The Future is a Blank Canvas -Teal Scott

You know how sometimes you get stuck in this loop, this endless pattern where something you don't like - keeps on showing up in your experience? And years of it happening turn into more years, by this point...You think it's just "how things are." It's happened so much for so long, it feels like it's part of...who you are. So, you think to yourself; "if this is something I can't escape then I've gotta' learn how to deal with it." You start learning how to deal with things that you don't like. "That's just the way things are." And being an adult is learning to deal with it.
I felt pretty brave, I felt pretty strong. I would find a way to deal with it. Then, I went through an intense spiritual experience that burst my bubble. Things changed that had become ingrained as a part of who I was. I experienced that whatever my focus was, was literally the reality I was choosing for myself. "I'm not sure I can make it..." Immediately I would KNOW I wasn't going to make it, voices would affirm and I would feel my energy dropping - I could intuitively feel the universe responding in tandem and creating that world for me.
"I know that I can make it." My whole being would light up with a knowing that I would make it,  voices affirming me and the whole universe creating the reality for me.

No one, who was there then, would've thought I would have made it out. But I came back, fully functioning and SHINING. I realized that the future is a blank canvas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqSlinFtPQY

Sometimes to Heal...

Sometimes, the first step in healing is saying that you don't want what has happened to have happened. That you don't want to accept it, or accept it happening to you. Sometimes, realizing what I don't want to accept helps bring about change. As a warrior type, I have been prone to "deal with it". Deal with the pain, deal with the anger, the resentment...I can handle it, mentality. But, what I am saying is that sometimes the first step to healing is admitting what you don't want to handle. This shows you your boundaries, it shows you your authentic feelings.
I awoke today, fearful about my brother. I got the feeling of, "Why do I have to be okay with him leaving me? Why do I have to just pick up and go on when someone has put into the Universe that it's okay to turn their back on me...To walk away." I realized that I had a pattern of feeling like someone has been "breaking up" with me my entire life. It was always me trying to hold the pieces together, it was always me who was left behind...alone, not cared about and having to fend for myself. This is the story repeating itself for me. I, of course, am still here so I survived every time that happened to me but my old method was finding a way to tell myself that it was okay...It was okay that they walked away...Even going so far as to understand where they were coming from. It wasn't that way in the beginning. In the beginning I threw fits...It was the end of the world and I would blaze with anger. I would create drama. When I saw how that didn't change anything and it only hurt the one's I loved...and myself, I stopped. It then changed to me trying to understand the bigger picture, to be strong, to be okay with it.
Now, I have realized that, that hurts me and it also doesn't allow there to be a catalyst for change. Sometimes, you NEED to say, "I'm not okay with this." So you can stop allowing yourself to be in an unhealthy situation or relationships. It's healthy to have boundaries and to say no.
I prayed and I feel the potential of our relationship and the potential of healing for all involved. I can feel on the energetic level that things have shifted and Source hears my heart. I release old patterns and "curses" which hold us back...I want to step into the light. I want true healing for my family. For my own heart. And I said, "I don't want this to be reality." Then it was interjected by my mom, "Something even better than before." Yes...Something even better than before, no matter how that may unfold...But I imagine we'll both heal and come together, again. The fear lessened...Because, I know, "Ask and you shall receive". The healing is here, now. I'm glad that I no longer want to accept or unconsciously choose for myself, a reality where I feel rejected, abandoned, and unloved. It's not true...It's actually awe-inducing how untrue that really is. There's always been someone there, every step of the way. No one walks the path for me, but I know my friends and family will be there with a helping hand if ever I need it. I know my God/dess will be there, always, smiling...supporting...loving. I know I AM there, for me. :) I know I am loved, accepted and worthy. I would like to start consciously creating that as a reality for myself.

Guide Inside

Hello, friends! So, it's been some time since I've last made a post here... I want to begin by talking about something that is on my mind and heart, right now. I sometimes think about if I ever have a daughter...the things that I would say to her. Or what I'd like to say to the young girls growing up. When it comes to romance, don't be afraid to completely reshape the rules. I think the most important thing that you will ever have to comes to terms with is respect for yourself. And before that, you have to know what "yourself" looks like to know how to respect and love that girl you see in the mirror. People will lift you up, fill your heart up like never ending sunlight...People will knock you down, heart breaking in your hands. God, there's so much I want to share with you...How a girl like me found a smile that no one can erase. I never really could fit into the rules, in the first place. It simply didn't work! I laugh now because I am so glad that I was a mistfit in the terms of my society. If I hadn't of been, would I be able to write this to you all, now? Second most important thing, you have to make a map of being alone and even feeling loneliness. The one person you're going to be with for the rest of your life, no matter what is...you guessed it, yourself. This person is going to be everything to you - she'll be your best friend, sometimes. You'll hear, "I'm so great!" From time to time. She's also going to be the one you fight with the most...the one who hurts like no other. Feel that thump, thump, thumpity in your chest? It'll be there on the days when you are screaming with laughter and think it couldn't get any better, when you're standing on top of the universe and flying through the winds of change...It'll be there on those dark nights of the soul, snot dripping from your nose and tears leaving your face raw. It'll be there when you feel like you couldn't get any lower. It will be there when you give yourself to another for the first time and when you pass on your last breath to the those you love. When you love and respect yourself, when you can sit with your own self - through terrifying grief or bewildering joy...Then, you are ready to look into the eyes of another and say, "I can give you all of my being without asking you to save me from myself." I didn't discover this on my own, we rarely do. It's funny really. The one who showed me true love was an angel. Can you believe it? Someone you can't physically touch or hear them whisper to you that their favorite thing is your smile. But, have you ever heard a song that stopped you in your tracks and makes you want to freeze time, "Don't stop. This feeling, it must not stop." It's true that there is love which changes everything. It's true that you can feel a love which makes all the doubts you've ever had disappear. It's more than chemical. Third, don't settle an don't be afraid to take chances. There are literally an infinite amount of possibilities for your life. If only you could see life as your delicious buffet...It's an empty canvas and you are the artist. Put whatever colors on there, experiment - find what you enjoy. You may want to color in blacks some nights or the next in pink and blue and white or all the colors of the rainbow. Soak in all of the emotions, you don't have to be afraid of them. Or the thoughts and beliefs in your head. I wish I could give you this peace. Lastly, trust you inner knowing light. There isn't a set way to go about life and I don't think you can really go wrong...just some things are really, really horrible to experience. Experience your creativity...take up an art. Take time to breathe and just be. Take time to sit outside and watch the world breathe and just be. I'll tell you from experience that some of it will just come with experience so you don't have to worry about understanding it all, right now. That really takes the fun out of it, anyway! Trust that there is a higher power out there that is helping you the entire time...when your heart breaks - listen...listen really carefully...God is in the rain. I love you so much and I can say this because my heart is open, tonight. Ellie