Who I really am.

So I'm sitting here, rather conflicted. Haha! I say this lightly, I'm trying to look at this with an objective mind. Last year, something extraordinary happened and yet I don't want to claim it and throw it into a box with a lid. I have had the desire to grasp onto it as "my experience" and tell the whole world about it but that just hasn't resonated with me. There are many who have spoken of similar experiences...Which doesn't mean mine couldn't make a difference but I guess it's sacred to me and in some ways I'm selfish and scared to share it with others. Especially since the idea of doing that doesn't really resonate. It kind of feels like exploiting something really beautiful. I don't mind talking about it on here and I don't go into too much detail about it.
But I think about how some of the things people talk about are exactly what I experienced and it was stuff I'd never before imagined in my life. It sometimes frightens me because there are times I want to forget it ever happened. Things weren't perfect for me but I felt like I was in control of my life before last year came along. I hadn't come to terms with so many of the things that were destructive to myself. I had, for the most part, blocked out the guilt I felt. I was living selfishly. Self gratifying myself. I liked that life, it was comfortable and I felt invincible. I had built a foundation for myself and last year it was all but dismantled. At the same time, I don't want to run from what I experienced. Yet, if I do not...my spiritual journey will be more than "fun" and "fascination"...It went beyond that. There wasn't much humor then...There wasn't much room for fun. I, all but sacrificed my need for enjoyment. And yet I chose to reground...knowing I could fall completely back into my old ways. All of these things that are spoken of...I saw...I understood. But I feel like if I get too caught up in the experience aka form then I will lose the message aka content. Content trumps form. It's my choice to listen to the silent guidance of who I really am or not. And when I cannot hear the ushering of angels or other voices...it's easy to get lost. Or as my minister puts it...to go back to sleep. But that's part of the process, I guess. I fear losing what I experienced and yet if it is the truth of existence there is nothing lost. It is there, forever. For that is what True is. What is important is for me to listen to this heart of mine. It tells me not to feel panicked. So I will go outside and tend to the yard...I will work today. Thank-you Goddess and God...Thank-you Who I really Am.
Nemaste
-Elizabeth