Just sit in the chair and see what comes out~

Where do I start? I haven't written in this blog in a little bit and I'm not sure if I've even posted in it since October started. Writing isn't always the easiest thing for me to do. I love it, writing. But I like to feel that the words I am sharing with the world are authentic to me and while one could say since I'm writing the damned words that's got to count for some sort of authenticity, I tend to want more from myself. I want to write from a place of...honesty, I guess. Where I'm not talking from behind a mask so that when I go back to read over it later there's only that much more veil-age to get passed.
With that being said I'm going to try and keep this as authentic as I possibly can. Maybe I should start off with a few questions;
Where do I feel I'm at in life right now? Am I happy with the path I am on? What changes would I like to see?

• I feel I am at a transition point in my life - I am relearning myself and setting up new ways to live. I am also still searching and so there is bit of chaos to that. I think I am struggling with my own personal fears to come to a place of  balance with myself and find my true direction.
• Yes and no. I am very happy with my efforts, outlooks and discoveries but I'm not happy with my indecisiveness and with my lack of perspective that I keep falling back into. 
• I want to be more confident in my own beliefs meaning that I can be steadfast in what I know in my heart while having the strength to be open and aware to outside sources of truth without totally losing my authority with my own energy. I want to find my direction and stick to it even if it alters a bit but I feel that will take confidence first to do. I'd like to see some healing of some wounds that I have so that I may move on with my life because at this moment there are still wounds I've not dealt with that are weighing heavy on my heart. 

In a nutshell, those are the answers to my questions and it will help me to see where I am at in my life. I have the issue with myself that I feel that while my intentions are good, I'm a very naive person and I'll settle with what feels right even though it's not the best thing for me. Growing up around brilliant people who at times I couldn't keep up with as well gave me a bit of an inferiority complex but I am beginning to see this whole issue a bit differently. I have my strong points and I have my weak points, the same applies for everyone else. When I was born, I was born into chaos. I made a mess of things but as my father says, "You really liked to experience things." I would climb on top of boxes as a small child, I growled and I would bite. But, I can have more chaos in my life and be okay. It's lacking the experience that really starts to choke out my soul. As I've gotten older I've definitely worked on better self discipline and not doing the first thing that 'feels good' to me. I know there's more to life then the simply instincts and while my intuition is strong it's not always tuning into my hearts call.
Tonight, I've got a knot in my stomach and off and on I'll feel anxiety or sadness. I may just be tapping into other's feelings but I think it's my own. I say this because it makes writing authentically from anything without the taint of these feelings leaking through a bit difficult. But again, I feel it's part of transitioning and/or facing some old wounds. Things are a' changing and denying that now would be useless for me.
But in the midst of all the chaos a still, small voice reminds me that I don't have to take all this in before I'm ready and to go at my own pace. It keep trying my best but to remember that it's not always good to rush things before I'm ready. My brain doesn't want to think anymore but at the same time I want to be in control. That's why I think it's time for me to have a break. Which I will give myself time to rejuvenate and get back up onto my feet again.
I've felt rather uncomfortable all day, as though there is something under my skin wriggling and writhing and every time I feel this; I just about scream out. It's almost disturbing but my head fogs over and I feel like I can't think. I've probably done too much thinking and too much talking. It really is time for Elizabeth to have a break.
It's going to be my 18th birthday on the 25th and I'm hoping I can go to the beach at some point in time before or after that. I know my mom sure wants to go.
It's now time for me to get some rest and I will write again when I think I should but for now it may just be on and off like this. Maybe that will change, soon.
 - Liz