I am currently reading this book that is "pushing one of my buttons." Instead of looking too much at form I am looking instead to the content of the message this button is revealing to me.
Reading about this character who has a heart of gold and yet is treating with so much cruelty. It reminds me so much of my own experiences with friends and loved one's. This character usually see's himself as what he is told he is but who can blame him after all the sick things he goes through when others do not? And yet all he wishes for is love and respect. In the book he wishes that someone, anyone would give this to him.
A familiar feeling washes over me - I imagine myself in the book, giving him comfort and love. I imagine standing defiantly by his side and pushing away the world that hurts him so. This is something I had wanted to do for one of my close friends and other's. I would watch the sweetest people get hurt so badly and treated so terribly. They usually would begin to believe the lies even if they didn't want to and again, I couldn't blame them. I would want to be there for them through anything and always show them that I cared. In a way, I also questioned the world asking, "Why would you let this happen to her? Or anyone, for that matter?" There was no way karma could be so cruel or that this soul did anything to ever deserve such a thing. In fact, I couldn't imagine a soul that could ever deserve it. So I was going to show her that I was different. That I would treat her with love and respect. But no matter what I did...there were moments when I was part of the world that didn't love her. It happened with each of the one's I was close to when I would take that stance with them.
I remember watching phantom of the opera and having a similar feeling for the phantom. No one ever loved or respected him but I would. I didn't like Christine for the reason that she abandoned him and said he was monster. But the truth was telling him that his face was not the reason she walked away but that he had become a monster was because it was true. It didn't make it okay the way he had been treated but it goes both ways. Hurting others for vindication of being hurt is like being racist because someone was racist to you. You are continuing the circle of hate. And whether someone deserves it or not doesn't matter. What matters is freedom from the cycle.
They didn't need my pity, they needed my love. They didn't need my sympathy, they needed my belief and compassion.
When I was going through a very testing period last year, my friends and family didn't pity me or say, "Oh, why has this happened to you? Poor you." They encouraged me and believed in me. They didn't look down on me or seem me as a victim they saw me for who I really way. The Elizabeth they believed in. They didn't lose sight of her.
Instead of letting me get away with not doing anything around the house they insisted I do my chores and do the things I needed to but they were also patient and kind.
I learned a lot from that experience. At the end of the day, I had to believe I was worthy of my own love and no one could ever convince me one way or the other if I wasn't willing to believe it.
Who knows why certain things happen the way they do. I'm unwilling to say whether a person deserves it or not because from experiencing and seeing cruelty I could never wish it on someone else with my heart. But I do know that if I start to question myself and others too much, then I'll never have the courage to live my life to its fullest. Why things happen are a mystery to me, at times I see glimpses but I don't know the grander scheme of things. Either way, what I find to be important is what I believe in. I fall, I stutter and I doubt. But I know that there is something worth living for. That there is more to life than despair and even moments of happiness. I know that there is great love here for me and for all. In knowing that, I can only try to love the best that I can and believe in that love for myself and for others.
I just come back to this one quote from LOTR with Gandalf & Frodo in Moria-
Frodo: "It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance!"
Gandalf: "Pity? It was pity that stayed Bilbo's hand. Many that live deserve death, and some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them, Frodo?
Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise can not see all ends. My heart tells me that Gollum has some part to play yet, for good or evil before this is over.
The pity of Bilbo may rule the fate of many."
Frodo: "I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened."
Gandalf: "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you also were meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."
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