occurence

Reservation Dogs 

A tribe called quest 

a-year a tribe called red

Q tip played in pen 15 

Pronouns & punching up vs. punching down humor

 

Pronouns & punching up vs. punching down humor

It’s up to allies, and cisgender allies in particular, to learn to start respecting the pronouns we’re asked to use. If someone tells you they use they/them pronouns, you should practice referring to that person as “them,” because that’s what they asked you to do. If someone you’ve known your whole life as a “she” suddenly starts asking you to refer to them as “he,” you make an effort, and do so. You will almost certainly make mistakes. That’s understandable. Apologize and move on. But being an ally means putting your own comfort second.

Why Stating Pronouns is Important

         Trans, non-binary, and other gender non-conforming groups have introduced cisgender people to the practice of stating pronouns during introductions. For someone who has never had to question their pronouns, it’s not always a routine thing to do, and often we need reminding to do it. This just means when you meet someone new, you say something along the lines of “Hi, my name is Gena and I use she/her pronouns.”

         For people who are cisgender, this might sometimes feel like stating the obvious. But here’s why it’s important: It’s not for you. And sometimes, it’s important to put cis-privilege to use in some way that actually contributes to equality, instead of overpowering the conversation. So even if introducing the habit of adding pronouns to your “Hello my name is” routine is a little awkward at the beginning, that’s okay. You’ll get used to it. Eventually, normalizing using pronouns every day will make it so that when people who are not cisgender use them, they don’t “stick out” as much.  

What this means is if there is a group of ten people introducing themselves, and only one of those people states personal pronouns in their introduction, that person sticks out a bit, inadvertently being spotlighted. They want their pronouns respected, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be obvious to everyone in the room that they are not cisgender. However,  if everyone in that room says their pronouns in the introduction, that one person blends right in, and doesn’t need to be isolated.

It’s worth noting though, that some people don’t feel comfortable stating their gender pronouns publicly, and just because you state yours it does not entitle you to everyone else’s. Usually, asking is okay! But if you’re concerned about outing someone, do so in a private environment when possible.

Some people’s internal identity might not exactly match their external presentation (as you perceive it). However, being referred to as the pronoun they feel most comfortable with can go a long way to improving their day, and does very little to inconvenience yours. Plus, it might increase their respect for you, and maybe even their quality of life a bit. When you use someone’s preferred pronouns, you’re acknowledging that you have respect for who they are as a human being. So, if you see someone’s social media has “they/them” on it, you know how to refer to them. It goes beyond “Hi my name is…”. There are lots of other places that we can normalize pasting our pronouns in so that people who don’t identify within traditional binary gender norms don’t have to stick out.

 Places to consider adding your pronouns

Work or school email signature

• Social media bios (Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc)

• Business cards

• “Hello my name is” tags at events or conferences

• Before you do a presentation (e.g., “Hi, my name is Thomas Edison, I use He/Him pronouns, and today I’m going to talk to you about this cool new invention of mine called the lightbulb”)

In sum, if everyone states their pronouns clearly from the start, not only does it reduce the chance that someone ends up being misgendered, but it also lightens the onus for those outside the binary. Inclusion happens slowly, and sometimes in the form of your Twitter bio.

Punching down vs. punching up humor 

Humor has long been used as a positive social tool, helping to bridge gaps between communities, share information, and understand the world. However, it has the potential to negative as well. Jokes at the expense of the LGBTQ community, which are often labeled reductively as “gay jokes,” can be funny. But they are often discriminatory and destructive, serving as a reproduction of oppressive social norms that have haunted the LGBTQ community for generations. Jokes at the expense of the LGBTQ community are just one example of the negative potential of humor, but this is connected to a larger struggle.

Collective liberation is the recognition that all of our struggles and identities are intimately connected, and that working together is necessary to create a better world. It is the belief that every person is worthy of dignity and respect and that, within systems of oppression, everyone suffers. What’s so funny about that? And what does it have to do with media, comedy, and non-LGBTQ people making a joke at the expense of the LGBTQ community? The answer is something that is often described as “punching down.”

The ideas of “punching down” and “punching up” are useful in understanding how to tell a joke about a vulnerable identity or community. The distinction between the two allows for a nuanced discussion about these kinds of jokes, rather than applying a blanket ethics of "good" or "bad" and calling it a day. As is often the case, the distinction comes down to social privilege. Jokes at someone’s expense can be funny-- this piece is not meant to be prescriptive. However, it is crucial to consider the context and consequences of a joke. Punching down might seem harmless, but it has far-reaching and dangerous implications. 

One popular framework that describes the ways that a joke that punches down can perpetuate discrimination is the discrimination pyramid. The discrimination pyramid is often used in the social sciences to describe the ways that attitudes create beliefs, which create verbal expressions of biases (including bigoted jokes), which eventually serve to further interpersonal and social experiences of violence and oppression. Punchlines don’t have to be at LGBTQ people’s expense in this way--they might be about LGBTQ people. Calling attention to the jacked up systems that keep LGBTQ people unequal can still be funny. While this might seem to have a lot to do with the content of the joke itself, it's also important to consider who is telling it.

Punching up can be understood as a subversive act by a vulnerable person in the face of violence and oppression. But the same joke told by someone who is not subject to the kind of oppression the joke references radically alters its meaning. Not everybody is the same, and we need to acknowledge that we all move through the world differently.

The bottom line is that it just isn’t all that funny to perpetuate systemic oppression. This statement isn't oppressing the cisgender or straight people of the world by asking them to take a second of their time to think about the consequences of their joke, and how their identity figures into those consequences. It’s lazy to do otherwise. Jokes that punch down are both a symptom and reproduction of kinds of oppression that do not apply to the person telling the joke.

The LGBTQ community is no stranger to people punching down at us. Trans women, for example, have been the butt of jokes in the cis, white dominated entertainment industry for as long as I can remember. Bisexual+ (bi, pansexual, fluid, queer, etc) people, also, are often the butt of jokes by both straight and gay people, contributing to a larger problem of exclusion and erasure that keeps bisexuals+ at higher risks for poor physical, emotional, and social health. Understanding the nuances of discrimination isn’t easy, but being mindful and open to criticism is a good starting point. 

Understanding punching up and punching down allows us to critique jokes that perpetuate discrimination, while also allowing room for jokes at the expense of those who would perpetuate oppression. LGBTQ people punching up takes back agency from their oppressors, furthering the possibility of a livable life for all vulnerable people due to our collective struggle.

Comedians, writers, and media professionals have a responsibility to acknowledge their position in relation to the subject of their content. Punching down doesn’t solve any problems, it just creates them. We can do better. I promise

Dorian's thoughts - 

Pronouns - if a cisgendered ally changes a nonbinary/trans persons pronouns [even in jest] they are perpetuating an oppressive struggle they are already dealing with on a daily basis. If you add on that this cisgendered person has not accomplished correctly using their pronouns yet, this comes across as an aggression and lack of empathy. 

Practicing pronouns when someone is not present, educating oneself on trans/nonbinary realities through books and videos, this will help. Interacting with more trans/nonbinary folks who use they/them pronouns might also help. I have given you a book and linked you to some nonbinary folks who are very easy to follow. If you want me to link you to the youtuber again, I can. 

Using a fake pronoun for yourself to be cute seems innocent enough but as a cisgendered person this is punching down on an already oppressed group. You have privilege as an ally and that comes with responsibility. This is why it would actually be genuinely helpful to introduce yourself or post your own pronouns on your pages in support. It's ok if you don't but avoid making light of pronoun usage because it only confuses the matter. Reference back to the discrimination pyramid.  

Fragile Dragoness

Everyone has blind spots or things they do everything in their power not to see. 

There has been a chink in my armor, a vulnerable spot close to my heart. But like in old myths with dragons and dragon slayers, I've tried to hide this weakness. 

It has been my kryptonite, more because of my cognitive dissonance around it. My unwillingness to admit it is still there. I guess, I'd hoped no one could see it. But the more blind I was too it, the more it grew. Until it was a massive wound, festering. Until the whole world could easily spot it. Until I was a beckon to vultures who might prey on me. 

But still I wouldn't admit to my innermost self that it was there. I believed in the magic of manifestation. I went to the healers and they would help me for a time, but not for long. Somehow it would always grow back. I became convinced I was cursed...not that I was reopening old wounds and making them worse every time I went into battle. I still thought it was a tiny, hidden vulnerability over my heart...not this massive, festering thing. I was a dragon but as breakable as glass. 

Finally, finally. I see it. It was through trying to tune into the one consciousness that I realized what I'd been doing all along. Why I created fantasies, tried to numb out or runaway. The dark figure chasing me in my dreams was my own shadow. I was eating myself alive with my denial. He wasn't who I wanted him to be and I was grieving that truth. Go back to the little girl and give her your hand. What I resist persists...time to face the wound for what it is & feel the pain I feel. 

Trust Issues

Trust issues caused me to create ways in which I protect myself from others which might come across as unfair, unfounded or uncalled for. But it is coming from an authentic place from my own experiences. 

Healing is knowing that I do have the power now to leave any situation or experience which is harmful. It's being able to truly be vulnerable and open with myself & someone else. 

I didn't realize how deeply my trust issues ran through every part of my life. That in some ways, it ruled my life. It was only when I really began to do the work that it became revealed to me. This ever persistent fear and hurt that corroded the joy trying to blossom inside of me. It was there to protect me and so deeply in bedded that I couldn't just become aware of it and stop doing it.

I really, really had to dig deep. Back to the very core memories of where it began. To work through it with friends, family and professionals. I had to become honest about the ways in which I buried my feelings, trying to escape from it.

The pain was so bright and hot that I feared touching it too long. But the closer I got to it, the more it pulled me in. That's when the suicidal ideations began. The panic attacks. The lashing out and acting out. Whenever I felt abandoned and the cord of my trust issues was tugged on...out came the wounded, terrified child. 

Today, I'm finally safe. The goal now is to continue rebuilding trust with myself. There are several ways I nurture that. Learning to truly communicate my needs & desires. Being open to constructive criticism without beating myself up. Opening my heart to people who have my best interest in mind. Building healthy relationships with people. Prioritizing my goals and dreams. Putting my health first. Continuing to grow in every possible way. Creating a loving and healing environment around me. One where my core self is respected and uplifted. Truly understanding my boundaries and knowing how to communicate what they are. Having an honest view of relationships and where I stand with them. Forgiveness for myself and others. Continually checking my own inventory. Staying connected with people who challenge me spiritually. The list goes on. I have a lot of tools at my disposal. No longer do I have to sit in self pity and feel like this is my lot in life. I can continue to move forward as a whole & happy individual. The journey has been a long one so far but so worth it. 

vulnerable

I want to share with you this Ted talk that means a lot to me, especially right now

I am going through a lot of changes right now. Truth is vulnerability, true authenticity has terrified me. I didn't even realize it until later I life. When 2011 happened, it was a breakdown/spiritual awakening like what happens to Brene Brown. I learned the importance of vulnerability & knowing I am worthy of love. That I am enough and I belong. My past, with my parents splitting and some of the bad fights that ensued unconsciously made me feel like I wasn't enough. 

But I was 18 then & still had a lot to learn, I needed to become stronger...less naive. 

Now I understand more than I ever have to live a truly wholehearted life I must be daringly vulnerable...which means to have the courage to be who I truly am with my whole heart. To know that I am worthy of love exactly as I am. I am enough. It means letting go of certainty and control of outcomes. Leaning into the discomfort. It means leaving a job which gives me no fulfillment but gives me some sense of certainty about my life. 

It means showing you who I truly am without withholding out of fear that you won't like what you see. 

Sädemeke

Sädemeke, little light, I've been hearing your siren call since I was a small child.

I believe we all can hear you, but domestication makes us dumb, deaf & blind. 

I never stopped listening to you, my belief in that little light which I saw was so strong. 

Voices whispered doubts in my ear, "you're young, you're naive...can't you see you're living in a fantasy world?"

The voices were perceptive of a partial reality. I was young, naive & living in a fantasy world. But that didn't make me wrong, either. 

My intuition was a guiding compass. One which would prove to be a life saver in the years to come. 

The world was far more mysterious than I could yet comprehend. 

My heart could perceive what my mind can never understand. Endless thoughts which only led to more questions. 

My wildish nature was derailed from time to time. Charming experiences flooded me from the world around me. How easy it was to lose sight of Sädemeke in a world full of temptations. 

But to live ones life divorced of one's own intuitive nature is dangerous. There came a point in which I became strengthened in my determination to follow the voice no matter what other paths may tempt me. 

Because without that spark burning within, I was turning to ashes while still alive. 

Higher Power

I always had a thought in the back of my mind that I went kooky in 2011. Maybe I was schizo like my aunt. But it manifested before I turned 20 & I didn't have any of the other symptoms. Plus, I didn't require medication & it never came back. Psychiatrists, doctors and therapists have all agreed that it wasn't the early signs of schizo disorder.
All that being said, that's never been something I've needed to explain to people. But this time it was...or so I felt the need to defend myself because someone literally asked me if I thought I was schizo. I had felt frustrated before that no one ever mentioned to me that possibility but hearing someone actually ask that was worse.
It has all clicked for me, though. It was a spiritual experience. My higher power has been trying to reach me for so long. I was terrified of that experience. I was similarly terrified of my parents divorce. It was a huge change in my life. It rocked the foundations of what I knew reality to be. I no longer felt safe or like I had stable ground to stand on. I also lost my connection to my higher power. In my search to regain stability especially after 2011...I overlooked any real connection with my higher power. It was easier to look for that stability in the external world. Truth is, I haven't been able to find it in drugs, or food or people. There's no great love affair to fix all of my problems. To take away the edge of or bite of life. Just my higher power. Only my higher power is able to soothe the burn of life's fire. The relationship which I'm building with my HP is what I always wanted but was struggling to create.