So, I have been watching myself especially this week as Easter approaches. Easter has become much more special to me now after last year. I relate to it. I've noticed parts of me that want to be creative, follow my child-like heart and have fun. "Why not? Life is my creation so why not make it rock and love every moment of it?" But the problem is sometimes I get too hooked up on feeling good rather than being honest with myself. Then there is a part of me that wants to explore all of the unexplored parts of life. I am absolutely enchanted by it and feel so very connected with it. But at times I get lost in the grandeur and become obsessive or delusional. My head is way up in the clouds, pretty much. Then there is a part of me that wants to face who I really am. No matter how painful it may be or how grim in may make me feel about my life. I want to know myself, know my life. To truly know it. Not to just blindly live it. But the problem with that is at times I will push myself so very far and I try to go into the darkness without bring a light with me. Which means I get lost in the darkness and despair overwhelms me. My fears become too loud and it becomes absolutely tormenting. Yet I don't want to stop listening because I wonder if that is the truth. And if I'm just not strong enough to bear that I am a fearful creature by nature. Yet there is also a part of me that just wants to sit with my fears and my hopes and feelings about all. To just let it all be. Let it flow through me like a river. To simply accept this moment for all that it is and with love. Because love is what matters most to me. And the truth is love will follow me anywhere I go.
Find the meaning in things...don't focus too much on the form. I've found myself having it hard to swallow new ideas. I'm either steadfast in what I know or I feel I don't know anything at all. My parents hated this with me when growing up. One moment I would be arguing them blue about how I was right and then finally I'd give in to being wrong except I would just go on and on about how I was such a horrible person because I didn't do something right. And considering I've heard my voice saying, "Just let me suffer. I can't figure any of this out anyway. I'd rather suffer this pain then have to get my hopes up about being right and enjoying my life." It drove me miserable growing up, as well. I knew people probably thought I was a brat and I knew I was out of control. The problem was I didn't know how to gain control. Like right now, I have to just pull the reigns on being too honest with myself because I'm getting that whole woe is me attitude and to where I do not want to swallow any new ideas or make myself feel all uncomfortable. I have to stay steadfast in what I know right now. I am beginning to see that there is simply a part of me that needs or desperately wants that security. Whether I even be right or wrong. And I'm even willing to be miserable if I know it's something I can stick to. Changing my core all the time is maddening to me. I am beginning to listen more to this part of myself that just wants a break from all the hardcore stuff. But the break won't last long. It seems sometimes that I am at odds with myself. But I think I just don't understand. For now I will live the best I can even without understanding me or what it means to be me. I'll eat that elephant one bite at a time. And try to remind myself that I love myself whenever the going gets really tough in my heart and mind.
Thanks
-Elizabeth
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