Who I really am.

So I'm sitting here, rather conflicted. Haha! I say this lightly, I'm trying to look at this with an objective mind. Last year, something extraordinary happened and yet I don't want to claim it and throw it into a box with a lid. I have had the desire to grasp onto it as "my experience" and tell the whole world about it but that just hasn't resonated with me. There are many who have spoken of similar experiences...Which doesn't mean mine couldn't make a difference but I guess it's sacred to me and in some ways I'm selfish and scared to share it with others. Especially since the idea of doing that doesn't really resonate. It kind of feels like exploiting something really beautiful. I don't mind talking about it on here and I don't go into too much detail about it.
But I think about how some of the things people talk about are exactly what I experienced and it was stuff I'd never before imagined in my life. It sometimes frightens me because there are times I want to forget it ever happened. Things weren't perfect for me but I felt like I was in control of my life before last year came along. I hadn't come to terms with so many of the things that were destructive to myself. I had, for the most part, blocked out the guilt I felt. I was living selfishly. Self gratifying myself. I liked that life, it was comfortable and I felt invincible. I had built a foundation for myself and last year it was all but dismantled. At the same time, I don't want to run from what I experienced. Yet, if I do not...my spiritual journey will be more than "fun" and "fascination"...It went beyond that. There wasn't much humor then...There wasn't much room for fun. I, all but sacrificed my need for enjoyment. And yet I chose to reground...knowing I could fall completely back into my old ways. All of these things that are spoken of...I saw...I understood. But I feel like if I get too caught up in the experience aka form then I will lose the message aka content. Content trumps form. It's my choice to listen to the silent guidance of who I really am or not. And when I cannot hear the ushering of angels or other voices...it's easy to get lost. Or as my minister puts it...to go back to sleep. But that's part of the process, I guess. I fear losing what I experienced and yet if it is the truth of existence there is nothing lost. It is there, forever. For that is what True is. What is important is for me to listen to this heart of mine. It tells me not to feel panicked. So I will go outside and tend to the yard...I will work today. Thank-you Goddess and God...Thank-you Who I really Am.
Nemaste
-Elizabeth

Gandalf Wisdom

I am currently reading this book that is "pushing one of my buttons." Instead of looking too much at form I am looking instead to the content of the message this button is revealing to me.
Reading about this character who has a heart of gold and yet is treating with so much cruelty. It reminds me so much of my own experiences with friends and loved one's. This character usually see's himself as what he is told he is but who can blame him after all the sick things he goes through when others do not? And yet all he wishes for is love and respect. In the book he wishes that someone, anyone would give this to him.
A familiar feeling washes over me - I imagine myself in the book, giving him comfort and love. I imagine standing defiantly by his side and pushing away the world that hurts him so. This is something I had wanted to do for one of my close friends and other's. I would watch the sweetest people get hurt so badly and treated so terribly. They usually would begin to believe the lies even if they didn't want to and again, I couldn't blame them. I would want to be there for them through anything and always show them that I cared. In a way, I also questioned the world asking, "Why would you let this happen to her? Or anyone, for that matter?" There was no way karma could be so cruel or that this soul did anything to ever deserve such a thing. In fact, I couldn't imagine a soul that could ever deserve it. So I was going to show her that I was different. That I would treat her with love and respect. But no matter what I did...there were moments when I was part of the world that didn't love her. It happened with each of the one's I was close to when I would take that stance with them.
I remember watching phantom of the opera and having a similar feeling for the phantom. No one ever loved or respected him but I would. I didn't like Christine for the reason that she abandoned him and said he was monster. But the truth was telling him that his face was not the reason she walked away but that he had become a monster was because it was true. It didn't make it okay the way he had been treated but it goes both ways. Hurting others for vindication of being hurt is like being racist because someone was racist to you. You are continuing the circle of hate. And whether someone deserves it or not doesn't matter. What matters is freedom from the cycle.

They didn't need my pity, they needed my love. They didn't need my sympathy, they needed my belief and compassion.
When I was going through a very testing period last year, my friends and family didn't pity me or say, "Oh, why has this happened to you? Poor you." They encouraged me and believed in me. They didn't look down on me or seem me as a victim they saw me for who I really way. The Elizabeth they believed in. They didn't lose sight of her.
Instead of letting me get away with not doing anything around the house they insisted I do my chores and do the things I needed to but they were also patient and kind.
I learned a lot from that experience. At the end of the day, I had to believe I was worthy of my own love and no one could ever convince me one way or the other if I wasn't willing to believe it.
Who knows why certain things happen the way they do. I'm unwilling to say whether a person deserves it or not because from experiencing and seeing cruelty I could never wish it on someone else with my heart. But I do know that if I start to question myself and others too much, then I'll never have the courage to live my life to its fullest. Why things happen are a mystery to me, at times I see glimpses but I don't know the grander scheme of things. Either way, what I find to be important is what I believe in. I fall, I stutter and I doubt. But I know that there is something worth living for. That there is more to life than despair and even moments of happiness. I know that there is great love here for me and for all. In knowing that, I can only try to love the best that I can and believe in that love for myself and for others.  

I just come back to this one quote from LOTR with Gandalf & Frodo in Moria-

Frodo: "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!"

Gandalf: "Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo?
Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise can not see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or evil before this is over.
The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."

Frodo: "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."

Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."

Empowered

"The power is in the people." This isn't just a nice sentiment but so very true. It's so easy to get lost in whose fault is whose and yet we forget that we can only look in the mirror and see why the world is the way it is. Those who stand in power could not stand in power without the support of "the people". The people being all the other billions of people who aren't in "power". 

Nothing can ever sustain itself without the support of "the people". When we work together amazing things happen and they can happen instantaneously, even when all hope seems lost. If you wonder why things are the way they are then examine your own life and how you are participating in the way things are.

"We are the fuse and ammunition." We truly are not as insignificant as we would think. But many of us to some degree feel powerless. This is so far from the truth. Look back in history! Normal people like you and I made huge differences just by taking a stand and when people came to support them then the world was changed. Sometimes in a helpful way and sometimes in a destructive way. 

Whether you like everyone or not, you live on this planet with them and when we don't work together everyone suffers as a whole. Meaning - the destruction you create for others will come back around to you. Because we are all in this together on this place called Earth. The things we do today WILL affect generations to come. This may seem cliche', it may not so important to you or the thought might just frighten you. All of these reactions might make you want to ignore that thought and go back to a life of comfort. 

But is a comforting life really what you were born for? Do you really believe you were so insignificant that you have no say and you have not ability to make a change? Of course you do. Simply by existing the power within is a part of you. 

I ask you, do not be powerless just because you think you have to. YOU have free will. Do not fear because you are not alone. There are so, so many working to help this world and many more wishing they could but feeling powerless. I understand this feeling - I grew up with a fairly easy life...Things were boring to me...I was alive but I wasn't 'awake'. I slip back into this feeling a lot of times. 

I ask you to realize that your actions will decide how the world will be in the future and doing nothing, choosing to turn a blind eye is still a choice. Don't let that be your choice just because you'd rather not think about it. Only let that be your choice once you've seen it for what it is. Live true to yourself. Stand up for what you believe in, no matter what that is. It's much better to do this than to not care at all. Care about something. Stand for something or you'll fall for anything. 

Rise to Womanhood

Within each and everyone of us is magic. It's something we feel and know as a child but usually forget the older we get. We don't find the magic in the world...we forget it's within us. But this magic does live and breathe. First we have to wake up. Once we wake up again we're usually still children. In my case, I was the princess who'd been sleeping for years but once I'd awoken I was still this Princess. It's easy to want to hide once I saw what I was up against...So much had changed once I'd woken back up. Life wasn't seen from the eyes of a child, anymore. I had more experiences and more of an overall whisper, "It's dangerous here." I'd become a monstrously strong protector in the process. Adapting with masculine energy and using very little feminine. All the while desperately hiding the child...the princess within me. I couldn't explain it besides that I needed to be ready before throwing my precious heart to the wolves. So, yes, I built a wall around my heart. The problem with that is that I cut my heart off from God. Suddenly, the lights were out and I couldn't see anymore. I was alone with no way of knowing what was happening. Soon I forgot God...I forgot love...I forgot myself. I was this mask...I was this "man in the mirror." I'd become completely unbalanced and I didn't know what to do. Then the princess woke back up and there was light. I saw myself for what I was and it scared the shit out of me. Until I saw it through the eyes of my innocence and realized all it was, was the pain and the fear I'd experienced while the child in me slept.
I remember for so long that I've guarded this princess in fear that this was only a "childlike" aspect of myself. But I've seen that this part of me can be the most mature and the most genuine...unafraid and understanding. There is innocence but there is not ignorance. This is the light within me, it see's all that hides in darkness because light unveils all. It's a loving, forgiving, nurturing gaze.
In this, I've realized now that I've been waiting for the princess within me to rise to be queen. Because she is the only one who can. She is ready and I know the Goddess within us all is ready. Because just like me, the world desperately needs love, nurturing and healing. We are all equal and yet this is not believed. I am ready to stand true to who I truly am and be the Woman that I know I am.
"I found god in myself. And I loved her. I loved her fiercely." -Ntozake Shange
-Elizabeth