Untamed

When? When did being Elizabeth stop being enough? What clicked? When did I realize I had to be a hero?
Was it the fairytales? The cartoons and movies? Was it middle school - not feeling like I could ever fit in...being the chameleon. No one really noticing me, realizing I wasn't that important.
Somehow, I feel this journey is my birthright. The discovery of self. The dichotomy of realizing my smallness and infiniteness all at once. I am both simply a 24 year old girl who lives in a small town and the Universe incarnate. We all are. We are all on our own hero's journey.
But I have trusted my own mind, my own story as if it were written by God/dess themself. Truth is...I am only a drop in the infinite ocean of knowledge and wisdom. Of course we create our pathways and territories in our own mind...to be truly, deeply open to the infinite is to be obliterated...I know from experience of stepping too close to the edge of all things solid - the great Void.
I was close enough to taste it...close enough to be forever changed by it. We need our stories, our individual lives which solidify our sense of separateness. We also need the Void, our connection to great Spirit, the womb.
I am enough, exactly as I am. I make mistakes, I am not a mistake. May the song in my heart be Hope-bringing. May I remember my animal nature and dance one with the stars who guide us. I am not alone on this journey of Self.
No longer will I try to be bigger than I really am. Grant me this wish, heart. Grant me the wish of allowing me to simply be Ellie. The girl who loves with all her heart but is human.
May I look in the mirror of life and see myself...No editing, no censoring, no bolstering of an image...me.
When the Void touched my being...a huge part of me died. I believe our sense of self rests in our perceptions of self. Those perceptions were sliced to pieces. Honestly, I lost most perception of self except for the obvious perception that I was alive, conscious and processing the world around me. I didn't feel male or female and sometimes both but by the worst part of it...The most intense and terrifying, I felt empty...like i was a ghost that could fade away into the walls around me. Even with my friends and family standing around me, trying to help me...I felt like a tiny whisper over thousands of much louder voices.
No one could help me, not my family and not the strangers who looked into my eyes...Those strangers looked at me as strangers always had. Even though I felt like I was dying on the inside. Not the painful kind of death, the slipping from this reality into the other sort of death.

Comfort. The comfort you feel as a small child when your mother holds you close to her chest and you know that you will be okay. The comfort of your father tucking you in before bed and telling you that the boogeyman won't come to get you.
Comfort. Having a meal to eat, water to drink, a warm bed to rest in...a car to take you places...a cell phone to connect you with the world. Sweet foods, drugs and alcohol. Books that take you to another world. Stories, stories bring us comfort. Is comfort always a warm fuzzy feeling? Comfort and Coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms bring comfort, bring stability.
In 2011, I had no comfort. I couldn't feel the warmth of my bed. Even sleep was no friend to me because I was still in that state in my sleep...I was asleep but my brain was awake. Like my eyes, the eyes of my whole being had been taped open and no matter how hard I tried to look away I could not.
Why do we have to cope with real life? It means to see life for ALL that it truly is, is very uncomfortable. Terrifying, heartbreaking, unthinkable...We can't wrap our brains or our minds around it. Even the things which bring us joy. It's hard for us to perceive it all, it comprehend it all. We are animals with eyes that see more than they know how to handle.
All the other animals don't go through what we go through. Are we so sophisticated? It's easy to feel that way when we compare ourselves to other creatures. But we are the only animal on this planet with this sort of understanding of life. Other animals learn more from one another because they are on similar levels of consciousness. Who do we have to learn From? We are the only humans. We haven't met our ET brothers and sisters if they are out there. We are here, alone as the only species with this level of consciousness and we are trying to figure it all out.
So we cope. And we still seek the comfort that generation passed have shown us works...and new comforts that technology brings us. How much of our advancement has to do around coping with reality?
We talk about how we are pioneers of finding the Truth...through science, through spirituality but we do not discuss as openly and honestly and PROUDLY our journey towards coping and comfort.
I am human. I am an animal. If I step too close to the sun, just like Icarus, I will burn. Reality of life, the Truest Truth is like the Sun and I must be like the Earth...I must orbit it...never too close to be burned by it.
We need our stories that we tell ourselves...our stories help us cope and navigate through the realities of this life. Everyone knows the wild is harsh and unforgiving, while it may also be magical and life giving.
Do we truly believe we can tame life? We haven't. And we never will until we control life and death. Death is the wild unknown, untameable aspect of human life.
So What? Cope until I am thrown into the abyss?
I am not tame. Life will always win through death. No one cheats death. Not saying in the future we won't figure out how.
But currently we are being dishonest. We have forgotten we will die...I know, it's for comfort...it's for civility and being a good citizen in this society...conform to have the modern comforts this society offers.

I am going to die one day. It haunts my every step. I hear it when the clock ticks. The clock slowly ticks away my life and the life of all those I will ever know and love. It's terrifying and yet we must find ways to cope. This is only one terrifying reality in millions.
Do other animals deeply and truly know they will die one day like we do?

We try to gain control but so little we actually have. We possess power, especially with our technology...great power. But we lack great wisdom. And power is not control. Because the forces we are up against cannot be controlled.

I cannot say what happens in the future and what will be reality and truth in the future. Maybe one day we will meet ET brothers and sisters who will help us to understand everything better. Maybe our technology will literally keeping us from dying, open the door for time travel or interdeminsional travel. Maybe we will realize our psychic abilities...heal ourselves and end all wars...

But so far, reality, all the stories I've ever read and generations of history has shown that there will still be challenges...We will still experience powerlessness, pain and suffering and need a way to cope.
Things are never so black and white.

All I know right now is I'm learning the balance of coping to survive as human during this time of being human and how to open myself to the light of Sun/truth which burns away everything but what is.