So, I'm at it again. Why do I keep getting this depression? Anyway, I'm just thinking about the future. It's time for me to start looking - to do something. There is so much I could do...so many paths. I don't even know how to begin.
I think of all the possibilities. Some our based upon fear and some our hopeful wishes. Last night I thought to myself, "What if I don't need to find the meaning of life, anymore? What if there is meaning, right here, right now. No matter what I decide to do. It's here. So what is that I TRULY want to do? What is real to me?"
But that fearful place in my heart warns me not to go too far. I'm one of those people who dares to believe in the most ridiculous things. Things that even people who believe in the impossible would think is insane.
I want to. I want to believe my dreams can come true and that I can change lives...I can make an impact. No matter what I am doing - whether I am speaking to millions or just peacefully walking this Earth without a sound.
I don't want to leave the magic of life.
Do you know what I'm actually talking about? It's that little sparkle that life has. Where you're just grateful to "be". You know, nothing really matters what happens but life is amazing. Even when it's raining and your heart is hurting like hell. You're just happy to even exist. I don't want a life that I can't feel and be a part of. I don't want to numb myself out of this life. I want so much to be present and to remember how very special it is to me. No matter what I'm doing. :] Even if I'm just sitting here watching tv with my best friend and eating pop corn.
"Being happy is not what you want. Whenever you are really happy you will always strive for perfection. But what you want is to be present. Through the pain and the fear - to truly be here."
To truly be here and to be true to me. It's okay if I take small steps. There is a fire in my heart and I want to spread it like the "wild fyeah" I am. Doesn't mean I have to get consumed by the flames. Maybe let it guide me some and to channel it when the time is right but if I'm not careful it'll burn me right up.
Intensity is what I'm talking about. But there's a time and place for everything - even the slow and "lull" times. I can appreciate these times as moments for rest and for peace. Maybe a little self reflection but too much can make me feel morbid.
"Emotions are a terrible master." Isn't that the truth. Good guides but terrible master.
I want to start writing again - not sure how to start, though. Guess I just have to start somewhere - huh?
Elizabeth
No comments:
Post a Comment