That's Why

Okay, so I know that I had some illusions when it came to my relationship with Kirene and sure, there is probably a lot about it that I don't understand.
But I do know my own heart and what he meant to me. I know that so much joy came from him. I think when it comes to my feelings for my friend...I like the aspects of him that remind me of Kirene.
Kirene was a protector, he was compassionate and kind but he was also very much of a man. He was the one person I did honestly want to marry one day. I had never really felt that way with anyone. It was always a "meh" feeling. But I felt happy, overjoyed when I thought of marrying him.
I don't want to be with someone who reminds me of him. I would just want to be with him. I would always be wanting that person to be him. I think that part of my life is over...When I walked away from him, I walked away from that life. The truth is...He had my heart. I hear you can love others and I think this is true but I don't think I can ever love others in that way again. Is it possible? Sure. Yet, I would always think of him...I had wondered if I'd be able to love that way still once walking away from him...I thought that I probably wouldn't. The thing is - if there was "the one". He was it. Yes, I believe truly God/dess is the THE ONE. But he was that one person that I loved in such a special way that I don't know if I could ever try to trade that out with someone else. It's like that part of myself is just out of business...Like he held that part of my heart and when I walked away from him...I walked away from that part of my heart.
Does it bother me? Yes, it does. It used to be one of the most important things to me in this life. Finding that love, finding him. But then I relied on him and my feelings were uncertain. I couldn't do that to us and I couldn't live this life relying on someone else for my own happiness. The truth is, I did sacrifice something great. And it wasn't just him but a part of myself. It was a choice I made for us both. I didn't want to let him go...I wanted to talk to him - anything...But I chose to let him go. I chose to be alone in that way. It was the scarier path, one without the comfort of his existence with me. Oh, I don't know. I just know I gave up something sacred because I was feeling in my heart that it was for the best. It took a lot of bravery on my part because that man...oh, how I didn't want to let go. I wanted to share that love with the world...I want others to know what it is like to love in this way. The only thing that has ever been similar is the love I share with my higher power. And then I see that love drips in through the cracks of our hearts with every relationship. I couldn't be selfish...I wanted to be. I wanted to keep him all to myself...But how could I?
Now, he is the light in my heart...Now he is the smile on my lips and laughter from my belly. That's how he lives on...through me. It isn't about us being together, anymore, in a completely selfish way. I want us to spread across the cosmos...this love...everyone should know. So I sacrificed what I had and made way for who I could be. I'm not looking for that sort of love, anymore. I'm not looking for comfortable happiness, either.
I want to explore who I am. I want to grow and growth will come when I am open to new things and new people. I am wanting to find someone else who is looking to grow. It's not about comfort, either. It's not about settling down or finding someone to spend the rest of existence with. I won't rule that out if it comes but that's not what it's about. It'll be about growth. I want to meet someone that I can grow with...Someone who also has a flower garden in their heart that they want to water. Let us nourish one another, as lovers.
Do I miss the old relationship paradigm I had? Of course! That sort of love was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. My had is still taken when it comes to that kind of relationship. Again, his love has morphed into a glimpse of my love for the divine because our love is spread across the cosmos. I am not ready to me intimate in that way.
I want to be free and I when I connect with someone I want it to be about mutual growth and love for one another. But that we will always let each other be free. Because my focus, I want it to be on my higher power. Which is what Kirene helped lead me back to.
My subconscious asked me, "Why?" Why did I walk away? Why did I change course? This is what I had always wanted and then it changed...
He's just where it all began. It's because with him I found eternity. It's because when I looked into his eyes I saw my own...It's because I realized that truly...we were all the universe. There was nothing stopping our love and nowhere it do not go....Because I realized, I am never not loving him or loving myself. It is always...our greatest love story....For as I love my family...as I love my animal friends...as I reach out to a stranger. And as I kiss my own reflection, I am loving us. We are one.
That's why.