Responsibilty

One of the the scarier things I've had to undergo in my life is dealing with physical health issues. Talk about feeling a loss of control and having your ideas about self diminish.
When I was first diagnosed with IC I went into a deep depression...they wanted me to have surgery and take pain medication. The professionals were telling me there wasn't enough information on my condition and so there was no cure and really there were only invasive treatments.
Luckily, I was raised by a mother who believed in alternative paths of medicine. One of those paths led me to a very knowledgeable herbalist who not only helped me relieve my symptoms but basically cure me of them. She gave me hope.
The issue with not being able to use modern medicine is there is no "quick fix" to my health problems. I have to do the research, I have to put in the work...and i have to be brave enough to keep trying over and over and over everytime I fail. Which I have. I have failed as much as I've succeeded.
My body is what made me take responsibility for my life...My body couldn't take anymore abuse and it refused to take it one more day without me being very aware of it's pain. But the responsibility can be such a huge burden to bear. Maybe because for so many years I really didn't care what I put into my body or how it would affect me later in life. I was truly naive.
Hurting my body was my means of escape from reality. I hurt my body intentionally at times but often time unintentionally...I just craved escape from my body. I wanted to be somewhere else mentally, physically and emotionally.
2011 was the greatest example of that desire to be somewhere/someone else and my body's reaction to it. My body is what grounds me to this planet and makes me whole. I have a responsibility to be the right sort of steward over it. I am one with my body and it will always do it's job...But it does rely on me to make certain lifestyle choices, be informed and nourish it with life giving nutrients.
Today is Easter and I woke up to fear, exhaustion and tears over my health. I am still struggling with candida/leaky gut issues after years of succeeding and failing trying to overcome it. I've used food as a way to change how I feel for years.  Bad food was a way that I emotionally *pampered* my hurt soul. Not realizing it was making everything worse.
Entering the 12 step program has been a life saver for me because it shows me that I have to be the one to take the steps towards freedom but I need others to help me finish it...I need a higher power to guide and to give me the strength to take on the hurdles which will come.
I haven't been to see my herbalist in over a year. I've wanted to be *free* of the responsibility of thinking of my health problems for a little while. But my body needs me and is crying out to me again. I have to be strong and step through this.
It is scary to feel like I may never succeed...not because it isn't possible but because I am too undisciplined.
I pray that my Higher Power will remove my obstacles in my way towards better health...so that I may be a better vessel of HP's will.