Am I writing this now because I miss him? That, I cannot say for certain. I want to write a story based off our experience. Why? I want something that makes it more real than my memories. Memories fade, they grow old. How does one go about letting go of those special things.
The bad things in our lives pass away with time and so do the good. We pass away with time. I am not the same girl I was five minutes ago, we are constantly changing. This life is not something you can hold onto forever. In this life, there is no such thing as forever. So is it useless of me to write a story of such a thing? The only thing I can promise forever is love. One day - Elizabeth won't exist. Maybe this soul will and this spirit. But even the soul is another container for life and consciousness [which I seem to believe are the same thing]
I love it, experiencing this. I also dread parts of it. Wishing not to let go. Just like if I were to keep someone from dying when it were there time...There spirit would fade, they would droop. Or holding onto a relationship when it's time to let it go...It fades, it droops. Death is as much a part of life. And without the two - they become obsolete. I don't experience eternity as much as I experience my memories and the future. Or these feelings that stay in my heart. What would we be if we never anticipated the future and always let go of the past? We wouldn't even be able to live here.
It's hard to let him go. If there was "the one" - it was him. But I doubt that exists - not in that way. Life is more complicated. Yet, that's not really it, either. We weren't fated, heck, it seemed to be the opposite. In fact, that was kind of my thing back then...doing what was said couldn't be done. Especially when it came to love. Love was free...it couldn't be bound, I would say. It could do anything. But, even then, I knew it could not be controlled no matter how much I wanted to. Because it IS free...no one can capture. It comes and goes as it pleases. There is no master over love. All one has is the ability to make choices and their dance with the higher power.
I remember the feelings that were there. It was pure and filled with innocence. I definitely crave it still. But beyond craving it, I can hear, "How can one experience such a thing and then be left to go back to life without it?"
I was connected to him in a way I've never connected with anyone, [no until last year that is]. I find myself naturally drawn back to him. Like a beautiful flower you can't help but watch. Though, this is where the choice is mine. I choose not to. Not when I know so little and when there are so many things that go against who I am, right now. Both of us could get very hurt.
Have I honestly completely and totally given up? No way. And I will love him for as long as I live and this soul lives. For eternity love will be with him for as long as he exists.
I think some people are special in a person's life. Everyone is important but there are some people who really stick out to you. They are the shooting start in your sky that catch your attention. Are they more important? No, they are just precious to who you are. They remind you of the love that always exists and is with you - unconditionally.
Thank-you, Kirene, for existing. And when I reached out my hand, you reached yours out to mine. It's okay I don't know everything about you and that I can't be with you in that sort of way, right now. I know who you are in truth. I know who you will always be to me. Thank-you, for everything. Thank-you, Universe. It's in these nights that I know beyond a shadow of doubt - you are an Angel. You have always been able to see the Sun that lives inside this human being called Elizabeth.
“Your mind is right now filled with old thoughts. Not only old thoughts, but mostly someone else’s old thoughts. It’s important now, it’s time now, to change your mind about some things. This is what evolution is all about.” —Neale Donald Walsch
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bThv-tdjK74
- Elizabeth
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