So tonight I feel drained and a just little bit pissed. But It's not so bad. Yeah, mom is right, I need to feel what I feel. I felt maybe I spoke a little to hastily. I was angry at my dad but jesus I don't want to send any negative energy his way.
Not just that but the fact that I'd been there even if it wasn't with drinking. I was in so much pain and I knew there were things I had to stop doing but I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't give some part of myself up because I thought what waited on the other side was my destruction. Truthfully, it was fear. It's always fear. I know what's like to have the shittiest esteem and to be brought down by all kinds of addictions. NO. I don't support it and I understand why other people would be upset but judging does scare me at times. I hear my hearts judgement come back, breathing down my throat. Smiling at every little mistake I make. I know I need to let it go. I know, I know. I need to do, do. And I see that with my father, God, I wish. I just want him to be happy, I just want him to be okay.
I know the beautiful man that he is and I love him. I'm not even mad, I'm just scared. I want to hold him and tell him everything will be okay but I know it won't be if he doesn't choose something differently. I remember my dad saying, "I knew God was alright if he saved my baby."
That's how I feel right now. I want my papa to be more then okay. I want him to shine. No more hate, no more tears for the hope that feels gone, no more. But more laughter and truth seeking. I have to let go of the hold that judgement has in my own heart and the chains it immediately wraps around me.
I send you all my love. You fell down, yes. But your not the man you think you are. You're so much more then that. I know that because I know you. When did our gets so closed? How did it fucking happen? When I am with my peers I have so much trouble relating and then sometimes I just don't even know what to say. They curse constantly, hate other people and treat everything like a joke. "Where's your boyfriend? He's not here? Oh, then break up with him." After FIVE minutes of meeting this person. I felt so pissed off about this. WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT?! I am feeling angry at people which is okay. It's natural but I will let it slip out of my energy like a bad drug and then I will clean myself up and get back up. Up again. I feel angry because I've been doing so good and here I go again. Kinda' might feel like dad does, right now. Like, Man...I was doing so damn good and here I am 'gain. I know it's a natural part of life but I feel like I'm missing something about all of this. The stronger I feel I am getting, the harder it is to deal with the fall back into darker places. I am going to keep looking and listening though, genuinely. I know it's not about judgement. We ALL grow how we do. Just simple as that. I see that with my mind. Am I blaming others when it's me who has the heart of cold person? When I'm the one being all freaking negative. Man, I don't want to give all the control to the world anyway. Man there is a lot floatin' about but think it's important to see what I'm responsible for. I know I curse some but I'm so tired of hearing it. And it's my fault too. I am letting it get to me. Time to stop and just let the feelings pass through me without strengthening them. Good night.
-Eli
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