Self-love, what is it??

Self-love is a topic that keeps coming up here lately. That those whom we choose to keep close to us, reflect how much we love ourselves.
Love has become a strange word to me...full of many different conatations.
Is it self love to be in a relationship with someone who is extremely moody & can lash out at you for no reason?
Am I keep the wrong people close?
I've been trying to love myself better. It hasn't always been an easy process. I've definitely made a lot of mistakes a long the way.
I had promised myself more comfort, more love after 2011. It hurt me how I failed myself. But truthfully, I relate so much to the women in my life because they've suffered a similar plight of trying so hard to love themselves and falling short...especially in regard to men.
In some ways I was safe from all that for a long time with Kirene. But in other ways I was just alone but didn't believe I was alone. Maybe in some ways that belief made me less alone...it helped me a lot at the time.
I've felt loneliness and pent up anger a lot in my lifetime...I've bit back words and defensiveness or gone on the other extreme and lashed out. It never worked out too well.

Ghosts

I can tell mom is concerned about me. Poor mom, I know 2011 was so hard on her and dad. They'd already lost a son and they feared they were going to lose me too. I can imagine the enormous weight that was on their shoulders during that time.
Anyway, I understand moms apprehension when she found me reading the old notes I wrote while hearing voices in 2011. How did she know if it would or wouldn't trigger me? How did she know if I might slip back into that place? I'm sure she didn't expect it when it first happened.
I tried to console her the other night and assure her that I felt ready to read those notes. It's taken me 8 years to read them. 8 years. That experience was the most difficult experience of my life to date. I struggled for my sanity and survival. This isn't something I take lightly. Yet, I do understand her fears and hesitations. She's not inside my head and can't see what I see. I am only trying to piece certain parts of myself back together. I have to...or I'll never find my artistic voice again. I can totally start over with most parts of my life... But as an artist...that is where I'm stuck.
I'm also rebuilding my identity...learning my self all over again. So the inner council summons goes hand in hand with that. I also feel like I'm ready to embrace my inner council again. In a way that works for me.
It's been a rocky last 8 years...but here I am.
Mom tonight found me playing video games late into the night and knocked on my door. I could see her concerned look on her face as she said, "these are old behaviors." I felt annoyed with her in that moment for interrupting my very immersive story that I was in with the game but once she left I realized she must've still been feeling worried about it. She's still watching my behaviors to make sure I'm not slipping. At 26, it's not big deal if I stay up late gaming every once in a while. But in her mind it's a possible red flag?
I can't read her mind. But I did check myself - am I slipping?
I don't believe I am. I have a strong grip on reality, no voices or weird visions. Also, I have a strong support system that I can rely on and will hold me accountable.
Truth is, I was tearing down the walls between my physical reality and whatever reality it was that I experienced in 2011. I passionately and naively searching for answers no matter the consequences.
That's not where I am anymore, I don't desire to tempt fire not to burn me. What I was seeking in 2011 - I've found.
But what I'm seeking now is what I accidentally left behind in 2011...my voice and my identity. I lost that in the wreckage of my being.
Truth is, my voice is right there inside me and my identity is waiting to be molded with conscious vision. I'm not in search of it like a lost item. I am giving myself space to become. These voices within me, have been silenced so that I could free myself from their oppressive nature. But it's all a part of me and it desires to be expressed just as ghosts seek resolution to move on to the next realm.
My heart is full of ghosts and I'm trying to cleanse my rooms by opening the windows to let them out & let the sunshine in.
It may be scary to my mom but I hope that she will see over time there is nothing to be afraid of.

Surviving as a way of life

Just stumbled upon papers that I wrote in 2011...from the first voice I heard which was a male voice and was the one to first break my psyche. Then much, much later almost towards the end where I was working on an amends and speaking to my Spirit. This is when I was deeply immersed in the experience.
I have been listening to podcasts about survivors of natural disasters and what not. I'm a survivor of a mental onslaught and spirit crisis. I felt like mentally and spiritually I was at the mouth of a volcano with no hard hat on and ten ton flaming rocks were flying at my head. I was so, so confused. It was like I'd been transported onto another planet or abducted by aliens. My whole world was turned upside down. Nothing made sense anymore.
Maybe some people wouldn't want to hear my story or they'd simply just call me crazy but for me, how I remember it...it was a fight to save my life and who I was. I learned so much from that experience and really quite honestly went through a transformation from it and I've chosen to focus more on that than the survival aspect of it.
I also survived my relationship with Tristan. Sexual abuse, drug use and risky situations happened within only 2 years of being together. There was death and destruction following that family around wherever they were. I became so deeply depressed I was beginning to feel suicidal. I even began to give up hope which I have had to work hard to regain. To come back out of that hole.
I survived the divorce of my parents and the onslaught of craziness that insued...the emotional toll it took on me. I survived the loss of my brother, the loss of many loved ones.
Survival has been a key element to my success in life up until this point. Now, I feel like I'm coming out of survival mode and I am asking myself, "Who am I? What is my purpose?" It's different than what it was just  year after 2011. I have changed so much and gained perspective in a lot of ways 18 year old me couldn't see then.