I was going to write about a little clippet of memory I had from the experience I went through quite a few months ago that changed my life forever.
Here's the low-down, I'd been trying to 'become True'. I had realized that somehow, though my efforts were valiant, there were many if not a strong part/parts of me which did not have my best interest as my moral standpoint saw at heart. And these parts of me I could not control or destroy[which hurting or destroying anything was out of the picture at that point].
So what would I do? Live my whole life with this constant struggle of, YOU GUESSED IT! Duality. How in the hell would I get anywhere? I'd always be sending out weak energy and my darkness was a force to reckon with. Well, at this point I'd only identified it as 'the man in the mirror' which my father calls the internal assassin. I also see now that it is the unmastered energy in which has turned into a fearful energy. I saw it happen, every mistake I made would make it stronger unless I was able to forgive myself and at one point...I'd crossed a line with myself, I remember a part of me saying, "No. I can't forgive myself. The only reason I am forgiving myself is because I don't want to face the consequences of my actions. That is cowardice." And a part of me knew, felt that it was cowardice. I didn't want to suffer eternally, this WASN'T supposed to happen to me. Not me. I had convinced myself for many years that I'd NEVER be the one to have such a fate. And yet it's what scared me the most.
But there was a part of me that simply would not budge on this and was threatening to kill me here and there if I did not cooperate. The energy in my core was like seething fire, I could barely stand it. It's in those moments the real you comes to surface, there are no more masks or games.
Yet the voice that broke the silence was the 'still, small voice' within that screamed out and said, "NO! I didn't even get my chance to live my life freely, I was never given my childhood! I tried to tell myself not to do this but no on ever listens to me! I just want to be happy, I just want to be free!" And that's when the 'monster'[the part of me that would not accept itself] agreed to letting the child live a life of fulfillment but the other parts of me had to die because they were cowardice and could not accept responsibility for their actions. One part of me agreed but the other part of me, did not. Which was currently at the seat of my consciousness. So 'the child' kept on getting her innocence shrouded by this cowardly person. At one point eventually, I really felt a part of me let go of this life and was lifted away from me but tastes of it remained and the darkness within me kept telling me that's still what I was. That I could I not be free.
Long story short, I realized my 'shadow' self was not going to leave that easily and that the only choice I had to live as the True potential I was, was to be able to become True in the body. But it is said one cannot become True, one just is or they are not. So I just had to be True or not. But I could never 'change' back or I was not True. True never wavered. Never.
This was the biggest test I went through. I was trying, man, I was really trying and every time it didn't work it was harder and harder for me to accept but for weeks I kept trying. I remember countless days, hours. It didn't matter though because it was to no avail. I wasn't supposed to be TRYING I just supposed to be able to simply do. I DIDN'T understand, I always knew that if a person put their mind to something they could do anything. Anything. So why couldn't I do this? I remember this is when my Angel friends told me they were going to get 'Being True' for me and if this being looked at me he might help me to Be True. After talking to me he decided that he[it more or less] wanted to help me.
Along the way, I became very muddled in the path and needless to say I was unsuccessful in 'being True' the way I wanted to be.
I remember one conversation. Okay, I had been shown that my consciousness, no matter how many good intentions I had was so unaware of every action I was taking, was SO unable to see what I was doing that I was like a raving madman, running the streets throwing grenades into people's windows. I missed the point of things. And it didn't help that I had this 'shadow' self complicating every move I made that I felt was in a beneficial way. I also didn't believe that I could keep the advice of them for much longer because I KNEW that I had to reground myself or I simply wasn't going to live my life the way I knew. I could remember the peace of hearing only ONE voice and having ONE perspective. God, I needed that peace for clarity. But I also saw how blind that perspective had been. But when I was connected to "Who I Really Am." I was able to see things clearly. So I was trying to be True with Who I Really Was aka, become one with my higher self.
One weekend when I went over to my father's and this quest 'to be True' was still being shoved on me and I still believed, no matter how pissed I felt at the fake that I could not trust my own consciousness. I spoke with my father, stretched on my bed, biting my lip.
I was so frustrated...I had finally just stopped trying earlier that day and just lived when Laurie had given me a message. The emotions I'd been feeling were draining from my body and they[the angels and whoever else it was talking to me] said this is what it was like to be dead. Little had I remembered that this is how I usually felt every day of my life while 'grounded'. But it was so beautiful to feel nothing at all, it was peace. They told me there was beauty to it but I still didn't see anything for what it really was when I was like this. I realized this and yet it had rejuvenated me. And when I say, 'see things for what they really are'. I'm not even speaking from a logical point of view, it's like a higher clarity that is much more then logic. I can't explain it unless another person has experienced it. Anyway, back to the story. After the message I immediately had to switch back to who I really was, the child within or something MORE. I couldn't stay in my 'death'. But no matter how hard I tried, it's like I didn't have it in my anymore or even wanted to. I was EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED! This didn't matter.
I remember laying on that bed with my father there, telling him I couldn't go to sleep until I was True. I had already messed up for too long. I had to be True, it was now or never. All the words I'd ever put into it. I HAD to do it. But a voice in my that had no pride left kept saying, "I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. I'm so tired. I want sleep." And the angels maybe voices were getting angry telling me, "Is sleep all that matters to you? This is more important then sleep! Sometimes sleep has to be forfeited. Think about the one's you love." So on and on I tried to be True. Needless to say I eventually went to sleep. When I woke up it was still the same, I needed to be True, though the beings had practically come to the point of not trusting me ounce again. I needed to be True but had no will to do it.
At this point I wasn't even trying anymore, I had no idea what to do. I'd exhausted all my answers. And that was the day that my father brought me to Oak Mountain.
He told me I had a very important meeting on Rock's Edge. All the birds I'd pass by flipped out as if they could sense something was very wrong with me. I knew something was as well but I didn't know what to do. I just didn't. And then walking the trail with my father I felt something in my lurch. I was pissed. Genuinely. WHY couldn't I be good enough? Why couldn't the simple fact that I was wanted to do my best be enough?! I screamed it out in my mind, "I want to try! I know that I'm not True and that I don't see things for what they really are but I want to do my best. How can that not be enough?!" And then the Universe opened up, Being True was back. He told me he was intrigued with what I was saying and that we would meet at Cliffs Edge. So sitting at Cliffs Edge, dad walked off to give me space and I listened to Being True telling me, "I don't want to do this because I don't know if I can trust you but Who You Really Are wants to do this for you. And like that my consciousness was raised to a higher frequency and I could see everything more clearly. The fear was gone, the angst was gone. I saw what I needed and didn't need to do. I was connected with my higher self. My higher self told me that only I could do this because only I could feel the connection with my higher self and that I had to show myself something. And that is when I showed the being that I usually am when I am grounded that I just don't see things for what they really are. That Who I Am see's that I want the best but I just can't see what that is. So that's when I decided instead of continually trying to be True I was going to listen to my Higher Self and go from there. It was then that my Higher Self told me, "Just remember, life isn't all about being True. Listen to who you really are, it's not all True." I still don't understand that all the way and I think it was more that I said, "I never wanted myself to be completely True, that's why you are here." Because I wanted to live in this world and I am that connection to this world. It was as if I was being shown I have mission here. That only I can do. Because True Beings do not have dominion over this realm and in this realm of duality, if I leave it behind before it is ready then will have left the world behind.
That was when I learned that it was time to just start living as who I was. Not trying to change where I was at but just learning to keep growing at a healthy pace and listening to the guidance from who I really was and higher powers so that I could keep moving forward. I saw that even my doubts had a place in my life.
I know that I've learned more since those experiences but it also does remind me that I don't need to try so hard to be True, per se. But to REALLY be me. ME. Elizabeth Morgan. Nothing more or less. Just this girl, with these hands and this heart and see that I AM making a difference. I do feel like facing my shadow is important, though but I don't want to force something to happen that just isn't going to happen, right now. Or needs to. I am going to meditate on it some more and see what I get from this.
But last night I got the information: "To reintegrate my 'shadow' self I must be willing to look at my shortcomings with honesty and to change them. To change the shadow self is to change perception from duality to one whole. Perceiving life on a different frequency. The shadow self exists until there is no shadow thoughts. No hurt on myself or anyone else. This new way of living freedom. Some things only work if you believe in them."
I remember saying I knew this would take courage. And I do believe that. I also remember from my journey before that I needed to remember my consciousness was not that of who I really was but some place in between worlds. That the child was within but that was not my consciousness right then.
It seems wrong to stop trying to grow at all and just accept that I can't be more than I am, now. [in my mind it's like settling with being a serial killer and just killing] but I also can't keep trying tirelessly to force myself into something that just isn't working and that who I really am doesn't even want.
This is where real courage and wisdom comes in. It looks like I really AM facing the whole duality concept, tonight. Anyway, I wish you all good luck on your journey and I DO believe good luck will come to you if you put the effort out there. Keep heart friends, it's only beginning to become a dream.
All my love and life,
Eli
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