Flower Garden

It's strange how just a few words from her feel like Christmas. These feelings are not in my control. She was my slice of peace, of light and happiness in some of my darkest moments. It hurt me in ways I can't explain to think she stopped to believing in me. That was something I'd never expected. I had fears but I didn't have faith in those fears. Yet, I see that something dreams and fears can be very real things.
I hold myself back with the threads of strength that I have. I don't want to push myself on anyone again. I also don't feel I could bear if she were to push me away again. If my words did not reach her again. Or maybe if my heart is unreachable.
I didn't want to let her go. But I am happy to have loved her as deeply as I have and to have had a friend like her. She was/is my sister. Not a friend, she is a sister. Thank-you. Thank-you. I have learned to be ever greatful for even the smallest amount of kindness.
It's scary without her...It can be lonely. Yet, somehow, I feel the grace in the departure.
Death and losing a friend can feel kind of similar, sometimes. You want to talk to them but you know you can't. You want to smile, laugh and love with them but you can't. So instead you send them silent prayers. You send them your heart with silence. You know that even if they can't hear you, they are not totally lost to you. You know that just as there is always a place in your heart for them, it is the same for them. You know there is nothing that can change that because you feel it in yourself...even when the feelings torment you.
There are times, where I absolutely feel I cannot take. There are times where I absolutely feel that I won't stand another second of it. When love becomes such a strength, such a force in you that there is not an ounce of you which can hold back the dam which reaches towards those that you love. So you reach out towards them with those feelings. And you know it is right. You know that it doesn't have to be anything else...
"It's not about forcing happiness, it's about letting sadness win."
I ran from sadness. I ran from it with all my might because if it ever caught up with me it would overtake me. It would crush me underneath it's weight and I'd would be broken open by it. All the walls would crash, the great city would go up into flames. The end. It is the beginning of salvation. The burning is all that is not true. The lies fading in the light. Until there is only me and what I am.
Will the girl ever stop running? Will she ever look into the eyes that cry? Will she ever take her hands from the bars that cage her? The bird, it will fly free. And the heart will sink in it's own mud, so the lotus may grow.