Creationist~

I came here to create. No more limits. I am free.
I'm not chained down by duality or right or wrong. The two are one in the same, they are as illusions at father time.
At the end of the day it all ends at the same place but today is what you have. What will I do with it? What will I create? Isn't that what free will is here? We can create. Create thoughts, feelings, actions, buildings. We're all Creationists in our own way.
Love is my destination and freedom is my dream. I want to create these things into this life.

My brother and I spoke of dreams and following them. "Remember when we were little and we used to say, 'Why don't older people who have more freedom then us just follow their dreams?' - 'Well, Elizabeth, they're scared.' And we would both smile mischievously, 'We're not not going to be afraid.' But what happened? We got older and realized the harder truths of life and realized just WHY a person might be afraid or even feel it was illogical to try and follow their dreams. And that's the truth about dreams. They ARE hard to follow and it can be scary as hell to have the courage to even do them. But the soul will always, always call you to do it. You want to know why? It doesn't see the obstacles we see and even when it does see it just says, "So what? I can do that. I'm a God being, not a puny twig." You're soul see's you for who you are. You're fucking Titan, Sam."
I honestly anything can be achieved if you put the effort towards it so I want to ask myself what it is in my soul that I want to create here and I want to GO FOR IT. Even if I make a mistake that is hard to forget. I only have this life to live. I don't care about what happens after death, right now. I'm HERE, right now. Not dead. So while I'm still alive I want to live my life to it's fullest with all my soul, with every inch of my soul.

I want to live my dreams, I want to be a Creationist. Yes, I can. I feel like these are the wings I've been waiting to feel sprouting from my back. I don't feel the urge to judge others, to judge myself. This is SUCH a freeing realization. Live here, now. There is no right or wrong path. There is just YOU and what YOU do with your life. And so that's where I ask my own questions, "What would I like to do with my life?" Or on a more simple scale, "What do I want to do with right now? Do with today?" Sometimes I will just live in the moment, sometimes I will build things up and sometimes combine the two. That's what I want to be able to use my thoughts and my soul in unison. But, I am happy with my life, right now. I will keep shaping it, molding it like a beautiful creation. Because my life is my greatest masterpiece. Oh, how exciting!

We are living f-ing art. GO FORTH CREATIONISTS!!! <3

I am very happy right now and having a "Homage to my Inner Child" week because I will be turning 18 on the    25th! It's a time of growing up and taking on responsibilities as a young adult and I want to pay respects to my past but I also want to remember there will always be an inner child within me that needs nourishment through fun and creativity and to never take life too seriously. Because after all, this life is a "BIG ADVENTURE!" And as a little girl, that was my dream. To go on the biggest adventures I could comprehend. So that is what I will do. And it's also what I'm going to do for my birthday party.

I'm not sure if I will still be making a new blog. I probably will just continue using this one because I believe that's why I created this one in the first place. I'm not sure why I don't always use it but either way I will try to do that more.

---I'd like to take some more time to see where my soul is calling me. But I do feel so much more fed with the way my life has changed. My heart is healing from years of hurt. I am happier, I am healthier. Thank the God that may be for this unconquerable soul. And I am truly thankful to Papa God, Mama God. And all the brothers and sisters that go along with that and ALL the friends that have helped me. I smile and tear up just at the thought. And I send my love to all those that have passed the veil and now live in another realm.
----
I feel I am truly trying to dedicate my life to True Love. True fulfillment and freedom. But thank-you to my higher self and my guides for showing me that there is more to life then just 'being true' and while I 'chase true' I don't want to forget to just stop and Be Who I Am.
Ain't that what it's all about? :]

-Lizabeth

I am free!

I want to say this to my own 'home frequency', to my core:
I AM FREE.
What if we came to this Earth not with a thing to do but to just be? What if this world, this life is not about right or wrong but having fun?
WHAT IF whatever path you choose is fine because at the end of the day it leads all to the same place. And so it's not about the path you choose being right or wrong but being what YOU want to choose. Who are YOU, Elizabeth? Who do YOU want to be and what do you want to be? 
I am free to be and do whatever I want. 
What if life is a big playground, our life the creative brush to a huge masterpiece. I still remember the story about the flower. That God made it because it's beautiful and it reminds us to cherish the beauty, the 'fun' of life. 
What if we're co-creators and we came here to create? If I can create anything, I want to create my life longs dreams but more importantly, I want to create more and more love until it seeps through everything I am, do and be. 
I want to live in this moment. Right here, right now. Nowhere else but here in this moment and just be. To just cherish this moment with all it is. 


I've noticed that I have SO much to say about the experience I went through a few months back and what I've continued to learn and go through after that. A friend pointed out that maybe I should write a book. I may do that one day but right now, I just don't know if I'm ready to share it. Not because I'm stingy but because I don't want to share something that may not even benefit the public. It was talking to a friend tonight and telling her how when I was younger I felt so smart and like I was really ahead of most people in life and then it was like I realized through this whole experience, "Oh...I'm still 17." And I am, no matter how mature I am, I'll always be my age. So anyway - back to my point. I want to write about my experience or anything that comes to my mind that I'd just like to talk about. It's a bit different from this blog because here I am trying to track my progression and day to day life, feelings and thoughts so that when I look back on it at a later time it might be something that I can use as a reference. It also can help to sort thoughts out through a blog. I want to write it online because there is something magical about sending it out to the world like a bottle into the ocean and I know that there are some people who are curious to know about it. The people who have this blog will also get a link to the other one because I'm going to post it on here whenever I do make it.

I don't really have anymore time to write though since it's getting a tad late and I have school in the morning so now I will take my leave!

More from me soon[hopefully!] I do have some interesting stuff I'd like to write about.

-Liz

The beginning of Duality and Oneness~

Wow. Okay! I was going to write something before I got on here but as usual my perspective has completely wheeled around. I struggle with the thought process, "Why do I let myself slip back into this childish way of living?" But then I remind myself that some things in life have to be taken with baby steps. It's NOT going to happen over night and trying to do that just might very well traumatize me. [I know it did when I tried to before] I rush ahead of things, I always have. But I'm growing, I'm learning from my mistakes.

I was going to write about a little clippet of memory I had from the experience I went through quite a few months ago that changed my life forever. 

Here's the low-down, I'd been trying to 'become True'. I had realized that somehow, though my efforts were valiant, there were many if not a strong part/parts of me which did not have my best interest as my moral standpoint saw at heart. And these parts of me I could not control or destroy[which hurting or destroying anything was out of the picture at that point]. 

So what would I do? Live my whole life with this constant struggle of, YOU GUESSED IT! Duality. How in the hell would I get anywhere? I'd always be sending out weak energy and my darkness was a force to reckon with. Well, at this point I'd only identified it as 'the man in the mirror' which my father calls the internal assassin. I also see now that it is the unmastered energy in which has turned into a fearful energy. I saw it happen, every mistake I made would make it stronger unless I was able to forgive myself and at one point...I'd crossed a line with myself, I remember a part of me saying, "No. I can't forgive myself. The only reason I am forgiving myself is because I don't want to face the consequences of my actions. That is cowardice." And a part of me knew, felt that it was cowardice. I didn't want to suffer eternally, this WASN'T supposed to happen to me. Not me. I had convinced myself for many years that I'd NEVER be the one to have such a fate. And yet it's what scared me the most. 

But there was a part of me that simply would not budge on this and was threatening to kill me here and there if I did not cooperate. The energy in my core was like seething fire, I could barely stand it. It's in those moments the real you comes to surface, there are no more masks or games. 

Yet the voice that broke the silence was the 'still, small voice' within that screamed out and said, "NO! I didn't even get my chance to live my life freely, I was never given my childhood! I tried to tell myself not to do this but no on ever listens to me! I just want to be happy, I just want to be free!" And that's when the 'monster'[the part of me that would not accept itself] agreed to letting the child live a life of fulfillment but the other parts of me had to die because they were cowardice and could not accept responsibility for their actions. One part of me agreed but the other part of me, did not. Which was currently at the seat of my consciousness. So 'the child' kept on getting her innocence shrouded by this cowardly person. At one point eventually, I really felt a part of me let go of this life and was lifted away from me but tastes of it remained and the darkness within me kept telling me that's still what I was. That I could I not be free.

Long story short, I realized my 'shadow' self was not going to leave that easily and that the only choice I had to live as the True potential I was, was to be able to become True in the body. But it is said one cannot become True, one just is or they are not. So I just had to be True or not. But I could never 'change' back or I was not True. True never wavered. Never. 

This was the biggest test I went through. I was trying, man, I was really trying and every time it didn't work it was harder and harder for me to accept but for weeks I kept trying. I remember countless days, hours. It didn't matter though because it was to no avail. I wasn't supposed to be TRYING I just supposed to be able to simply do. I DIDN'T understand, I always knew that if a person put their mind to something they could do anything. Anything. So why couldn't I do this? I remember this is when my Angel friends told me they were going to get 'Being True' for me and if this being looked at me he might help me to Be True. After talking to me he decided that he[it more or less] wanted to help me. 

Along the way, I became very muddled in the path and needless to say I was unsuccessful in 'being True' the way I wanted to be.

I remember one conversation. Okay, I had been shown that my consciousness, no matter how many good intentions I had was so unaware of every action I was taking, was SO unable to see what I was doing that I was like a raving madman, running the streets throwing grenades into people's windows. I missed the point of things. And it didn't help that I had this 'shadow' self complicating every move I made that I felt was in a beneficial way. I also didn't believe that I could keep the advice of them for much longer because I KNEW that I had to reground myself or I simply wasn't going to live my life the way I knew. I could remember the peace of hearing only ONE voice and having ONE perspective. God, I needed that peace for clarity. But I also saw how blind that perspective had been. But when I was connected to "Who I Really Am." I was able to see things clearly. So I was trying to be True with Who I Really Was aka, become one with my higher self.   

One weekend when I went over to my father's and this quest 'to be True' was still being shoved on me and I still believed, no matter how pissed I felt at the fake that I could not trust my own consciousness. I spoke with my father, stretched on my bed, biting my lip. 

I was so frustrated...I had finally just stopped trying earlier that day and just lived when Laurie had given me a message. The emotions I'd been feeling were draining from my body and they[the angels and whoever else it was talking to me] said this is what it was like to be dead. Little had I remembered that this is how I usually felt every day of my life while 'grounded'. But it was so beautiful to feel nothing at all, it was peace. They told me there was beauty to it but I still didn't see anything for what it really was when I was like this. I realized this and yet it had rejuvenated me. And when I say, 'see things for what they really are'. I'm not even speaking from a logical point of view, it's like a higher clarity that is much more then logic. I can't explain it unless another person has experienced it. Anyway, back to the story. After the message I immediately had to switch back to who I really was, the child within or something MORE. I couldn't stay in my 'death'. But no matter how hard I tried, it's like I didn't have it in my anymore or even wanted to. I was EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED! This didn't matter.

I remember laying on that bed with my father there, telling him I couldn't go to sleep until I was True. I had already messed up for too long. I had to be True, it was now or never. All the words I'd ever put into it. I HAD to do it. But a voice in my that had no pride left kept saying, "I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired. I want sleep." And the angels maybe voices were getting angry telling me, "Is sleep all that matters to you? This is more important then sleep! Sometimes sleep has to be forfeited. Think about the one's you love." So on and on I tried to be True. Needless to say I eventually went to sleep. When I woke up it was still the same, I needed to be True, though the beings had practically come to the point of not trusting me ounce again. I needed to be True but had no will to do it.

At this point I wasn't even trying anymore, I had no idea what to do. I'd exhausted all my answers. And that was the day that my father brought me to Oak Mountain.

He told me I had a very important meeting on Rock's Edge. All the birds I'd pass by flipped out as if they could sense something was very wrong with me. I knew something was as well but I didn't know what to do. I just didn't. And then walking the trail with my father I felt something in my lurch. I was pissed. Genuinely. WHY couldn't I be good enough? Why couldn't the simple fact that I was wanted to do my best be enough?! I screamed it out in my mind, "I want to try! I know that I'm not True and that I don't see things for what they really are but I want to do my best. How can that not be enough?!" And then the Universe opened up, Being True was back. He told me he was intrigued with what I was saying and that we would meet at Cliffs Edge. So sitting at Cliffs Edge, dad walked off to give me space and I listened to Being True telling me, "I don't want to do this because I don't know if I can trust you but Who You Really Are wants to do this for you. And like that my consciousness was raised to a higher frequency and I could see everything more clearly. The fear was gone, the angst was gone. I saw what I needed and didn't need to do. I was connected with my higher self. My higher self told me that only I could do this because only I could feel the connection with my higher self and that I had to show myself something. And that is when I showed the being that I usually am when I am grounded that I just don't see things for what they really are. That Who I Am see's that I want the best but I just can't see what that is. So that's when I decided instead of continually trying to be True I was going to listen to my Higher Self and go from there. It was then that my Higher Self told me, "Just remember, life isn't all about being True. Listen to who you really are, it's not all True." I still don't understand that all the way and I think it was more that I said, "I never wanted myself to be completely True, that's why you are here." Because I wanted to live in this world and I am that connection to this world. It was as if I was being shown I have mission here. That only I can do. Because True Beings do not have dominion over this realm and in this realm of duality, if I leave it behind before it is ready then will have left the world behind. 

That was when I learned that it was time to just start living as who I was. Not trying to change where I was at but just learning to keep growing at a healthy pace and listening to the guidance from who I really was and higher powers so that I could keep moving forward. I saw that even my doubts had a place in my life. 

I know that I've learned more since those experiences but it also does remind me that I don't need to try so hard to be True, per se. But to REALLY be me. ME. Elizabeth Morgan. Nothing more or less. Just this girl, with these hands and this heart and see that I AM making a difference. I do feel like facing my shadow is important, though but I don't want to force something to happen that just isn't going to happen, right now. Or needs to. I am going to meditate on it some more and see what I get from this. 

But last night I got the information: "To reintegrate my 'shadow' self I must be willing to look at my shortcomings with honesty and to change them. To change the shadow self is to change perception from duality to one whole. Perceiving life on a different frequency. The shadow self exists until there is no shadow thoughts. No hurt on myself or anyone else. This new way of living freedom. Some things only work if you believe in them."

I remember saying I knew this would take courage. And I do believe that. I also remember from my journey before that I needed to remember my consciousness was not that of who I really was but some place in between worlds. That the child was within but that was not my consciousness right then.

It seems wrong to stop trying to grow at all and just accept that I can't be more than I am, now. [in my mind it's like settling with being a serial killer and just killing] but I also can't keep trying tirelessly to force myself into something that just isn't working and that who I really am doesn't even want. 

This is where real courage and wisdom comes in. It looks like I really AM facing the whole duality concept, tonight. Anyway, I wish you all good luck on your journey and I DO believe good luck will come to you if you put the effort out there. Keep heart friends, it's only beginning to become a dream.

All my love and life,

Eli

What do I do now?

So, surprisingly, here I am again. Writing is something that I've found is important to me and I know that it might be helpful to 'journal' my journey here.
Today has been an eyeopener, honestly. Last night I had trouble sleeping because I was falling into a panic and I think I was project that fear into the energy around me. At one point it felt like something was trying to 'kill me'. But I calmed down yet the dreams I had were far from pleasant.
When I woke up this morning I was still feeling uneasy and I couldn't put it into words. Tight stomach and a weight on my chest. With that being said my perspective was in a darker place and a part of me felt like I was losing control of myself. It was really freaking me out.
That's when the concept was shown to me. In Jungian psychology there is said to be an archetype called a persons 'shadow'. Which is part of the unconscious mind that is repressed weaknesses, instincts and shortcomings. It's said that this archetype is usually projected onto other people instead of actually facing that it is within us. And that the less we embody it in our conscious life the denser and blacker it is.
At some point after birth we began to split ourselves in archetypes it is believed and the shadow self is the darker element of ourselves.
  "The shadow personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself" and represents "a tight passage, a narrow door, whose painful constriction no one is spared who goes down to the deep well".^[16] If and when 'an individual makes an attempt to see his shadow, he becomes aware of (and often ashamed of) those qualities and impulses he denies in himself but can plainly see in others — such things as egotism, mental laziness, and sloppiness; unreal fantasies, schemes, and plots; carelessness and cowardice; inordinate love of money and possessions — ...[a] painful and lengthy work of self-education"
According to Jung, the shadow sometimes overwhelms a person's actions; for example, when the conscious mind is shocked, confused, or paralyzed by indecision. 'A man who is possessed by his shadow is always standing in his own light and falling into his own traps ... living below his own level'^[19]: hence, in terms of the story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, 'it must be Jekyll, the conscious personality, who integrates the shadow ... and not vice versa. Otherwise the conscious becomes the slave of the autonomous shadow'.

Individuation inevitably raises that very possibility. As the process continues, and 'the libido leaves the bright upper world ... sinks back into its own depths...below, in the shadows of the unconscious',^[21] so too what comes to the forefront is 'what was hidden under the mask of conventional adaptation: the shadow', with the result that 'ego and shadow are no longer divided but are brought together in an — admittedly precarious — unity'.^[22]

The impact of such 'confrontation with the shadow produces at first a dead balance, a standstill that hampers moral decisions and makes convictions ineffective...tenebrositas, chaos, melancholia'.^[23] Consequently (as Jung knew from personal experience) 'in this time of descent — one, three, seven years, more or less — genuine courage and strength are required',^[24] with no certainty of emergence. Nevertheless Jung remained of the opinion that while 'no one should deny the danger of the descent ... every descent is followed by an ascent ...enantiodromia';^[25] and assimilation of — rather than possession by — the shadow becomes at last a real possibility.

It is my goal to reintegrate myself completely to the point that this vicious cycle of duality can end. I would like to one with myself and I believe that is what I am working toward now. Because it is only then that I will be able to truly see with a pair of eyes that has a set destination. I am following love because it speaks to me in every aspect of who I am. I cannot say following the light always speaks to every aspect of who I am so that is why I am choosing currently to place my faith and determination in love. Love for myself and others, love for the one as a whole. 

It's a work in progress. Every day, sitting down at the chair or being patient with those you love. It's a work in progress and not I or anyone can expect for the progress to just materialize over night. "I'm so tired of trying and trying and nothing happening. I'm so tired of trying and my efforts never being enough." 

I've heard a lot of really important people say that to me recently and used to it would have scared me so bad to hear that. Because I always wanted to believe that if a person put their best foot forward, well, they'd be rewarded. That's what we were taught right? Somehow, life isn't 'fair' on those terms and I think it's okay to say that sometimes I just don't understand life or why it does what it does. But all I know is what is laid out before me, right here, right now. 

What do I do now? Do I give up or do I live? The past is already gone and the future doesn't yet exist, it's just this moment. What will I choose to do with this moment? What if this is the last moment I ever have left on this planet? What will I do? What will I choose? And so I see that it no longer matters what the ultimate truth is but what I have chosen to believe. Because what I've chosen is all I have in this moment. 

I have control of what I choose to do. 

I will fail sometimes, I will succeed. I will cry and I will smile. But I've got a choice, I am free~

- Free 

Just sit in the chair and see what comes out~

Where do I start? I haven't written in this blog in a little bit and I'm not sure if I've even posted in it since October started. Writing isn't always the easiest thing for me to do. I love it, writing. But I like to feel that the words I am sharing with the world are authentic to me and while one could say since I'm writing the damned words that's got to count for some sort of authenticity, I tend to want more from myself. I want to write from a place of...honesty, I guess. Where I'm not talking from behind a mask so that when I go back to read over it later there's only that much more veil-age to get passed.
With that being said I'm going to try and keep this as authentic as I possibly can. Maybe I should start off with a few questions;
Where do I feel I'm at in life right now? Am I happy with the path I am on? What changes would I like to see?

• I feel I am at a transition point in my life - I am relearning myself and setting up new ways to live. I am also still searching and so there is bit of chaos to that. I think I am struggling with my own personal fears to come to a place of  balance with myself and find my true direction.
• Yes and no. I am very happy with my efforts, outlooks and discoveries but I'm not happy with my indecisiveness and with my lack of perspective that I keep falling back into. 
• I want to be more confident in my own beliefs meaning that I can be steadfast in what I know in my heart while having the strength to be open and aware to outside sources of truth without totally losing my authority with my own energy. I want to find my direction and stick to it even if it alters a bit but I feel that will take confidence first to do. I'd like to see some healing of some wounds that I have so that I may move on with my life because at this moment there are still wounds I've not dealt with that are weighing heavy on my heart. 

In a nutshell, those are the answers to my questions and it will help me to see where I am at in my life. I have the issue with myself that I feel that while my intentions are good, I'm a very naive person and I'll settle with what feels right even though it's not the best thing for me. Growing up around brilliant people who at times I couldn't keep up with as well gave me a bit of an inferiority complex but I am beginning to see this whole issue a bit differently. I have my strong points and I have my weak points, the same applies for everyone else. When I was born, I was born into chaos. I made a mess of things but as my father says, "You really liked to experience things." I would climb on top of boxes as a small child, I growled and I would bite. But, I can have more chaos in my life and be okay. It's lacking the experience that really starts to choke out my soul. As I've gotten older I've definitely worked on better self discipline and not doing the first thing that 'feels good' to me. I know there's more to life then the simply instincts and while my intuition is strong it's not always tuning into my hearts call.
Tonight, I've got a knot in my stomach and off and on I'll feel anxiety or sadness. I may just be tapping into other's feelings but I think it's my own. I say this because it makes writing authentically from anything without the taint of these feelings leaking through a bit difficult. But again, I feel it's part of transitioning and/or facing some old wounds. Things are a' changing and denying that now would be useless for me.
But in the midst of all the chaos a still, small voice reminds me that I don't have to take all this in before I'm ready and to go at my own pace. It keep trying my best but to remember that it's not always good to rush things before I'm ready. My brain doesn't want to think anymore but at the same time I want to be in control. That's why I think it's time for me to have a break. Which I will give myself time to rejuvenate and get back up onto my feet again.
I've felt rather uncomfortable all day, as though there is something under my skin wriggling and writhing and every time I feel this; I just about scream out. It's almost disturbing but my head fogs over and I feel like I can't think. I've probably done too much thinking and too much talking. It really is time for Elizabeth to have a break.
It's going to be my 18th birthday on the 25th and I'm hoping I can go to the beach at some point in time before or after that. I know my mom sure wants to go.
It's now time for me to get some rest and I will write again when I think I should but for now it may just be on and off like this. Maybe that will change, soon.
 - Liz