Ghosts

I can tell mom is concerned about me. Poor mom, I know 2011 was so hard on her and dad. They'd already lost a son and they feared they were going to lose me too. I can imagine the enormous weight that was on their shoulders during that time.
Anyway, I understand moms apprehension when she found me reading the old notes I wrote while hearing voices in 2011. How did she know if it would or wouldn't trigger me? How did she know if I might slip back into that place? I'm sure she didn't expect it when it first happened.
I tried to console her the other night and assure her that I felt ready to read those notes. It's taken me 8 years to read them. 8 years. That experience was the most difficult experience of my life to date. I struggled for my sanity and survival. This isn't something I take lightly. Yet, I do understand her fears and hesitations. She's not inside my head and can't see what I see. I am only trying to piece certain parts of myself back together. I have to...or I'll never find my artistic voice again. I can totally start over with most parts of my life... But as an artist...that is where I'm stuck.
I'm also rebuilding my identity...learning my self all over again. So the inner council summons goes hand in hand with that. I also feel like I'm ready to embrace my inner council again. In a way that works for me.
It's been a rocky last 8 years...but here I am.
Mom tonight found me playing video games late into the night and knocked on my door. I could see her concerned look on her face as she said, "these are old behaviors." I felt annoyed with her in that moment for interrupting my very immersive story that I was in with the game but once she left I realized she must've still been feeling worried about it. She's still watching my behaviors to make sure I'm not slipping. At 26, it's not big deal if I stay up late gaming every once in a while. But in her mind it's a possible red flag?
I can't read her mind. But I did check myself - am I slipping?
I don't believe I am. I have a strong grip on reality, no voices or weird visions. Also, I have a strong support system that I can rely on and will hold me accountable.
Truth is, I was tearing down the walls between my physical reality and whatever reality it was that I experienced in 2011. I passionately and naively searching for answers no matter the consequences.
That's not where I am anymore, I don't desire to tempt fire not to burn me. What I was seeking in 2011 - I've found.
But what I'm seeking now is what I accidentally left behind in 2011...my voice and my identity. I lost that in the wreckage of my being.
Truth is, my voice is right there inside me and my identity is waiting to be molded with conscious vision. I'm not in search of it like a lost item. I am giving myself space to become. These voices within me, have been silenced so that I could free myself from their oppressive nature. But it's all a part of me and it desires to be expressed just as ghosts seek resolution to move on to the next realm.
My heart is full of ghosts and I'm trying to cleanse my rooms by opening the windows to let them out & let the sunshine in.
It may be scary to my mom but I hope that she will see over time there is nothing to be afraid of.