Sometimes, the first step in healing is saying that you don't want what has happened to have happened. That you don't want to accept it, or accept it happening to you. Sometimes, realizing what I don't want to accept helps bring about change. As a warrior type, I have been prone to "deal with it". Deal with the pain, deal with the anger, the resentment...I can handle it, mentality. But, what I am saying is that sometimes the first step to healing is admitting what you don't want to handle. This shows you your boundaries, it shows you your authentic feelings.
I awoke today, fearful about my brother. I got the feeling of, "Why do I have to be okay with him leaving me? Why do I have to just pick up and go on when someone has put into the Universe that it's okay to turn their back on me...To walk away." I realized that I had a pattern of feeling like someone has been "breaking up" with me my entire life. It was always me trying to hold the pieces together, it was always me who was left behind...alone, not cared about and having to fend for myself. This is the story repeating itself for me. I, of course, am still here so I survived every time that happened to me but my old method was finding a way to tell myself that it was okay...It was okay that they walked away...Even going so far as to understand where they were coming from. It wasn't that way in the beginning. In the beginning I threw fits...It was the end of the world and I would blaze with anger. I would create drama. When I saw how that didn't change anything and it only hurt the one's I loved...and myself, I stopped. It then changed to me trying to understand the bigger picture, to be strong, to be okay with it.
Now, I have realized that, that hurts me and it also doesn't allow there to be a catalyst for change. Sometimes, you NEED to say, "I'm not okay with this." So you can stop allowing yourself to be in an unhealthy situation or relationships. It's healthy to have boundaries and to say no.
I prayed and I feel the potential of our relationship and the potential of healing for all involved. I can feel on the energetic level that things have shifted and Source hears my heart. I release old patterns and "curses" which hold us back...I want to step into the light. I want true healing for my family. For my own heart. And I said, "I don't want this to be reality." Then it was interjected by my mom, "Something even better than before." Yes...Something even better than before, no matter how that may unfold...But I imagine we'll both heal and come together, again. The fear lessened...Because, I know, "Ask and you shall receive". The healing is here, now. I'm glad that I no longer want to accept or unconsciously choose for myself, a reality where I feel rejected, abandoned, and unloved. It's not true...It's actually awe-inducing how untrue that really is. There's always been someone there, every step of the way. No one walks the path for me, but I know my friends and family will be there with a helping hand if ever I need it. I know my God/dess will be there, always, smiling...supporting...loving. I know I AM there, for me. :) I know I am loved, accepted and worthy. I would like to start consciously creating that as a reality for myself.
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