Trust Issues

Trust issues caused me to create ways in which I protect myself from others which might come across as unfair, unfounded or uncalled for. But it is coming from an authentic place from my own experiences. 

Healing is knowing that I do have the power now to leave any situation or experience which is harmful. It's being able to truly be vulnerable and open with myself & someone else. 

I didn't realize how deeply my trust issues ran through every part of my life. That in some ways, it ruled my life. It was only when I really began to do the work that it became revealed to me. This ever persistent fear and hurt that corroded the joy trying to blossom inside of me. It was there to protect me and so deeply in bedded that I couldn't just become aware of it and stop doing it.

I really, really had to dig deep. Back to the very core memories of where it began. To work through it with friends, family and professionals. I had to become honest about the ways in which I buried my feelings, trying to escape from it.

The pain was so bright and hot that I feared touching it too long. But the closer I got to it, the more it pulled me in. That's when the suicidal ideations began. The panic attacks. The lashing out and acting out. Whenever I felt abandoned and the cord of my trust issues was tugged on...out came the wounded, terrified child. 

Today, I'm finally safe. The goal now is to continue rebuilding trust with myself. There are several ways I nurture that. Learning to truly communicate my needs & desires. Being open to constructive criticism without beating myself up. Opening my heart to people who have my best interest in mind. Building healthy relationships with people. Prioritizing my goals and dreams. Putting my health first. Continuing to grow in every possible way. Creating a loving and healing environment around me. One where my core self is respected and uplifted. Truly understanding my boundaries and knowing how to communicate what they are. Having an honest view of relationships and where I stand with them. Forgiveness for myself and others. Continually checking my own inventory. Staying connected with people who challenge me spiritually. The list goes on. I have a lot of tools at my disposal. No longer do I have to sit in self pity and feel like this is my lot in life. I can continue to move forward as a whole & happy individual. The journey has been a long one so far but so worth it.