Wings

It's difficult to grow up...speaking strictly for myself and not the cliche...though I can agree with the age old tale of struggling to grow up. Transitioning from a human being who has much more responsibility on their shoulders and a lot more freedom. Truth is, I haven't quite flown far from the nest yet...is it fear of the unknown? I think it's more how badly I got hurt when I first took that leap to live on my own. Did I grow? Oh yes...I'm stronger now than ever before and I am hooked up with a program that really works when I apply myself. It's my new umbrella of protection...no matter what happens.
I wanted to write about my difficulties of transitioning into adulthood and the struggles I've had with resentments and feelings of things being unfair...but it's the opportunities I'm missing out on that bother me the most.
I haven't opened my wings yet...I'm terrified of where they will take me...I'm free now to be my own person, build my own world...Express something my own special signature into the universe. I'm scared to take the train. It's not that I'm wasting time...I'm not wasting time. I have a job, a great love, friends & family and I am following my passion of art...I have a spiritual community...a connection with art. Yet, I am too comfortable and being comfortable is never synonymous with growth.
Not that comfortable is bad...when was the last time I've had stability in my life? My mind is healthier than it's been for half of my life. That's a fucking miracle but it's taken a lot of hard work and support from friends and family. I didn't get there over night.
Still, I feel my wings are closed. I have so much to say...SO much to experience and share with this universe...but I hold back. It's not time yet, I say to me. Soon.
But I grow impatient...don't let life pass me by...I also say to myself.
Get out of THAT particular comfort zone...being seen by the world for who I truly am. All my vibrant, loud colors. Even the darker ones that might scare some people away...that's okay. I will never be everyone's cup of tea.

Work is like family

In modern psychology it is said that we choose mates based on our relationship with our parents early on. But what if it doesn't end there? What if our jobs tend to reflect our early home life? A job is often like a family...each person has their role.
Interestingly enough, my job reminds me of my family paradigm. Everything was incredible in the beginning...Everything was new and shiny and fun! I learned so much from my manager and everyone was happy to answer my questions. There was my boss who every one was scared of but he tended to like me and I only saw his bad side every once in a while. It felt like part of the job, I expected to have some rough feedback when I made mistakes. Just like growing up, I knew punishment was part of my child rearing.
My manager was usually very friendly but when she did lay down the law she did it  like a true Scorpio...just like my dad. She was a good and natural leader at my job.
Then, a few years in, she left. Everything changed...just like during the divorce. We didn't have a true leader and now everyone fights for power. Some use guilt, others use fear or manipulation. Things don't run as smoothly and more often we see my bosses ugly side.
A lot has happened but over time the feel of this job has changed and I have just wanted to run. But I'm trying not to run from things, anymore...But run TOWARDS things. Face my challenges and overcome what I can.
Just like a family, I don't always like all the members and resentments tend to build. It's a chance for me to learn to set healthy boundaries without having a shitty work ethic. That can be a balance but I believe it's possible. It's not my job to fix anyone or hold anyone responsible for their bad work ethic. It is my job to deal with my resentments and to remain professional. I plan to do that.
If work replays our early family life...I know now what I needed back then were boundaries, speaking up for my needs and addressing my co-depenedency. For the most part I've been doing that but it can still creep back in there if I'm not careful. Speaking of co-depenedency...it wouldn't hurt for me to make an ala-non meeting this week.

Responsibilty

One of the the scarier things I've had to undergo in my life is dealing with physical health issues. Talk about feeling a loss of control and having your ideas about self diminish.
When I was first diagnosed with IC I went into a deep depression...they wanted me to have surgery and take pain medication. The professionals were telling me there wasn't enough information on my condition and so there was no cure and really there were only invasive treatments.
Luckily, I was raised by a mother who believed in alternative paths of medicine. One of those paths led me to a very knowledgeable herbalist who not only helped me relieve my symptoms but basically cure me of them. She gave me hope.
The issue with not being able to use modern medicine is there is no "quick fix" to my health problems. I have to do the research, I have to put in the work...and i have to be brave enough to keep trying over and over and over everytime I fail. Which I have. I have failed as much as I've succeeded.
My body is what made me take responsibility for my life...My body couldn't take anymore abuse and it refused to take it one more day without me being very aware of it's pain. But the responsibility can be such a huge burden to bear. Maybe because for so many years I really didn't care what I put into my body or how it would affect me later in life. I was truly naive.
Hurting my body was my means of escape from reality. I hurt my body intentionally at times but often time unintentionally...I just craved escape from my body. I wanted to be somewhere else mentally, physically and emotionally.
2011 was the greatest example of that desire to be somewhere/someone else and my body's reaction to it. My body is what grounds me to this planet and makes me whole. I have a responsibility to be the right sort of steward over it. I am one with my body and it will always do it's job...But it does rely on me to make certain lifestyle choices, be informed and nourish it with life giving nutrients.
Today is Easter and I woke up to fear, exhaustion and tears over my health. I am still struggling with candida/leaky gut issues after years of succeeding and failing trying to overcome it. I've used food as a way to change how I feel for years.  Bad food was a way that I emotionally *pampered* my hurt soul. Not realizing it was making everything worse.
Entering the 12 step program has been a life saver for me because it shows me that I have to be the one to take the steps towards freedom but I need others to help me finish it...I need a higher power to guide and to give me the strength to take on the hurdles which will come.
I haven't been to see my herbalist in over a year. I've wanted to be *free* of the responsibility of thinking of my health problems for a little while. But my body needs me and is crying out to me again. I have to be strong and step through this.
It is scary to feel like I may never succeed...not because it isn't possible but because I am too undisciplined.
I pray that my Higher Power will remove my obstacles in my way towards better health...so that I may be a better vessel of HP's will.