I came to the realization today that there is always a solution to something or atleast it is best to have that sort of attitude to keep moving forward life. Do the best you can, keep your head up and look for the solutions or else you will only make things worse for yourself.
This is a blog meant specifically for the purpose of helping me with my journey to be true to who I am. I have many goals that I would like to accomplish and I have a desire to truly live my life to its fullest. All I can say for you is, stay strong, beautiful. And no matter whether you believe or not if you truly put out the effort from the bottom of your heart a little luck is sure to come your way.
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Heart
I don't cry much at all anymore. When I was younger it happened quite frequently and I processed my emotions quickly. Things rarely just hung over me. When I cry now it's from a build up of too much stress, anxiety and hopelessness exploding into a melt down. The tears rarely feel safe. In the past I saw crying as a healthy and needed part of life but now it makes me feel too naked...exposing my underbelly to this world.
At the same time, I don't understand how I continue to move forward and continue to push myself with how depleted spiritually that I feel. My heart aches atleast once a week. I spiral into depression atleast once a week. I don't cry usually. I just feel hopeless. I feel scared all the time. I don't feel safe very often. I don't have fun very often. When I do it surprises everyone how much I light up. They think I'm on drugs or something but it's simply that I don't have fun anymore. I don't like Journaling because it makes me look at the hard truth of where I am...especially emotionally. I haven't been this out of touch with myself in a long time. It's like doors to my heart just finally closed...it didn't want to but it seemed to have no other choice to survive. I've become a much colder, cynical person...angry at small things. I try to remind myself to forgive and to let go of the small things. It's helping some. I don't like where I am...I am flabbergasted by it to some degree because I never saw it coming. I was naive - I don't want to blame myself for that. I didn't try to ignore the signs of where I was headed. There were so many signs before this started telling me to caution myself with Tristan. I thought it was because he would be a bad person in my life but now I see that things are never that simple. It was just that things were going to become A LOT more challenging for me. I rushed into the storm head first like I did in 2011, not prepared for the consequences of my actions. Since I chose something for my heart...my heart would have to pay the universe back. Karma? I'm starting to believe that the universe must keep the balance....everything has a price. Whether your see it as good or bad. And that's a part of responsibility that I never wanted to see. Because life is still not fairly balanced...or balanced in your own well beings favor. It simply balances as the sun rises each day. Yet, some part of me believe that the universe does have some sense of benevolence. I really don't know who I am...right now or what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm traumatized by life and I don't know how I'm ever going to heal from it when it's very sick and messed up on this planet we call our home.
I can't looking away from the truth...my heart is a mess. A big, fat mess. What do I need?
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Health
For the passed year I have been learning more about my body than ever before. It began with reoccur ant health issues that only seemed to get worse the more I took the antibiotics I was prescribed by doctors. I took health into my own hands and went to see an herbalist. At this point I'd seen a urologist who told me I had IC. Interstitial Cystitis. She told me there is no cure for it only therapies because they still don't understand well enough why it happens. She had set a date for me to get an invasive surgery as therapeutic means and also to see what was going on. That's when I made up my mind to see an herbalist. She explained to me that IC comes from an unhealthy gut. When continual antibiotics, poor diet and stress combine...it creates the worst kind of bacteria in the gut. I needed to change my diet completely and re-populate my gut with healthy bacteria. So...I began the journey and struggle of cutting out sugar, bread and really most foods I used to eat as comfort. Also, no alcohol. Even with continual failure and slip ups...when I was on track...the painful flare ups began to go away. The other issues subsided as well. I finally when for official testing and found out that I had extreme bacteria overgrowth...candida. It was affecting everything. So now it's my journey to reduce stress in my life, stay to a strict candida free diet and stay far, far away from antibiotics. BV has recently reappeared in my life after months and months without suffering from it. I used all the ammunition I had stored against it and it's still minorly affecting me but it's only settled my resolve even more to kill this candida once and FOR ALL. It's been over a year now and i have made it this far...having health issues and having no answer or even worse being told there is no cure....to having answers and knowing there is a cure is a HUGE step. I am stronger with knowledge. Even though the journey is still long ahead of me, I believe I will make it to my goal even more cleanly this time. I have been clean and sober for months now. My mind is beginning to open up again and I feel like I am returning to some sense of normalcy. I'm getting my finances back in order...I am getting back on track. I'm relearning not to sweat the small stuff. Health is an intuitive journey. If something does NOT feel right for you or your body...trust that.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Work
I'm writing this while I'm in one of my *spells*. For almost two years now I've been in a deep depression. I haven't posted on my blog in quite some time. I've felt unmotivated and almost want to punish myself from the good things in my life - one out of fear and two because I'm dealing with a lot of self loathing. I am writing this now to get a better understanding of my mindset during one of these bouts of depression. Something triggers it and I become totally paralyzed by it. Especially during the Spring when I am already mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted by work. I'm now seeing a counselor about my depression and anxiety issues. I want to be more aware of what I'm thinking and feeling during these times so I can better learn how to heal.
I've been working my job at Colliers for 4 years now. They've flown by. Time goes by so much faster when I'm working everyday. My life has been very rocky. I have trouble sticking to a routine. I somehow managed to get my health back on track after a severe chronic pain problem called IC. It was one of the scariest things I've faced yet. Having a full time job and a deep relationship with a boyfriend has really taken its toll on me. I started to feel like I had no voice and barely existed. I pulled away from all social interaction and have to motivate myself hardcore to go out and socialize. I went from being so hopeful about life to basically fighting to have any hope at all. It hurts to have fallen so far and to feel so weak. But I know that I am not. I know I'm much stronger than I want to admit to myself. I don't want the power that comes with the responsibility. I am terrified of what I'll have to face. My fear has crippled me. I feel like I was a giant taken down by a stone.
My counselor told me the importance of gratitude in my life...but a part of me is fearful of truly going into that. I want to protect myself...so desperately I want a place that feels safe. I am so sensitive to life and I feel like I'm becoming more and more warped. But it's hard for me to tell anymore. "Chasing True." My connection to my higher power or the being True...i think that's where I feel the most self loathing. I feel like a coward...how did I ever let myself get into this situation?