It's strange how just a few words from her feel like Christmas. These feelings are not in my control. She was my slice of peace, of light and happiness in some of my darkest moments. It hurt me in ways I can't explain to think she stopped to believing in me. That was something I'd never expected. I had fears but I didn't have faith in those fears. Yet, I see that something dreams and fears can be very real things.
I hold myself back with the threads of strength that I have. I don't want to push myself on anyone again. I also don't feel I could bear if she were to push me away again. If my words did not reach her again. Or maybe if my heart is unreachable.
I didn't want to let her go. But I am happy to have loved her as deeply as I have and to have had a friend like her. She was/is my sister. Not a friend, she is a sister. Thank-you. Thank-you. I have learned to be ever greatful for even the smallest amount of kindness.
It's scary without her...It can be lonely. Yet, somehow, I feel the grace in the departure.
Death and losing a friend can feel kind of similar, sometimes. You want to talk to them but you know you can't. You want to smile, laugh and love with them but you can't. So instead you send them silent prayers. You send them your heart with silence. You know that even if they can't hear you, they are not totally lost to you. You know that just as there is always a place in your heart for them, it is the same for them. You know there is nothing that can change that because you feel it in yourself...even when the feelings torment you.
There are times, where I absolutely feel I cannot take. There are times where I absolutely feel that I won't stand another second of it. When love becomes such a strength, such a force in you that there is not an ounce of you which can hold back the dam which reaches towards those that you love. So you reach out towards them with those feelings. And you know it is right. You know that it doesn't have to be anything else...
"It's not about forcing happiness, it's about letting sadness win."
I ran from sadness. I ran from it with all my might because if it ever caught up with me it would overtake me. It would crush me underneath it's weight and I'd would be broken open by it. All the walls would crash, the great city would go up into flames. The end. It is the beginning of salvation. The burning is all that is not true. The lies fading in the light. Until there is only me and what I am.
Will the girl ever stop running? Will she ever look into the eyes that cry? Will she ever take her hands from the bars that cage her? The bird, it will fly free. And the heart will sink in it's own mud, so the lotus may grow.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
A message
Okay, so it seems obvious that the universe is trying to convey a message to me. I really started noticing it yesterday. I had been having difficulty with a friend of mine and it made me want to pull back. She'd shared with me and it had left me feeling stung and I just simply didn't want to discuss it with her at all. So I didn't force myself to respond with answers to her questions but I did instead decide to respond with the best honesty I could. The truth was I really didn't know what to say and I asked her not to take that silence as rejection. But I would rather tell her that then pump out a fake answer.
She understood completely and said that she didn't feel a sense of rejection. She was happy that I was honest with her. When I meditated on the issue I got in response, "peace." That she was perfect the way she was and vice-versa. I didn't need to try to make the relationship anything other than what it was. By doing that there would be peace. So I released my need to control the situation and opened up to her as I just said before by telling her I honestly didn't have the words at the moment.
A few days later she tries calling me but I am unable to answer at the time. I find myself putting off calling her back because I still felt uncertain of what to say and I didn't want to pretend like nothing had happened, I also knew that would help. But then a thought popped into my mind of something a dear friend of mine had told me. It's not an exact quote but she told me that it is so important to talk things out with those you love because the more things you keep hidden from one another, the farther the two of you will be.
I was reading a wonderful book and it said that ironically those who stick around to fight with you [non physically or abusively] are the one's who really love you. Because they are willing to find mutual healing with you. When I read that I put down my book and without a second thought I called Skye. She was my friend, no matter how scary it was I wanted to work it out with her. So I called her and something she said to me also caught my attention. It was off topic from anything I've been discussing here but she had told me that she had decided to go ahead and take action about something rather than sitting around and not doing it. She said that she'd rather regret something after the action then spend her whole life regretting something she'd never done. It reminded me of something dad and I talked about. It's not exactly the same but someone who rarely takes action rarely gets the chance to live. Of course anything can be taken to extremes but all of us will make mistakes. The fastest way to learn to swim is just to get into the water and start tredding.
Anyway, so now I am watching this show and the main character is asking one of her guy friends this, "Would suppressing your emotions and not expressing them for the sake of someone you like...be doing the right thing?" And this was the guys response, "Right thing, my foot!" xP "What's that? That's the same thing as ignoring them." -"If the world comes into pieces tomorrow then you'd probably die first of regret. It's better to regret after you act, instead of regretting after you don't do anything. That's my philosophy."
It's funny because the two ideas are linking together. First suppressing your emotions or not expressing them for someone you care about and then regretting action not taken. Which when Skye was talking about it, it had nothing to do with that. It makes me feel like the universe is trying to get my attention about something. When I hear something repeated by different sources I start to listen because it seems that something is trying to get my attention.
I still don't know how I feel about all of it and I've learned now that if I don't fully understand then I'm not supposed to yet. Instead of trying to figure it out with my mind all at once. Because I'll usually grab a hold of something logically but it usually gets in the way of the real lesson. Now I am learning to be open and receptive with not just my mind but all of me.
Thank-you universe for the message, I will continue to listen.
Elizabeth
She understood completely and said that she didn't feel a sense of rejection. She was happy that I was honest with her. When I meditated on the issue I got in response, "peace." That she was perfect the way she was and vice-versa. I didn't need to try to make the relationship anything other than what it was. By doing that there would be peace. So I released my need to control the situation and opened up to her as I just said before by telling her I honestly didn't have the words at the moment.
A few days later she tries calling me but I am unable to answer at the time. I find myself putting off calling her back because I still felt uncertain of what to say and I didn't want to pretend like nothing had happened, I also knew that would help. But then a thought popped into my mind of something a dear friend of mine had told me. It's not an exact quote but she told me that it is so important to talk things out with those you love because the more things you keep hidden from one another, the farther the two of you will be.
I was reading a wonderful book and it said that ironically those who stick around to fight with you [non physically or abusively] are the one's who really love you. Because they are willing to find mutual healing with you. When I read that I put down my book and without a second thought I called Skye. She was my friend, no matter how scary it was I wanted to work it out with her. So I called her and something she said to me also caught my attention. It was off topic from anything I've been discussing here but she had told me that she had decided to go ahead and take action about something rather than sitting around and not doing it. She said that she'd rather regret something after the action then spend her whole life regretting something she'd never done. It reminded me of something dad and I talked about. It's not exactly the same but someone who rarely takes action rarely gets the chance to live. Of course anything can be taken to extremes but all of us will make mistakes. The fastest way to learn to swim is just to get into the water and start tredding.
Anyway, so now I am watching this show and the main character is asking one of her guy friends this, "Would suppressing your emotions and not expressing them for the sake of someone you like...be doing the right thing?" And this was the guys response, "Right thing, my foot!" xP "What's that? That's the same thing as ignoring them." -"If the world comes into pieces tomorrow then you'd probably die first of regret. It's better to regret after you act, instead of regretting after you don't do anything. That's my philosophy."
It's funny because the two ideas are linking together. First suppressing your emotions or not expressing them for someone you care about and then regretting action not taken. Which when Skye was talking about it, it had nothing to do with that. It makes me feel like the universe is trying to get my attention about something. When I hear something repeated by different sources I start to listen because it seems that something is trying to get my attention.
I still don't know how I feel about all of it and I've learned now that if I don't fully understand then I'm not supposed to yet. Instead of trying to figure it out with my mind all at once. Because I'll usually grab a hold of something logically but it usually gets in the way of the real lesson. Now I am learning to be open and receptive with not just my mind but all of me.
Thank-you universe for the message, I will continue to listen.
Elizabeth
Thursday, April 5, 2012
When the going gets tough
So, I have been watching myself especially this week as Easter approaches. Easter has become much more special to me now after last year. I relate to it. I've noticed parts of me that want to be creative, follow my child-like heart and have fun. "Why not? Life is my creation so why not make it rock and love every moment of it?" But the problem is sometimes I get too hooked up on feeling good rather than being honest with myself. Then there is a part of me that wants to explore all of the unexplored parts of life. I am absolutely enchanted by it and feel so very connected with it. But at times I get lost in the grandeur and become obsessive or delusional. My head is way up in the clouds, pretty much. Then there is a part of me that wants to face who I really am. No matter how painful it may be or how grim in may make me feel about my life. I want to know myself, know my life. To truly know it. Not to just blindly live it. But the problem with that is at times I will push myself so very far and I try to go into the darkness without bring a light with me. Which means I get lost in the darkness and despair overwhelms me. My fears become too loud and it becomes absolutely tormenting. Yet I don't want to stop listening because I wonder if that is the truth. And if I'm just not strong enough to bear that I am a fearful creature by nature. Yet there is also a part of me that just wants to sit with my fears and my hopes and feelings about all. To just let it all be. Let it flow through me like a river. To simply accept this moment for all that it is and with love. Because love is what matters most to me. And the truth is love will follow me anywhere I go.
Find the meaning in things...don't focus too much on the form. I've found myself having it hard to swallow new ideas. I'm either steadfast in what I know or I feel I don't know anything at all. My parents hated this with me when growing up. One moment I would be arguing them blue about how I was right and then finally I'd give in to being wrong except I would just go on and on about how I was such a horrible person because I didn't do something right. And considering I've heard my voice saying, "Just let me suffer. I can't figure any of this out anyway. I'd rather suffer this pain then have to get my hopes up about being right and enjoying my life." It drove me miserable growing up, as well. I knew people probably thought I was a brat and I knew I was out of control. The problem was I didn't know how to gain control. Like right now, I have to just pull the reigns on being too honest with myself because I'm getting that whole woe is me attitude and to where I do not want to swallow any new ideas or make myself feel all uncomfortable. I have to stay steadfast in what I know right now. I am beginning to see that there is simply a part of me that needs or desperately wants that security. Whether I even be right or wrong. And I'm even willing to be miserable if I know it's something I can stick to. Changing my core all the time is maddening to me. I am beginning to listen more to this part of myself that just wants a break from all the hardcore stuff. But the break won't last long. It seems sometimes that I am at odds with myself. But I think I just don't understand. For now I will live the best I can even without understanding me or what it means to be me. I'll eat that elephant one bite at a time. And try to remind myself that I love myself whenever the going gets really tough in my heart and mind.
Thanks
-Elizabeth
Find the meaning in things...don't focus too much on the form. I've found myself having it hard to swallow new ideas. I'm either steadfast in what I know or I feel I don't know anything at all. My parents hated this with me when growing up. One moment I would be arguing them blue about how I was right and then finally I'd give in to being wrong except I would just go on and on about how I was such a horrible person because I didn't do something right. And considering I've heard my voice saying, "Just let me suffer. I can't figure any of this out anyway. I'd rather suffer this pain then have to get my hopes up about being right and enjoying my life." It drove me miserable growing up, as well. I knew people probably thought I was a brat and I knew I was out of control. The problem was I didn't know how to gain control. Like right now, I have to just pull the reigns on being too honest with myself because I'm getting that whole woe is me attitude and to where I do not want to swallow any new ideas or make myself feel all uncomfortable. I have to stay steadfast in what I know right now. I am beginning to see that there is simply a part of me that needs or desperately wants that security. Whether I even be right or wrong. And I'm even willing to be miserable if I know it's something I can stick to. Changing my core all the time is maddening to me. I am beginning to listen more to this part of myself that just wants a break from all the hardcore stuff. But the break won't last long. It seems sometimes that I am at odds with myself. But I think I just don't understand. For now I will live the best I can even without understanding me or what it means to be me. I'll eat that elephant one bite at a time. And try to remind myself that I love myself whenever the going gets really tough in my heart and mind.
Thanks
-Elizabeth
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