Happy Destiny

In about 5 days I'll have made it to 90 days of sobriety. What an interesting concept this is for me. It's farther than I made last time I entered AA. Yet, last time, I was still scouting things out for myself...gathering information.
Now, I am ready and willing to surrender my will to a higher power and work the 12 steps. I have been taking on 90 meetings for 90 days. Some days have been a struggle to go but everytime I do - I am rewarded and I am reminded how much this program truly works if you work it.
I've changed as a person just in this short amount of time. At first, I really couldn't see it but my sponsor could and she points it out to me often. Now, I am beginning to see it. I grow in confidence and yet with humility because I know these changes are only happening through the grace of God, the fellowship and me being willing to work the steps/surrender my will. I have relationships with girls my age and all ages who mean a lot to me. I genuinely love them and want the best for them. We support each other in ways I have never experienced before and we "get" each other. A friend of mine in the program reminds me that the trauma's I've been through in my life will help other girls who come in and has been through the same thing. AA has given me a solution and a purpose. They say self pity and self seeking will slip away...I am still not there yet but I see it happening - slowly but surely. There have been some truly emotionally gruelling days. Days where I was sure this was it for me...I was going to throw in the towel and just say, "fuck it all." But instead I would call a women in the program or I would pray. It worked every. Single. Time. I made it on the other side of the emotional break down and I learn from each experience. I gain more love and compassion for myself each day. The days that I don't have faith...I just do the next right thing. I turn my mind off and do one of the simple action tools which are laid out for me in this program and I fake it till I make it. It works every time. I am blown away by that fact...that every time I earnestly seek God/dess of my own understanding and surrender my will - everything works out. I have never experienced anything like it except for 2011...which is what this blog was founded on and where it all began. Tonight, I realized something very special...God/dess wants me to be joyful. Every step of the way Spirit has been guiding me towards my Happy Destiny. The moments of pain that I go through I see now are not tests from God/dess but simply a part of life. Pain is the touchstone of my recovery. It's through pain I have learned many of my greatest lessons. One of them being that God/dess wants my happiness. Spirit warned me against a situation and I refused to heed the warning - it lasted for two years...those two years were some of the most painful, dark years of my life despite everything I'd already been through. And now, I am recovering.
My sponsor has only had one major critique for me in the last few weeks and that is that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I have been viciously assassinating every aspect of my life and character. Driving myself insane with it. Because I wanted to escape the reality that no matter how hard I try to be perfect...I can't rush through this healing process. I lived through immense trauma the passed two years and I can't just jump back into a state of joy. It will take time, it could take years even. It's a process and it will take courage to face it. But I know I'm not alone in this journey and that my higher power loves me, wants the best for me. Part of my story is that I don't have to learn everything the hard way...it's a choice. I can choose to get off the elevator to hell whenever I want to. We get out of the hole we're in whenever we put down the shovel. My higher power, didn't think that the immense pain I went through was the only way for me to live my destiny...Spirit tried to keep me from having to face what I'm facing now...and for that, I truly feel my higher power's love.