Change

My style? Does it represent me? It represents what I want out of life right now. Life became too heavy for me...so heavy that my knees were buckling underneath the weight of it all.
So I had to let my identity go and basically just choose the part of me that doesn't mind blending into a crowd.
It hurts to express those other parts of me. Truthfully, I'm so out of touch with them now that I don't connect like I once did. I see other people expressing themselves in ways that our loud and I would love to do that if I were someone else. If I were 'young again'. But I've worked hard to be respected by adults and it feels really good to be treated as an equal. I like how that feels.
Also, blending in is very easy on my psyche. It's like me going back to the girl I was when I was very young and I just didn't really care about fashion.
My style now says, "I am one of you living in the bubble." It's a happy little bubble...that world that some how still exists. Despite it's obvious flaws. The world we live in now scares the beejesus out of me. Lol
Everything changes.

Authenticity

If something I write can connect with someone else...maybe help them feel not so alone in their own world than it all seems worth it. Worth it to put in the effort and to bare my truth to the world. It's not always about spreading positivity for me anymore. Though I do love to spread joy and positivity...it's more important to me that I share authenticity. Because there is a great famine of authenticity in life, from my personal view of society today. It's hard to feel connected when everyone is wearing a mask and afraid to be truly vulnerable or real with one another.

Thoughts

What if we didn't need money for survival or for our most basic needs to be taken care of. What if that was already a given and jobs weren't mandatory...we had enough technology that we only worked if we wanted to. What if life was more about exploring rather than suriviving. I crave a world like that. But a world where greed reins paramount...i don't see that easily happening. That's not the goal of most corporations or big money. They see us as cattle or sheep.

Brutal

It's happening again, the synchronicity is happening faster and more in depth than ever before.
First I play that game Sam wanted me to play...it showed me how every little choice shifted the balance...it was a choose my own adventure game. It showed me the shadow...it led me back to Carl Jung.
I had the conversation with my dad about Carl Jung and he mentioned his inner council. It awakened me to my own inner truth once again. I began recording my dreams. Kerli's entire album was on shadow work.
I saw the stink bug and Cesar kept saying it was my shadow...he was right.
Wynne and I cleared out the nursery...there was an accident there the next day.
Aymee and Sam made amends...things are shifting. The planets are moving.
We are in ever evolving timelines. I watched Bandersnatch...it spoke to my soul. Now Russian Doll...Emily, she is the key to the stars...the star Lyra...i got led to that from Emily of the Moon. Literally she has an aunt named Elizabeth. And it's Anne of Green Gables...Aymee's favorite story.
My loneliness...it's my ivory tower of loneliness...I'm safe there. It's scary how connected we all are.
Bed bugs
Stink bugs
Ants
Butterflies
Lady bugs
Dragonflies
🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋
Long lost lover...it's a comforting feeling. I felt it only for a moment. the desire to find that soul mate. It came from the stories I was reading? Or maybe the movies? Or maybe my friends or my brother? Or myself? That desire feels so dangerous now. Once upon a time it was a glorious feeling, beautiful even. I trusted it, I had no reason not to. I even experienced it on some level. Emily created Kirene. You know that, you've always known that.
Nearly a lifetime....being with Kirene for so many years changed my inner landscape. It made the outside world harder to live in.
I know what I was searching for...something to take the edge off from the brutal onslaught of emotions. 

Illusions and Perceptions

I thought of how I am the same consciousness that was born into this body 25 years ago. And yet I feel completely different now. I know I'm the same consciousness simply because of my memories...but it is almost like the memories of some other person since I see the world through a different lenses now. We are like flowers...yet sometimes it feels like I opened too soon and my edges are already beginning to wilt. You can't see it on the inside...it's something I feel inside. Like I'm spread out too thin.
Cesar said I was more open with him when I wasn't dating him - I said that maybe I didn't want him to see everything now. I wanted him to like me. Then he said how will he know me otherwise. and I said not everything is appropriate for me to share and so he said, yeah, like a man on the side.
That's why I don't want to share everything with him...he's uber sensitive and takes things personally and then lashes out.
I do feel lonely. I had promised myself I'd never let myself become closed off from people and now it's sort of just naturally happened. I've stopped trying to share every piece of me with the world. It's not that I can't have intimacy...just not every piece of me with another human. Truth is...even I don't know every piece of me. That longing for someone truly see me is rather strange when even I can't truly see me. I think that's what cuts so deep...is that for so long I've felt like I'm not really real. I'm not an actual person. I think that's what I connect so much with Alan Watt's teaching because it's a much more positive take on it than the void and meaninglessness that I have felt from that sense of reality. 
I identified as the shining light within myself...the beacon holder of my dreams and overall the best parts of me (in my understanding of myself). Now I see there is so much more to me and lots of it feels like a stranger to me. I feel like a stranger to myself the more I grow up...such an odd feeling...to see you know less and less about yourself and who you really want to be and what life is all about.

Breathe

It hasn't been easy but I've been working towards living in a state of peace. Which means letting go of that which takes away from my peace. Whatever that may look like...its amazing how just taking a little bit of time out of my day to relax can have such a profound impact on my life. I feel like I have landed on a bed of feathers...i feel so light and easily supported. I no longer feel like I'm having to run everything...i can just let go and breathe.