I believed for so long my friend was silent because she didn't trust me. Because she didn't feel close to me. That I wasn't good enough. But I think of all the days I know she suffered so badly and I was only able to smile at her and ask her, "Are you okay?" She would tell me she was and so I would have to keep being happy with her as she would smile with all her might. I think she felt so guilty for the years she depended on me and showed me so much of her pain. She couldn't stand seeing me in pain. I know because I can't stand seeing her in pain over me. To see her cry because of me, that hurts like a fire melting my heart. When I heard how she sobbed over me when I went through that stuff I know why she closed up even more. Why she smiled even more. Why she didn't let herself become dependent on me. Because she loves me so damn much. She wanted me to be able to smile in my own heart because I saw her smile and she didn't want it to weigh me down. For all those silent moments, I'm thankful. I'm thankful for the strength of such love from such a girl. The lioness.
She has the heart of a lion. No matter what happens, nothing will change her fierce loyalty, truth of the heart or the kindness of her being. Because she truly is a lion heart. My best friend. At times I would call her my soul mate, I would even question what sort of love I held for her. I know everyone else on the friggin planet did about us but I do feel we are sisters in our hearts. So dear to one another. We are literally sisters. Always believing in one another. My heart soars when I see the Emily I know, deep inside my heart.
Two girls, pure at heart. wanting to share a kindness with the world and both our smiles light up this darkness here. And it's together we find a comfort that we've never known anywhere else. Because it's the sound of her laughter that life is simply okay, again. We are truly best friends and I will always remember those years of endless cheer. Through the fights and the tears, we built together a friendship of truth. I know now that even when I doubt, we truly have become strong together. And like we said to each other before, "Just remember that no matter what we love each other and never to doubt that." I don't. I don't doubt you, Emily. I am always so afraid to lose you. But that is not possible. I feel you in my heart. I feel all the one's I love, with me. By my side. Ever waiting for me to remember their love to share my own love for them. We are a family, we are not alone and the love we all share is boundless. It is endless, it is eternal. It is the freedom I've always searched for.
I remember asking myself, "By do I feel like I have to have it my way?" and my answer was, because you want to keep the bird caged. And that is why, I want my birdie to fly free. Just as I had done so with my own heart. It is time to release her to be all that she is without any expectation to love the hell out of that girl, no matter what happens between us. I'm not afraid like I used to be. We are eternal love. I am not afraid of her fears or my own. We are free. And I know that our love is sacred. No matter what it is she chooses or what I choose. Thank-you the God's that may be for giving me the gift of her friendship. I am happy to have ever lived with such people in my life. No. It hasn't been in my life it's been living IN my heart. It has fashioned hope right out of thin air.
I am in love with all of you. Thank-you, you sweetest hearts. I will always love you all. It's because of you all that I believe in miracles. And so, fly free, birdie's. Be who you are to be and remember that I eternally love you. No matter where your heart is led to.
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