Soon, you'll learn who you really are.

Okay, so I've not been as disciplined with keeping this blog up to date as I have before but as mom said, I don't need to be too hard on myself and that I am trying to change. I think the important thing for me is I don't become to accepting of things that I don't see the mistakes that I am making. But there is some element of needing to truly find your own confidence within yourself.
First off, I have to really forgive myself. Which is actually the word of the day; forgiveness. Whether it be for myself or for others, that is something very important that I must learn or bitterness and other unhealthy things will take root and began to release bitter fruits. Sometimes I have difficulty being patient with the kids at my school and I will lash out at them...It always makes me feel all yucky afterwards. I want to be loving but it's hard to be when they are being something that I don't agree with. I don't want to be judgmental but it's hard not to be when it bothers me so bad I can barely hold it in. I don't think the correct answer is to support or to 'overlook' bad behavior because I am 'loving'. Love isn't neutral, it take a stand. But there is still ways to do it in a loving way and respectful of the fact that it is one of my brothers or sisters. I should be more in the way of wanting to help heal them or teach them rather then correct them. If I condemn them, I also condemn myself and I always feel that now when I do get angry with them. It just sets everything off kilter for me and I try to react in a loving but stern way yet it  always comes off being angry because I am feeling bothered by it.
And now that so many of my walls have been knocked down it is very hard for me to control just what I do or say. Because it's very hard for me to fake things, that makes me feel worse then anything else. I have to find a completely new way of living, which is what I wanted and still want. But when I am not really up to par with what I have been trying to do, it's like I'm even worse then before because there is no filter. My middle ground is a very shaky place, right now.
I felt bummed out really bad by it when I came home today and was very tearful. It's probably partially because of the fact that I am PMSing but it still doesn't make it any less uncomfortable. So, I am trying to forgive others and myself. My mom has a good point, I have been trying very hard to change and I just can't be so hard on myself. I have to remember not to be so hard on myself while keeping on trying. Don't excuse bad behavior but at the same time don't be too hard on myself.
Then I found out that my friend is soon about to be broken up with by my brother and that was very emotional for me, as well. I know that she see's him as 'the one' for her and that he is still suffering from his last break up and then has to initiate another one; so I was in tears about that as well. I can only think of how it felt to be in her place, even if it can be sort of naive to expect to stay with someone forever, I can understand. It's a good thing to be able to have a pure hearted approach about things, though. She does care so deeply about people and she cares very deeply about him. The bad thing about expecting how things should turn out as in the 'fate' of things is when they don't turn out that way you get this feeling of being betrayed by life itself. But we have to realize that we don't have the manuscript of our entire life and if we did understand it that well then what would we even have to learn from it and why would we be living it? Everything about life is a chance and a lesson to be learned, I know that I still even must understand that better. She does see the good in him but she must also realize that the choice is entirely up to him. Trust someone but realize that they DO have pains they have to fight and battles with fear they have to fight and sometimes that may and will come out in the way they do things. Even if it were a mistake, it comes out. You never know if it's going to come out as in them leaving you or whatever else. You just enjoy the time you have with them, love every moment and then when they go, try your best to let go of the hurt because you DO feel hurt sometimes when you lose something special to you. And then hopefully you can hold that sense of eternal love that you know no matter what you will always love them whether they are your mom or your girlfriend or a total stranger, now. You will always love them and believe in them. That is one of the biggest testament of true love. Being able to love someone no matter what type of relationship you have with them, whether it be physical in the sense that they are around and near you or away and no speaking to you. Love them. I hope that she can find that peaceful place within her own heart but a part of me was so scared for her because of the fact that I remembered how I took it. When 'the one' is leaving you, it kinda feels like all your dreams and meaning is leaving as well. Guys probably wouldn't relate to that as more unless they are the more romantic type but the bad thing about believing that having a lover in your life will fix everything and that will be when the fantasy begins and when that happens it will be like your knight in shining armor here to save the day and change everything for you; it makes EVERYTHING depend on that one person to be something that is literally impossible to be. No one can seriously save someone to such degrees and turn all their life around unless they had supernatural abilities and being True. I believe that desire roots from the desire for our connection with our higher power. Because that IS the magical moment when life begins to change and he OR she, whoever your higher power represents to you does turn things around and show up like a knight in shining armor. That person is directly connected with your dreams and the love of your love. Because when they are the love of your life, so is everyone else and yourself. No one gets left out, everyone gets loved. Everyone, suddenly is the most important person of your life. Whether it be shown by you given them a smile on the street when you just want to cry or spending hours helping your mother with chores at the house. However you express your love to someone is not right or wrong but it is important. I just hope that she will be able to withstand the tsunami of emotions that will surely hit her and realize that she is loved beyond her wildest imaginations and that we will be there for her when she needs it. As for my brother, I only hope that he won't completely close up after this and that he will be okay. It HAS to be hard breaking up with someone after a recent break up and his heart being in a place of pain. I really hope that he will learn from his heart, though so that he can be an even more rounded person. I love my brother with everything I have and I hope so much that he will never forget this love or to be able to feel it. I hope he has strength.
I remember being told, "Soon, you'll learn who you really are." And I keep telling myself that because sometimes it's hard to remember if I am doing the right thing or not. I begin to wonder if  I am the one being naive. I'll hear from brother say things like, "Well, I just didn't trust either side." "What I have seen means to much to me then to make my happiness far too important." "I dealt with the pain." And then I start thinking to myself that maybe it's not the best choice. But I feel the feeling it gives me and I start to just feel, "I just want to be happy." And I remember what it is like to just feel so dreary and so fearful that I will have to stay like this that I just want to be happy. At first, it made me think that I was a coward since my brother didn't change when he must have felt that way himself. That unbearable weight on your chest and the hopeless feeling for your future. But then I saw it for what it was. When I feel like that, that is because I begin to remember that following down this path leads to sadness...and then nothing. Nothing at all. Everything falls apart and then we are left feeling like Mr. and Mrs. Nobodies. And I just want to be happy because I DON'T want to live in fear or to become something like that. Just the thought of it is unbearable for me and I should give myself more credit. I don't want to do it because it goes against everything that I truly am. And who I truly am does understand things and see's things for what they are. She see's that one, it's just not right for me and that is not being a coward that is being honest with myself. But even if I was, per say, a 'coward' in some people's term, why do we hold ourselves to such standards when we really make mistakes all the time? Sometimes I will be frightened, sometimes I will slip up. But I want to change and to try and do my best, which is what really matters. I always feel childish when it comes to my happiness but I am beginning to realize the importance of the heart and that it really can lead you to where you really need to go. There is nothing wrong with wanting happiness, TRUE happiness. It makes you happy for a reason. Because there is beauty and meaning to it. There is Love. Happiness is part of love. While we shouldn't run from the fact that we have our own darker sides within us, it also doesn't mean we just give up on happiness. I used to want to find a middle ground so I would think it my mind. Well, thinking may not end terribly but they probably won't end wonderfully, either. There can't be any way that everyone can end up happy and feeling loved. But why not? Why can't we? Why can't there truly be MORE to this and we can all unfold as people. I just want to believe that there is more to life then that nothing feeling. I don't think all of our problems will disappear but we will find a true meaning within all of our own hearts and we will be True to Love and Happiness.
I need to learn to trust myself, truly trust who I really am. And remember that I want to love my brother more then anything but not to always think that his words automatically makes mine void. Because the truth is, I do want love and happiness that see's things for what they really are but that does not mean losing happiness or love.
~Eli