. You begin to see this smug arrogance that we all sport around for what it is when you go through something like that; it's fear. It's sweet and simple fear wearing a pretty ballgown. Arrogance is the refusal to face something you find too frightening so instead you delve yourself into something that makes you feel better about yourself. The human race knows only the tiniest fraction and the universe is vaster than we can even comprehend. When I went through my transformation - I saw that I'd only seen the tip of the tip of the ice-berg of life. There is a new found confidence in me but there is also a deep, awe-struck humility. What do I fear now? I fear losing myself to arrogance - not being willing to face the truth. Burying myself in ideals and things that look pretty but are dust in the wind when put up against anything real. 

When you're really hurting - you don't want a friend who will drop you on a whim or not be willing to see your heart because of their own fears...We can always make excuses for ourselves and for others and forgiveness is part of what keeps us going yet it's through great suffering that you can see the pointlessness of continuing to deny the truth. Denying the truth won't change it. You may turn your gaze away from your fellow man or even yourself because you aren't going through something terrifyingly life-changing but it doesn't change what you're doing. Always, always you are choosing your fear. And we'll all do that sometimes because it's fucking scary living life when you feel alone and think you should know what to do but don't. And forgiveness, unconditional love is needed for us because we're not perfect like we're made to believe we're supposed to be. We're messy, we're pathetic sometimes, we make mistakes and we don't always look amazing...sometimes we're mean and un-thoughtful and turn our backs on each other. Sometimes we're apathetic or any number of things. All these things can be covered up with make-up or turned a blind eye to but they are THERE. Nothing is going to change that. It'll be there until we're willing to look at it. And I know what it's like to be avoided - it's horrible to be treated invisible when you're not. We're not just pretty. If anything, we're not that. We're anything but pretty. We're brilliant, we're wild wild, we're fierce, we're fucking fighters and lovers and destroyers and chaotic order. Pretty is petty. We're beautiful - in a soul diving deep way. The lines on our skin are the stories of every moment. Even the obsession to be pretty is another fear - will I be accepted? Will I fit in? We want acceptance because we know we need it. We need it because we fucking need each other. We need each other like we need air, like we need water, like we need to eat. We need each other's love, acceptance and support. 

Everyone has a fear in the back of their mind that they are somehow the odd one out. That somehow everyone else understands something about life that they just never got. We all feel somehow inadequate. We all somehow don't feel enough...perfect.

What a joke!! We ALL feel like we're the secret one who just doesn't understand life on some level like all these other people who seem to be doing better or have things more figured out. Obviously they do - they have that car or they don't seem as nervous as I feel...ect. But's it's a sad joke because it's something that everyone is feeling. We have an idea that perfection is becoming better than who you are now. It's reaching some state of heightened knowingness or unwavering confidence and strength. It looks like our superheroes who never fail and look really great while they're not failing. 

But what if perfection is something completely different? Truthfully, I can't give you this realization through words - I can scream it from the mountain tops until my voice box begins to bleed. God, I fucking wanted to once I realized this for myself. But my experience taught me something kind of hard to accept, you won't see it if you don't want to. You can look away. You can read these words and then tune them out of your mind. I can't make you brave. I can shine a light but you've gotta' walk the journey. 

So, about perfection...It's in every moment. It's in the gross dark painful stuff and it's in those smiles from a lover that make your stomach flip. It's in the silence when it's just you and you. It's the sunsets and it's the rain. Because everything, with it's chaos and it order - it molds us, it makes us. Though we choose how to perceive any of it - it is us...all of life is a mirror of us. Nature only keeps moving forward, understanding and moving forward. We're never stagnant - we keep moving forward and changing whether we choose to embrace the change or just ignore that we're getting older. The truth is perfection isn't something to be achieved, it's something to perceive. Voila! All you've ever been wanting and craving for is there. You're already perfect. This isn't more hallmark ooey gooey stuff. Though it might make you feel that way and there's nothing wrong with that. Unless you read it and roll your eyes or it just makes you feel nice but doesn't really get down in your soul and make you FEEL. Stop trying to be perfect. You already are. 

You have all you need and there are millions of people here - even though a lot of people won't support you - there are some REAL people who will. Fighters and lovers who would never turn their back on you when you really need them. You have more strength in you than you may know - you don't live up to the expectations of never being afraid or messing up but that's there for a reason. We mess up to learn, we mess up to grow. We feel shitty to truly understand things. I wouldn't be as real and authentic and genuinely a kinder, more loving friend and more dedicated to living soulfully if I hadn't gone through life's ringer and been bashed around a good bit. It wouldn't have been the same - it carved me like a hot fire and a molding iron. It burned away what didn't matter. There is place for darkness, for ugliness. But there is a big place for deep, deep love that is revolutionary. Love that is STRONG. Love that is BRAVE. Love that knows because you choose to know. 

All encompassing truth, we can only begin to guess at that and it's a worthy cause but we do have an inner truth. You know how you know you just love your mom and even if aliens told you it love is just a hormone and moms really don't matter that much - you'd still love your mom? Well, that's an inner truth - you know because you know. When I refer to things being stripped away and facing truths - that's more of what I'm referring to. Even if there are facts - WE don't always choose to believe them. We're not purely logical creatures and we don't live just from a factual state of perspective. We each have perspectives which change what truth is which is why we have to discover what our own truth is. There are some common truths we can find when we are willing to be honest with ourselves. Because, from what I've seen, we all are really not so different from each other - inside - as we thought we might be.

For those who want ascension, higher knowledge and sense of connection to the truest true - this is what I have to say - are you once again feeling that you are not good enough? Do these gurus feel like ideals to you instead? Like a super hero? Because they KNOW something you don't know? 

Maybe, just maybe, we came from that guru state and chose to live here. What if neither state is better than the other. Imagine always knowing everything - imagine how little room for creativity and growth there could be. There is a fearlessness that enters someone when they know everything - it's a bravery by default. Maybe we came here so that we could experience bravery in action. We could experience choosing to be brave. Choosing to love. We could experience both the fear AND the courage. Both a sense of inner knowing and sense of not knowing. To me, that sounds great!! That sounds amazingly epic. To me that reveals that we really are the true badasses. It makes super hero's look wimpy in comparison. Look at what we face day in and day out - what we TRULY face when we are honest with ourselves. We are strong - we are brave. Not because we put on a strong face or brave face but because we actually are. We keep moving forward. To me, just by you being here you're pretty damn brave. Especially if you could choose to live in guru-hood to come to a state where you "forget" everything. You forget your connection and all the things that truly matter and where our fates really are in our own hands but we often are too frightened by the not knowing to do something. 

I compare it to getting on stage. Did you know that one of the biggest fears is stage-fright? We're all pretty scared of getting up in front of people and making an ass of ourselves, right? Maybe, deeper than that we're all afraid of getting up on stage and CHOOSING SOMETHING TO SAY. What if we mess up? What if we don't say the right thing? 

Right before I get on stage I feel so nervous - my heart is pounding in my chest and things are screaming at me that I can turn around. Yet, the moment I walk on stage - this heat washes over me and something in me changes. I feel confident though I don't always know exactly what I am going to say. Everyone is watching and I am glad. I feel like I have a chance to share something, anything. I am seen. I've been on TV before and when the interviewee asked us a question - everyone looked down at me...So I spoke. I could've frozen up because I didn't know what to say anymore than anyone else but instead I just spoke. I smiled and I said what sounded the best to me - I made an educated guess. It turns out that it was exactly what we were talking about and on point but at the time while I was talking I didn't know that. I took a chance at not knowing. 

Like that stage - many of us are terrified of stepping up and choosing to do something our way. What if we say it wrong or what if it doesn't come out right? But really, we're just afraid of the choice and the truth that we don't know. We'll do something when we do know - when we do have that certainty. But what if you never do? And you avoid living your entire life. That. That is fucking heartbreaking to me. So what can I do? There are so many things! Ah! I don't even know where to start. Well slow down, then. Take a few deep breaths and just...easy does it. Reach out to someone. You can always start there. Especially to those people that are avoided but really need help. Trust me, even something small won't go in vain. It may not be able to sustain that person but it's a flicker of hope. And they need hope, they need all the hope they can get like precious water. 

We're not alone in this whether we believe it or not. There are SO many people who are brave and are living bravely. Forgiveness waits at the door of all of us who will open ourselves to it. Of course we've been scared - we all just haven't seen the truth. I only saw glimpses of it before until I was forced to face it. 

  

 

Swimming Inside Love

I'm in love.



ARTIST: Primal Painter 
http://www.lightworkerenergyart.com/collections/energy-art-prints-angels-healers-goddesses/products/figure-art-chakra-female-energy-art-print-fuchsia-purple-light-reiki-swirl

As I awoke this morning, I took in the sight of my man laying next to me. The sun was dancing on his skin and as I brushed my fingertips across his forearm, his eyebrows raised into happy surprise. He was still sleeping. I watched his eyes dart to and fro, lost in dreaming. How wonderful it is to wake up next to someone I love.
I've fallen into love flight with him.



ARTIST: Primal Painter 
http://www.lightworkerenergyart.com/collections/energy-art-prints-angels-healers-goddesses/products/abstract-art-digital-painting-reiki-wall-decor-chakra-energy-art-8-x-10-print

Love comes in many different forms - sometimes in ways we'd never imagine. It's not always romantic and it's not always a human kind of love. It is a great mystery yet it can heal all. I am no master or guru, I don't claim to know an over-reaching all knowing truth. But I choose to believe in what truly matters to me. I believe life matters and I care. How can I help this world experience love in a real way?
In the school I am attending, I am being asked to identify my P2P [pain to pleasure] niche. I believe my pain would be hopelessness and being stuck in a pattern you can't break free of. My pleasure would be igniting a light from within through love and discovering the true freedom of who you are. It's all about falling in love ~ once you feel it for yourself and you're changed by it...this light will carry you through any and everything.
Wild-fyeah Love
An energy like the Phoenix - dying and being reborn from the ashes
Initiation into the womb of the ocean...purification and cleansing...TRUE SERENITY
The ocean mother is comfort and healing - she is depth, rawness and authenticity
Fear your depths no longer
Dive deep
Be ignited with the Soul Fire
There is a sacred white fire burning through all bondage which holds you
Freedom is yours and you ARE freedom.
Intention is what creates our reality.

Ellie

Without War

Dance, dance! Dance like never before!
Sing out and jump up for joy!
Life is my mysterious heart beating in fourth notes.
Oh zealously, i come for you
An inward tide to the shore-line
Your face has left me in a daze
How can an angel live among us?
You surpass my wildest dreams of you
Surely as night becomes day
I know you and i will find or make a way
Living like this is always a choice
But how can a song be heard if it's never sung?
Look into my eyes and tell me what you see
Hidden within are all of the gems
No time to contemplate
Let us migrate
Enter the heart of knowingness
In a land without war
Give me a chance
To love your sores
Hear
Believe
Interact
Achieved
You have all you'll ever need
You are a beautiful mystery to me
I love you dearly
Sincerly

A friend

Sacrifice

What does sacrifice mean to you?
"Elizabeth, you're going to have to sacrifice something."
What did that mean? I thought that when you're in alignment you can have your cake and eat it too. I thought that maybe guilt and the idea of sacrifice were the same thing.
"It's about making a choice so that you can *focus*. Without focus, you cannot channel all of your energy in the way that you need to to truly succeed." 
"This is how creation works. Look at a tree. It had to be a tree - not a tree/horse/cow thing. When you paint a picture you can never paint color and non-color at the same time...it's one or the other. You're brain will only perceive one thing at a time. If you look at a window and see your reflection but behind see a tree - you must focus on either the tree or your reflection while the other one blurs out."
That's what sacrifice meant to me, to focus. You must let go of some things to fully receive something else. That doesn't mean you can't do one passion as a hobby and put most of your time into whatever you are focusing on but there is still a sacrifice there.
My mother and father sacrificed a life of career to raise me. 
But it gave my brother and I the opportunity to become who we are today...It gave us the the opportunity to be courageous, confident and wise. Their support was pivotal in our growth. And now, I can give back to them and I want to. I want to help them in all of their endeavors to succeed. Love doesn't just take or give - it's a constant cycle of both...neither being forced.
My father once said to me that I'd do things that would scare even him and the first time that I did was when I went up on stage. I didn't want to be the one in the spotlight - even though I've been told I am talented...I have always enjoyed being the side-kick. But, I see now that I can truly help...I can give back all the love that's been given to me. It asks courage for me to step out onto the spiritual stage of life.

 

Here I am world. This is me. This is what I believe. I know that together, we can change things for the better. Love is in the air and I want to share that with you. Maybe I've fallen in love and I've gone so deep that I can't imagine a world where anyone thinks it isn't possible. Love is here for us.
I am here to love you. God gave me you. I've not felt closer to anything that makes me care more than when I've loved another or loved myself. Together, we can make it through anything.

I have been given this reoccurring choice - shall I step out and truly make a difference on this planet or shall I pursue something simply for me?  Than I make someone smile or someone tells me that my belief in them has changed their life and I feel the decision was already made all along. I made someone feel loved. What an honor - how grateful I am.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world." I no longer can live a guilty life...a cowardly life. I want to choose the sacrifice of a life only of selfishness...I want to CHOOSE a life of love. How could I possibly enjoy heaven while the whole world suffers in their own hell? I want to share what I've gained with everyone...anyone who wishes to hear and wishes for something more. 

Ellie  

Disassociation into Actualization

[Though this post is directed more to an audience - I will always be writing just as much to myself as I am to others. I, too, am always learning and growing.]
Death is a beginning. It's the ending of something known for something unknown. Through death of certain perspectives, we can let go of past issues that have been keeping us dissociated from life.
A new perspective is actually all you need to anything you're facing. This a truth, as far as I've discovered, you have free will AND you already know that. You can see this when you come back to the present moment. But it takes courage to do that. A lack of interest in life simply because it's too painful or just not the way we want it to be causes us to dissociate in many different ways. It's a coping mechanism and coping is important. Yet, we don't have to cope if we know our power. The truth is there is nothing over you nor under you. Nothing greater than or less than. Literally no one or nothing can take away your free will. You will always have choice in every second of your life.
You already are everything you've ever wanted - the key is in realizing it. Why were we born into a world that teaches fear, lack, guilt and suppression of our true selves? It's hard to say. Yet, I feel that some of us do see the truth and often times we are the famous and rich of the world. We're not greater than, just more actualized...more aware of the truth of our freedom.
Through forgiveness, authenticity and gratitude - I was able to realize the truth about myself - I am free. Some might say if we took away struggle, turmoil and victimhood/powerlessness than life wouldn't be interesting. I disagree wholeheartedly. I believe that often times "the way things are" now leads the Soul to go into hiding. You live most of your life on auto-pilot. Many parts of it you're wanting to fast forward through. How sad? A waste of such precious time that is ALL yours. But understandable because you have been coping with "the way things are". You have been strong and you have carried onward. You are brave to me. But I dare others to step out onto the ledge...to push their limits and do what might feel even a bit reckless...Try on a new perspective for size.
What if....[you fill in the blanks with whatever you wish were possible but you don't think is.] 
Imagination, creativity can be your ally. Art is truly food for the Soul.
The truth is, usually we are numbed out to the world, to our own lives and feelings - more so than we may even realize. When you *realize* you are free and true feelings of victimhood begin to disappear...When you die to your old self...You can begin to really live again. Because from this perspective you are safe to truly feel and be present in the moment - it doesn't traumatize you. The truth is, you will not always be in the body you're in now living the life you are living. Change will come for you whether you choose to grow or not - really that's all Death is...change.  The Soul goes on forever [I believe] but our bodies are here for a time. Every moment is sacred and special - cherish it for the gift that it is.

Ellie

Here's my Hand

My dearest friend and sister from another mister just recently received her heart transplant. It's been an upcoming event for 2 years now. Every day of both of those years, she could receive the call that her heart was in.
During those two years, we fell in love as best friends. Despite our differences, we knew our souls to be twins.
My heart broke as she told me her story ,how often when those we trust the most are not there when we need them the most.
She had, had a heart attack and died only to come back and share her breathtaking story of life after death. Her family pulled away and those friends she'd always known became scarce.
I knew what this was like. In 2011, I went through a spiritual transformation. For two months I lost everything I'd ever known for something new...in a way, i went through my own death. The one's I thought would always be there seemed to vanish into thin air. When they looked me in the eyes, It's how I imagined they looked at a stranger.
Cherie and I have spent many hours talking about all of this. I understood why they weren't there. I really did become a stranger to them ~ it was scary that one of the strongest girls they've ever known could become a shadow...I understand why Cherie Almost being gone for good would scare anyone shitless. I understand why people don't come to visit my aunt at the nursing home; she's nothing like they remember her and it's sad to see her there...in such a dreary place. But then i go to see my aunt...i look into thise eyes and i see her whole self light up. I imagine that i am a ray light breaking through her window blinds.
I remember how it felt when my closest friends turned away...i couldn't reach out to them. Id forgotten how.
Cherie, the strong one. Surely she can handle it. She's remaining so positive. But can any of us really imagine living in constant chronic pain? Or every moment waiting to get the call for a major surgery? How did i make it? How does my aunt deal? How did Cherie?
Sometimes we don't deal. Sonetimes we break down. The fear gets the best of us just like it does everyone else. The difference is we couldn't walk away if we wanted to. And in those moments of impending fear, the one thing that make all the difference in the world is those who reach out their hand into our darkness and offer their support. To everyone who has reached out, to me, to Cherie, to my aunt and to the countless others who find themsrlves in life-changing challengs...know the difference you make is to save a life. That hand in the darkness can be the bit of hope that we needed to keep going.
To those who were afraid, i understand. I was afraid, as well. But i urge to turn back around and know that you have never been more needed than now.

It's my dream to create an organization that supports those going through these kind of challenges. Often times, many are left alone. You really don't find that out until you experience it. I want there to be a safe place for people to share their experiences. And if their voice is heard, they may help others see how helpful their support can be. You don't have to know what to say ~ sometimrs all someone needs is someone to show they care and that they are there with them.
Afterall, we're all in this together.

Sing your Song

It's not right....
It's not wrong...It's only how we sing our song.

This blog was originally created for me to write about my experiences and findings during my life-transforming situation in 2011. I have felt as though I should write it out and publish it. I have wondered if I should write about every experience and share the wisdom I learned through all of it. But each time I'd sit down to write it - I'd have as much a block in sharing it as I do in actually going back to that world.
I wondered if I had a duty, an obligation to share with the rest of the world. Now, I don't believe I do. Sometimes we try to make things happen out of obligation and it only makes things worse. Advice with good intentions given at the wrong time may just make a person feel worse rather than better.

Do you find yourself wondering if you are on the path that you should be? What is my purpose? What should I be doing? Am I fulfilling my life mission, my destiny that is written in the stars?

What if it's our destinies coalesce?

This is one of my deepest questions for myself: What gives me life meaning and purpose? 

Could I answer? Could I even begin to know? How should I know! I'm not all knowing. Yet, there was a deep, deep desire to understand. To somehow begin to walk such a purposeful life. I had to, then, ask myself why? Where was this deep desire coming from? I felt a lack of purpose and meaning in my life.

When you're playing by everyone else's rules - you can't help but feel lost. When you can't stop to smell the roses...to take in all the colors and sensations of this moment - life loses it's sense of being alive. It causes you to ask, "What does this all mean? What is the purpose? Is there a purpose?"

I had to let go.

I had to die to the old me.

She wanted to be released. I wanted to fly. I wanted to know what it was like to believe in myself. To love and nourish my own damn heart. I wanted to know friendship with myself.

I let go of the belief that I couldn't be what I wanted to be and that I was obligated to be something I didn't want to be.

In a life or death situation, you have to choose. You can't be idle in your decisions. Because if you do, the choice is already made for you. Often times, not the one you want, either.

Choose, Elizabeth. Choose. It's now or never. You must make a choice. You must decide. 
I had to take up my mantle. Choice for me also meant surrender because I wasn't 100% certain on either front. I wanted to know beyond a shadow of doubt that I was making the right choice. But life was screaming at me to decide - for ME to decide what was the best choice. For ME to decide what was right.

So I did...:-)

And the dreams that are continuing to unfold from that fateful day are nothing short of miraculous. Fate isn't set in stone. It is as alive and moving as we are. It dances with us, beside us through our journey.

So deep in the labyrinths of our minds we go ~ looking for the answers, searching on and on. But it's like a spiral which just keeps spinning. There is no end and no beginning. Our minds touch infinity.

I create. I create my life. I create my actions. I create my intentions. I form my world. This realization is my greatest gift to myself. What is there to fear but the fear of myself? There is an open expanse of freedom that I see when I truly give away my fear of my own personal power.

Recently I had been feeling some guilt about where I am at in my life. I felt like I should be doing more especially with the state of the world, right now. This guilt was pushing me to do more, more, more. I was stepping out of being the person I want to be and becoming obligated to be the person I thought I should be. Stress, overwhelm, anger...I burned out twice. Right now, I'm on the tale end of my last burn out. My body becoming physically ill both times.

What is worth? What gives something worth? I question my fears.
Is it only when someone is doing something that others see as heroic and giving?

Whenever I work a job I try to do my very best. I try to put love and appreciation in my work.
My first job was minimum wage and the overall attitude of most people working there was that it was just a means to an end. Why should they put there all into that job? It didn't really matter on the larger scale. But I believed that I needed to put my all into whatever I do. I believe that it was this attitude which got me a full-time job at a job which doesn't hire people full-time and I am getting paid far more than minimum wage for much less back-breaking work. At this job, my co-workers celebrate my desire to do my best where at my other jobs they suggested I not try so hard...care a little less.

You're never worthless. Whether you're working at Subway or working as a doctor. You can be homeless, a leper, or never have learned to write. You might be rich and spoiled. You might look different from everyone else. You might not like to play sports and exercise as much. It doesn't take away from worth. We choose, with our perspectives what matters to us and what is worthwhile. We can choose to put love, appreciation, fun and worth into what we are doing every day. We can choose to truly drink in all every moment has to offer.
Maybe we can sink into this idea; our reason to be is to experience and create. We put meaning into everything. We create what is worthwhile. This life is our canvas. It's not right, it's not wrong, it's only how we choose to sing our song.

How do I know that what I'm doing doesn't make a difference? My smile and kindness has helped others have a better day - there is significance in that. We're not just here to bring a message or complete a life mission. Isn't it okay that we're here - just simply - we are here. Nothing extra - we're here and that alone is our worth.
I know that I love my mother whether she is a nurse or an art teacher. I love her. Her existence brings me joy. I want to extend that same love to myself. I am simply grateful that I exist. Yes, there is a genuine desire in me to help make big, long-lasting improvements for this planet and that is a good desire. But that desire will no longer be laced with overwhelming should be's to be someone else and somewhere else than who I am and where I am.



I love you.

Ellie Bee 

Money Manifesto

1. Acceptance
I am here to experience all of my feelings. I accept both my joy, peace, and courage as well as my shame, anger, and fear towards my finances. I allow myself to be grateful for an emotional indicator which tells me what is best for me and what isn't. As I witness any feeling of unworthiness, lack, or fear about my finances...I experience in my body how this makes me feel. I do not try to change it or make it wrong. I accept it now.

2. Release
I release all of these feelings and sensations in my body & soul back to the Earth. I feel my own connection with mother earth. I give all that I am experiencing to her. I surrender any feelings, judgements or thoughts to the Divine. With deep, warming breaths I ground myself. I feel as if my feet are becoming roots and connecting with the nurturing womb of Mother Earth. I feel her joyful, soothing welcome as I release into her embrace. I can sense that she wishes to take care of me and that all she asks is for me to allow her to.

3. Affirmation
From this moment forth, I will love myself, as I am. I am perfect and beautiful, no matter what is or isn't in my bank account! I feel in my body what it's like to adore myself, right now! I feel the abundance of being alive. I am rich with life. Everyday I am sending 100% pure love from the Divine Universe through my Holy Body and through every glowing chakra. I am divine. I am supported by the Universe. I am unlimited and anything I want I can have. There is no lack in my world. I drink in these affirmations like sweet nectar...From this blissful, buzzing state I can see with confidence that money is innocent, pure energy and that it is attracted to my own innocent, pure energy! I'm irresistibly filled to the tops of my soul with joy!

4. Intention
I set the the following intentions;
I have easy, flowing financial abundance. This abundance feels deliciously good, in my body, my mind, and my soul! I am ready to be open and receive all miracles and guidance concerning my money situation because I deserve it. I intend that all of this take place for the highest best of all life and so mote it be.
I close my intention setting by allowing all of my dreams/wishes to be released from my hands like letting go of butterfly so that it may be free to take flight.  

5. Envision
I am stepping into my most abundant life now. I envision this taking place as if there were an open door in front of me and through that door is all that I am asking for. I step through that inviting, sunny doorway. As I stand on the other side I begin to imagine what my best possible future looks like. What does it feel like in my body? What are my thoughts? What are my emotions?
From this state of envisioning...I find a pen and paper and write a love letter to my finances. I see my finances the same way I would a beloved mate. I allow myself to be real, raw and passionate. I envision that all the good times I've experienced with my finances were like foreplay for what is to come.
 
  

Roots

"Hope in the darkness". This is something that has propelled me forward. "Seeing isn't believing, believing is seeing" - this has assisted me in overcoming obstacles in my life.

After my parent's divorce, I was lost in a chaos storm and I didn't know how to pick up the pieces. I began to go inward...even though after a time it became isolation - I was also asking a lot of existential and spiritual questions. Eventually it led to my spiritual dark-night-of-the-soul and transformation in 2011. 

I can see the other realms and I can still feel them. But I chose to come back to this planet, to this time and place. I chose to ground myself here. I chose to *continue* living. 

I want to ground deeply into my body, my life and to express myself with my actions everyday. I can take the wisdom from the magic I've cultivated to create.

True growth takes courage on my part. I am being asked to take responsibility. The confidence will come when I can truly accept all that I am and the power that is there. 

I feel there is need for more confidence in myself. In the past I would've *tried* to make that happen all at once. Now, I believe I must be rigorously honest with myself and take action steps [even if small] everyday. I cannot tell myself it's not okay for me to be where I am today. I need to accept it and then go from there. Acceptance is the key to freedom. Discipline will be my ally. 

I can ease up just a bit of pressure on myself, though. It isn't easy to do what I'm doing. It is possible though and joy lives now. 

If you're living your life and it feels stuck...if there is a feeling that it will always be this way. That you'll always feel powerless, unloved, hopeless - don't despair. If you are alone - you can be found. If you are powerless - you can find yourself. If you are hopeless - a new dawn can rise. Sometimes it's found in the small victories. Those small victories grow and start tying together until you become altered, transformed. 

There are Universes inside of us. My goal is for us to ground that experience here on Earth. 

Love Thyself

There is a friend of mine who has been the hospital recently because of an infected wound. He's a year older than me and has never been in surgery before. He was frightened and wanted me to be there by his side. He's been "in-love" with me basically since the first day we met.
I have been visiting him on and off because I know this IS a genuinely difficult time for him & I know the difference it can make to have someone there for you during those kind of times in your life. But I've continued to show that I am not interested in bringing it further. It's not because he isn't my *type* [not sure if I have one]. It's because he's not actually in love with me.

When we first met I was still in a romantic relationship with Kirene. So my friends interest in me didn't really phase me - obviously I wasn't going to leave Kirene for someone else. Yet my friend persisted to have these feelings and desired for it to be a reality.  I wasn't planning on getting really close to him.

Until the events of 2011 unfolded. A lot of my closest friends were stunned by what I was going through - even my brother & they all but left me to my own devices. Yet he listened to me & without being completely taken aback by what I was telling him. Without my realizing it ~ we became quite close & connected on a soul/psychic level.

After the life-changing events, I wasn't sure where Kirene and I stood. Things had happened & I had changed. I saw with a new perspective...I realized that a lot of the relationship had become about my happiness and what I wanted. I know we're never perfect but I didn't feel like it was equally benefiting us both, anymore. I needed space grow on my own and not have a crutch to fall back on. I wanted to learn self-love.
It was a big life decision to let go of our romantic relationship ~ even now, 3 years later, I sometimes want to go back on it. But last year I had the closure of talking to Kirene & both of us feeling it was for the best that we shift our relationship. It was then that I knew this wasn't just once again something that I wanted. 

It became really messy with my friend. He declared he was in love with me when I was with Kirene & then after months of nothing happening decided he didn't want to be lonely anymore & started dating someone. Around that time is when I'd made the decision to let Kirene go...He soon finds this out & that's where it became chaotic.
He continued to declare his love for me both to me & to the person he was dating. I didn't want to be in that chaos trio with them - both putting their focus to me when it really had nothing to do with me. We tried all sitting together and talking, getting everything out in the open but it didn't help much. I refused to get in a cat fight with the girlfriend. I made the decision to cut off all ties with them both after staying in this situation longer than I should have. I had grown pretty close to my friend, as I said before, and was reluctant to let go of one of this friendship.

Time passed and we both wanted closure - so my friend and I talked. I felt intuitively that there was still something beneficial for us both about our friendship but knew this intuition could be off or it could still mean that there would be chaos & messiness even if there were benefits. He matters to me & I do care for him.

Yet, I have made it very, very clear that I am not interested in a romantic relationship with him. He chooses not to hear this.
My main reasons are this; he pushed to be with me when I was in a relationship, when he was in a relationship & after I had clearly stated I wasn't interested. His actions are a violation of boundaries which is what being violated is.
The other is that I do not have those sort of feelings for him. When he confessed to me, I didn't feel anything drawing me to him. I do not feel that he is interested in ME nor that he is in love with me. He is in love with the idea of me, he is in love with what he thinks I can do for him. Not the actual person who is feeling violated by his actions.

He has been SUCH a mirror back to myself. Much of his personality is similar to mine & even the way he see's the world in a poetic way. But his actions have strengthened my resolve to let Kirene go & why I chose to in the first place.
If I pushed to stay in a relationship with Kirene - I'd only be interested in the idea of him & what I think he could do for me. But I want to genuinely care about him as an individual person.

We all have this space within us that is hungry & that wants...desires to be fulfilled and sated. It's like there is a emptiness that we cannot fill. As children, we called out to our parents to fill this emptiness, to nurture us and care for us. Those needs don't go away as we age. And since our first introduction to caring for those needs is to be cared for by someone else - I believe that we often seek a parents comfort in our partners.
I know I did with Kirene - the comfort of a family. The only issue with both always seeking comfort from another person is they are virtually the same! They are also children seeking that same comfort - neither of us are omnipotent. But, I do believe there is a limitless energy from which we can connect with. Often this is represented through religion or the idea of higher power. Yet, that can become very dogmatic in its approach and not always serve its best purpose [at least for me].
My relationship with Kiye, actually led me to discover this space of self-love/connection with unending Source...
I can't say what is right or wrong for us - my need to be comforted by someone led me to someone who cared for me unconditionally & gave me more than I could've ever imagined or know how to give back.
So THIS is my small way of doing that - for myself. I learned that I wanted & still want self-love.

This doesn't mean being alone & never being comforted by other - it's that the core of my comfort is founded in know that I am caring for myself, that I am choosing to be comforted by others and anything I do is my choice. So I can choose to care for myself - some days that may be alone time, other days it may be chatting with a friend.
Though, like anyone else, there are those day where I really want to be in close to someone romantically, the fear of never being nurtured is disappearing. For even when I enter that world again - I want to enter it from a place of ME care for myself & not expecting the other person to be my God/Godess or my connection to Source. We have a direct line to Source which is perfect for us individually - there is no reason to try and use it from someone else.

Ellie

Are we ever alone?

*This is more of a journal-y blog post ~ I am writing out my thoughts on why I am feeling a certain way*
Tonight, one of the emotions I am experiencing is loneliness. I wanted to examine these feelings since they are being purposefully heightened to get my attention.
As a little girl, I didn't talk, much longer than the average child learns to talk. Sometimes, even after learning to talk I would just stare at people rather than respond to them. If someone would call me "sweetie pie" I would frown in protest and say, "That's not my name! My name is Wibbabef!" I was clueless when it came to teasing. I usually assumed the person was just being extremely cruel or I just had no idea what they were talking about.
I have the actual memory of being in a public place with my family - there was some sort of gathering but I sauntered off on my own, away from having to meet people. It made someone upset & I think it was that day that my mother said, "She's just shy." I knew what that word meant by that point but I'd never thought of myself as shy. Shy & timid always seemed to go together...I didn't feel timid - I just didn't want to meet new people.
I grew out of all of this - when I started talking I couldn't stop and really I was a pretty friendly little girl. But as the years went on and my brother & I got older...I began noticing that people seemed to pay more attention to my brother. Every siblings story, right? He's said the same thing to me - I guess it's just a normal things for siblings to compare themselves with each other.
We've always been close so usually I like to hang out with him - he wanted to make friends and I liked hanging out with boys more than girls. "Sam's little sister" stuck, though. Even in high-school when I'd made my own group of friends - most people knew me as "Sam's little sister".
For a good many years growing up I didn't mind being Sam's side-kick or being seen that way. I've always adored my brother & so it was fun to think of myself as his side-kick. We've had a lot of fun together. But he began wanting his own life, his own friends - which makes perfect sense. He was still the independent hero but I was out of job of being a side-kick. What I loved about the idea of being a side-kick is that there would always be someone there who knew me, cared about me & loved me. I often felt like an outsider [like many of us do] & knowing there was someone there made me feel like the world was spinning the on its axis.
He began to go his own path & so I started making my own friends...No one called me shy but people didn't really fixate on me, either. I'd make a best friend & then we fight terribly and it would eventually pull away from one another. The people in school either knew me as Sam's little sister or just knew me because I was in school with them. I also never really had a clique in school - I was usually on good terms with just about everyone. But never so much that I really felt like I belonged to one clique or the other. If I was really close to anyone, it would be a select one or two people.
Then I met Emily & she became my best friend. She was the only one who would put up with my anger, at the time. So much was going on because of the divorce and the multiple deaths...my brother pulling away - I remember I felt so, so angry all the time.
Eventually, I went to another highschool & for the first time *everyone* noticed me from the moment I walked in. The preps asked me to sit with them but all the guys staring at me made me uneasy and so I decided to go sit with a friend that I'd played basketball with when I was younger. She was part of the dark clique. Again, I didn't associate with just one clique but at this small school - I was being watched with a bright spotlight. I had become unknowingly popular and not always in positive ways. Mean rumors spread about me from people I didn't even know. I couldn't focus on my school work...the drama became more and more harder for me to handle.
Eventually, I asked my mom to take me out of public school & start homeschooling me and she did. So while I was homeschooling, Emily & I would play on the RP site where you create characters and stories and write them out together. Years passed on that site and we made quite a few good friends there. We both spent about the same amount of time on there, it seemed. But I started pulling away, like I usually do. Pulling away to focus on my studies, my theories and my own world.
At this co-op school I befriended some people but I wasn't interested in getting really close to anyone. At this point, I really didn't trust people, anymore. I had my clique - Sam, Emily and Kiye were the main one's. We were all brought together by the magical mysteries of life. We all knew we were different and because of that - it felt like living a double life. I didn't feel like I could let people in if they weren't a part of my group. Because we were discovering things that seemed to defy all reason from what we are told is real and not real & also probably because we, each, had already felt like outsiders.
Years later - just a month or two ago I got back on that old RP site and logged into the chat just to see who was on. A person I was pretty good friends with said, "Lisbeth." & then someone else who had been a regular on that site said, "I feel like I should know you." Before I could say anything my old friend said, "That's because you do, it's Vermalins cohort." Vermalin was Emily's username. I made a joke about that comment but my old friend simply replied, "If people can't remember you but know who Vermalin is than that makes you her cohort."
Everyone knew that Emily & I were best friends...We did often do roleplays together & sometimes I would just talk to Emily and a few other people. While as she did socialize more than I did. Again, I like to focus in on a person. It reminded me of that time when mom said, "She's just shy." I didn't feel shy or timid. And though I had a enjoyed being a side-kick when I was younger...I didn't feel like a cohort. Emily & I did our own separate thing. But there were times that I defended her passionately because people were ganging up on her.

From what I've seen is that I usually enjoy having one or two really close friends and then other friends whom I connect with when I can.
Despite everything I just wrote, I enjoy the company of others very much. But, I eventually I have to pull away & reload - I have to go back to my own world where it's just me and recharge.
I live an intense life being a Scorpio and the added intensity of another person can be overloading to me. But when I pull away, I don't think to tell people, "I'm pulling away to recharge." Often, I don't notice I'm doing it. Usually, that person will move on to something else or someone else. If I choose to interact again, they will interact but as group of friends begins to form - I often will need to take my breaks and then will feel very far behind in getting to know everyone...Even though people will connect with me they probably often feel that I am distant or maybe just busy with my own life.
I do live pretty blissfully on my own but truth be told - I'm actually not at my best when I'm alone all the time. I enjoy being social and connecting with others very much - it's like fuel to my being. At the same time, I also need my space to rejuvenate.

All my close friends in my little circle have either moved away or are growing up and doing their own thing. While I am connected to a wonderful group world-wide, now...That loneliness is still there. There are new budding friendships which I am very greatful for. But I think more than sharing my voice - I wish to be held, touch another's hand and just *be* with them.
Sometimes, I feel like people don't want to hear my message - that most people don't. I feel as though there's no time to talk to me, anymore. It's interesting because that same scenario played out with my brother. I'm ready to heal that pattern. I know people are there & the more they know the way I work and that I do truly want a friendship the easier it will be. I know that people do care about what I have to say - they wouldn't listen if they didn't - they care about me and they care about my happiness.

I do still feel different. I don't think I'm an outcast - it's not a bad or good different...just different. I know there are other people who are *different* like me. I don't think I'm the special one out. But, all I know is that I am only living from my perspective & that perspective wants to be seen, to be heard...to be held.
I want to see others, hear others and hold others.
I enjoy my alone time more than I ever have. I like the peacefulness of being on my own [though we are never truly alone]. The loneliness indicates that I want to try something different, though.