Karmic Lesson

I think this is the first time in a while that I have posted twice in one night on my blog page. :] I'm kind of excited about getting twice the inspiration to post.
I was thinking about how karma works and the pointlessness of looking down on someone. Karma has made it very obvious to me that whenever I look down on someone or I think "that's wrong" - it's a completely different story when I experience it myself. We have our own perspectives and experiences and until we, ourselves, are in the consciousness - we cannot judge. A person is always doing the best they can at the state that they are at. It actually made more sense to me again when Charis told me, "When people don't like or accept something about you, it's something they don't like or accept about themselves." I would say that a more accurate way to say it would be, "When someone doesn't like something about you or accept something about you, it's something that wouldn't accept about themselves." BUT - when I went through my experience last year, I remember that everything I was judging other people about and I thought was wrong was currently something I did not like about myself or couldn't accept about myself. It kind of makes me see that maybe I'm supposed to be more concerned with my own workings then what others are doing. Maybe I should focus on letting them be exactly who and how they are without judging them or telling them they are wrong [WOW, that's a hard one xP But it's worth it and worth the try]. If I get angry or feel I have been wronged, I will do my best not to take it out on them and attack them. Yes, I think there is a time and a place for that. I do believe in defending what is precious and standing one's ground. I also think that if I can do more of that, than when I do stand my ground I will not be looking down on them but doing my best to be true to myself. There will be time to set boundaries and maybe even times to fight but the less I perpetuate guilt, the better. I can try asking myself in each situation, how would I treat myself in this situation?  Would I think it okay to tear myself down? Maybe I can place my hand over my heart and invite the heart grace into the situation. I won't strive for perfection but just to be aware that the other person is "me". And true love is for everyone, everywhere always and forever.

Elizabeth

An Angel

Am I writing this now because I miss him? That, I cannot say for certain. I want to write a story based off our experience. Why? I want something that makes it more real than my memories. Memories fade, they grow old. How does one go about letting go of those special things.
The bad things in our lives pass away with time and so do the good. We pass away with time. I am not the same girl I was five minutes ago, we are constantly changing. This life is not something you can hold onto forever. In this life, there is no such thing as forever. So is it useless of me to write a story of such a thing? The only thing I can promise forever is love. One day - Elizabeth won't exist. Maybe this soul will and this spirit. But even the soul is another container for life and consciousness [which I seem to believe are the same thing]
I love it, experiencing this. I also dread parts of it. Wishing not to let go. Just like if I were to keep someone from dying when it were there time...There spirit would fade, they would droop. Or holding onto a relationship when it's time to let it go...It fades, it droops. Death is as much a part of life. And without the two - they become obsolete. I don't experience eternity as much as I experience my memories and the future. Or these feelings that stay in my heart. What would we be if we never anticipated the future and always let go of the past? We wouldn't even be able to live here.
It's hard to let him go. If there was "the one" - it was him. But I doubt that exists - not in that way. Life is more complicated. Yet, that's not really it, either. We weren't fated, heck, it seemed to be the opposite. In fact, that was kind of my thing back then...doing what was said couldn't be done. Especially when it came to love. Love was free...it couldn't be bound, I would say. It could do anything. But, even then, I knew it could not be controlled no matter how much I wanted to. Because it IS free...no one can capture. It comes and goes as it pleases. There is no master over love. All one has is the ability to make choices and their dance with the higher power.
I remember the feelings that were there. It was pure and filled with innocence. I definitely crave it still. But beyond craving it, I can hear, "How can one experience such a thing and then be left to go back to life without it?"
I was connected to him in a way I've never connected with anyone, [no until last year that is]. I find myself naturally drawn back to him. Like a beautiful flower you can't help but watch. Though, this is where the choice is mine. I choose not to. Not when I know so little and when there are so many things that go against who I am, right now. Both of us could get very hurt.
Have I honestly completely and totally given up? No way. And I will love him for as long as I live and this soul lives. For eternity love will be with him for as long as he exists.
I think some people are special in a person's life. Everyone is important but there are some people who really stick out to you. They are the shooting start in your sky that catch your attention. Are they more important? No, they are just precious to who you are. They remind you of the love that always exists and is with you - unconditionally.

Thank-you, Kirene, for existing. And when I reached out my hand, you reached yours out to mine. It's okay I don't know everything about you and that I can't be with you in that sort of way, right now. I know who you are in truth. I know who you will always be to me. Thank-you, for everything. Thank-you, Universe. It's in these nights that I know beyond a shadow of doubt - you are an Angel. You have always been able to see the Sun that lives inside this human being called Elizabeth.

 “Your mind is right now filled with old thoughts. Not only old thoughts, but mostly someone else’s old thoughts. It’s important now, it’s time now, to change your mind about some things. This is what evolution is all about.” —Neale Donald Walsch

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bThv-tdjK74

- Elizabeth  

Gratitude

As I grow, this hunger and ache for truth and meaning is being replaced with an unending amount of gratitude. 
My fears, sorrows and things I regretted. Things that I hoped one day I'd get passed....Never in my wildest dreams would I think I would be saying wholeheartedly, "Thank-you."

I leave you with the lyrics of this song to meditate upon -

How 'bout getting off these antibiotics
How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up
How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots
How 'bout that ever elusive kudos

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How 'bout me not blaming you for everything
How 'bout me enjoying the moment for once
How 'bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How 'bout taking you upon your support

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How 'bout professing just how much you love me
How 'bout taking him up on a back-massage
How 'bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How 'bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How 'bout no longer being masochistic
How 'bout remembering your divinity
How 'bout reflecting each-other in our last splendor
How 'bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you clarity
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

-Alanis Morissette - Thank-you

Trusting the Universe

It's funny actually what inspired me to write this post. I tend to misplace my cell phone. How this happens, I'm not exactly sure. Last night, I set an alarm on my phone so that I could remember to set my intentions since tonight is the new moon.
This is why I was kind of confused as to why I could not find my phone when it should be ringing off the hook [technically can't use that term anymore since it's a cellphone xP]. But it wasn't, it was completely silent.
Next, I went to checking my email inbox because I did a little shopping last night on some left over money I had. I had spent all night last night looking around and getting excited over various different things. It's rare that I shop for clothing items but I wanted to splurge and I felt like it was time to jazz up my style a little.
Anyway, I was a little upset this morning because the ear wrap [it's like a type of earrings except it wraps around your ears - it's good for people who don't have pierced eyes. I do have pierced ear, I just like them]
that I had ordered was said to be cancelled. It was aggravating to me because it was one of my favorite ear wraps and I had spent so long looking through all of them to find the perfect one. I sent an email to the sender asking why it was being cancelled. After that I found myself thinking, "I WILL get that ear wrap. Hopefully it's just some kind of mishap because I really want those ear wraps!"
Something popped into my head - Charis talking about how she had missed an appointment with a client by accident and how she felt upset with herself about it at first. Going so far as to beat herself up about it. But then she stopped and thought, "Oh yeah! I TRUST the universe." That's when it dawned on her that if it was suppose to happen it would have and that everything was always working out in divine order. A trivial as me getting upset over an ear wrap seems - I have felt off lately, as you know. I've been worried about what to do with my future and blah, ect. So it was my turn for it to dawn on me that I would get that ear wrap if it was in my divine interest and if it wasn't, I could plead all I want but it ain't comin', honey. Ha!
So, I found myself thinking about how the universe is ME and I wouldn't do anything to myself that I didn't think was best for me. But I sometimes it's hard to think of the "outside" world as a part of myself. I got that doubtful feeling of wonder. "Does the universe REALLY have my best interest at heart? How the heck do I even know I'm so intricately a part of it? That it's all a reflection of myself?"
As I am thinking this, I had a bottle of lotion in my hand and I dropped it beneath the couch. Reaching down without looking I pick my phone up instead. I smile, I couldn't help it. It was so "coincidental" for me to find my phone that way and especially when I was thinking about trusting the Universe. If that wasn't the Universe , I don't know what it was. I found it in divine timing and the Universe helped me to find it, even. It seems small but it was a reminder that everything is working out in divine order and I can trust the Universe.
I began watching a video on youtube about 2012 and the amazing changes that are happening. It spoke of the huge impact meditation has and that's when I realized all the answers I'll ever need are here within me. All I need to do is listen and meditate on what to do next. But the most important part was trust. It's not blind faith. It's believing in the Universe. And you can only trust when you believe. That's how I reach out to my higher power. Thank-you, Universe for opening my eyes to this. I love you, so much.

Elizabeth

If it doesn't kill you

So, I'm at it again. Why do I keep getting this depression? Anyway, I'm just thinking about the future. It's time for me to start looking - to do something. There is so much I could do...so many paths. I don't even know how to begin.
I think of all the possibilities. Some our based upon fear and some our hopeful wishes. Last night I thought to myself, "What if I don't need to find the meaning of life, anymore? What if there is meaning, right here, right now. No matter what I decide to do. It's here. So what is that I TRULY want to do? What is real to me?"
But that fearful place in my heart warns me not to go too far. I'm one of those people who dares to believe in the most ridiculous things. Things that even people who believe in the impossible would think is insane.
I want to. I want to believe my dreams can come true and that I can change lives...I can make an impact. No matter what I am doing - whether I am speaking to millions or just peacefully walking this Earth without a sound.
I don't want to leave the magic of life. 
Do you know what I'm actually talking about? It's that little sparkle that life has. Where you're just grateful to "be". You know, nothing really matters what happens but life is amazing. Even when it's raining and your heart is hurting like hell. You're just happy to even exist. I don't want a life that I can't feel and be a part of. I don't want to numb myself out of this life. I want so much to be present and to remember how very special it is to me. No matter what I'm doing. :] Even if I'm just sitting here watching tv with my best friend and eating pop corn.
"Being happy is not what you want. Whenever you are really happy you will always strive for perfection. But what you want is to be present. Through the pain and the fear - to truly be here."
To truly be here and to be true to me. It's okay if I take small steps. There is a fire in my heart and I want to spread it like the "wild fyeah" I am. Doesn't mean I have to get consumed by the flames. Maybe let it guide me some and to channel it when the time is right but if I'm not careful it'll burn me right up.
Intensity is what I'm talking about. But there's a time and place for everything - even the slow and "lull" times. I can appreciate these times as moments for rest and for peace. Maybe a little self reflection but too much can make me feel morbid.
"Emotions are a terrible master." Isn't that the truth. Good guides but terrible master.
I want to start writing again - not sure how to start, though. Guess I just have to start somewhere - huh?

Elizabeth

Love lingers

I discovered the truth that I've been looking for. She exists. Let me explain a little. As you remember from my earlier post - I was going through a little bit of a heart struggle and it had been bringing me down. I'm not sure if I've said it before but the journey I have been on is a bit of self exploration one. I stopped my 7 year relationship with Kirene. Was it because I was unhappy? Not really. Yes, there was times that I felt lonely and I felt restless because there was so much I still did not know. But the biggest reason was because I needed to become a whole woman on my own. 

I felt peace, unending joy and confidence with him. There was a precious love that lifted me from any depths. And there was this tender lover which arose from me. Me, the girl who spent so many years being spunky and almost tom boyish. Even in my "girly" moments, there was a dominant attitude that took over. Or if I was feeling girly...It was shy and a bit insecure. But this part of me was deep within me. "The sleeping Princess." She is gentle, she is my heart and yet she has more strength and dexterity than the rest of me. In fact, she's feels like the most genuine part of myself at times. 

I needed to know that if I were to walk away from this man - that woman would still exist. I couldn't create her...she just had to be there. I need to find my genuine joy, peace and confidence from within. I want to share this with a partner one day and not have it being sourced from them. I could no longer use someone as a crutch. 

Well, these feelings that had been coming over me the passed few days kind of "cracked" passed my hard shell. And there I was connected to her again. Last night I wrote three letters to three different people. It was like my heart just opened up and I felt what to say. I spoke my truth and yet my love was very clear. She does still exist. And because of this, it only validates the journey I am on even more. 

I was able to stay true to myself despite visions and instructions of "someone needing my help". The way I see it is, I have to be true to myself because I have nothing really to offer if I do not. This gives me confidence that I really will follow my heart and what it tells me is the truth even in moments when everything else feels a certain way. 

Like the other night I had an interaction with a spirit and it just felt right. But my mind was telling me this wasn't true to me and that I needed to stop. In the future I plan to listen to this, atleast until I know more. No promises on that one, though. One can only pray. xP

Elizabeth 

What to do?

It's been a while since I've posted but I really felt it was time to sit down and write. I am actually going through something that has me on edge, right now. But really, I feel like it is a culmination of many things that have happened with me, recently.
It's like it's all piling up to that breaking over point. Recently, some good friends have left my life - even a relative who I would have never thought would leave. But I would say that I processed it fairly well.
Yet, this one incident has sent that belief on the fringe. I can't say that I am totally alone because I am well aware of the fact that I have some really wonderful and caring people in my life.

How can I deal with this situation appropriately? I've learned that sometimes it's important just to act but in this one I am afraid to do that. Someone I cared about made me feel attacked and abused without a care of my well being. The way she acted, scares me. I heard the thoughts in my head, "You're not worth it." I can't stand to think on it too much. To think about how others see me or to be treated that way.
I want to step into her shoes and think of why and how I would act like she did. I want to understand and then understand what I would do if I realized from my own perspective what I had done. I want to be true to myself.
I don't want to speak my mind to her because I am afraid of something happening like it did the other day. I am physically sick now from the stress and the pain it triggered was almost too much for me to take. I don't know why it has triggered what it has but I am unable to make myself vulnerable again. And speaking my truth means that she may lash out at me. I hurt just thinking about it. I don't want to be lashed out at anymore.

But guess what, I am opening up to my truth - to the healing that may or may not come.

I will recline for the night, now. I'd rather not say anymore because I don't want to use this space to complain .
I am grateful even through this fear.
Elizabeth

I read this quote, "Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer." ~Joseph Campbell
Hmm....