What is loneliness?

So there is one thing that has truly changed - my friends that once were are no longer the same to me. The love I feel for them has not changed but out relationships have. One, I don't speak with, the other ignores me, and then there is on that I feel I can no longer trust and I realized that I expected something from her that no human can give me. Breaking the dependency I had on her, was the hardest one of all. There is deep love for all of these girls and even now I don't wish to stop being their friends but I want it on my own terms and I want to let them be free to be who they are. That makes me feel very lonely. I am on such a different path, right now. 

I don't care about the things I used to care about and I don't want the same things I used to want. How can I blame them for being somewhere different? I voluntarily chose this path. I even let my old romantic relationship go so that I could rediscover myself in that area. I want to know that I can be who I want to be if I am in a relationship with him and I'm not there, right now. I feel I'd use him passed my own limits. I love him, I do not want to misuse our love. 

But not I feel that I am 'walking a lonely road'. I am not as lonely as I thought I would be since I do in some ways feel surrounded by angels. And I also have many grown up friends of whom I trust dearly and have been relying on, lately.

I remember a few months ago when I first face losing all the friendships I'd once relied on and how scared I felt. Well, in some ways it has happened but not in the way I thought it was going happen. I will say, it is still scary and it has definitely hurt. It has also tested my own love and forgiveness for myself since it is so easy to slip into a feeling of guilt with these situations. How many times have I wanted to force my way back into their lives and work to make things the way I wanted them to be? 

A part of me feels like I am not being honest by not telling them how I want things to be but I have tried before and sometimes there really is a time to let it be and let someone go in peace. I don't want to cause an issue when the issue is just in my own heart now. I will let them go their own way in peace.

Doing that scares me because I know that unless something changes in them, they really will leave in peace and maybe even forget me on their way. It's scarier this way but I no longer want to cause others pain when it is not necessary. I know in truth I'd probably never be REALLY forgotten by them. But there is something scary about knowing that someone can let you go and move on with their life happily. It's not that I do not wish happiness for them but I guess it makes me feel like I don't mean much to them. And then this makes me question my own heart. Should I trust again? Should I risk the loss, again? I know what I've gained but what have I lost? 

I don't want to live a life depending on others but what is a life without others? I used to say such bold words to these friends of mine and not that I'm actually living it out I just feel empty. I do not feel empowered, right now. 

I know I have not stopped loving them and that will never happen but our paths are parting and it's always going to be a little bit sad. Especially when I feel like there is only emptiness left with. The world feels silent and I just want a friend. I've not been friendless for seven years. And even then, there were only short periods where I didn't have a close friend. I have people I can go to. But there is no one my age right now that I can speak to.

I expect this to be scary to me so I'm not really complaining because I'm sure I can also grow from this experience and maybe it'll help me to be stronger on my own. I don't like being SO dependent on other people. I'm hoping I can work to help me feel more confident in myself. 

Again, I am grateful for every moment I've spent with any friend but I know also, everything in this life changes. So I will not try to stop this from happening but I will turn with it. I am loved and loving. 

This is my truest comfort in these moments; knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that I am not alone.

AND! On a more positive note, I am very excited about the life set out ahead of me and the fact that so many things are leaving my life but they are also releasing the restraints on me. While this may be a bit painful and force me to face some things about myself, I really feel my life is changing for the better. 

Thank-you, beloved I AM. 

-Elizabeth, always with love  

Priorities straightened.

So, if my last few posts haven't been evident enough, I've been a little overwhelmed recently. I've come to believe it may partially be because I am unbalanced.
Let me explain, one : I am sick. Why am I sick? Because lately I have been staying up far later then I need to. Why is this? I am always thinking - so involved in life and being part of it.
I would have recovered my illness over the weekend but the day before school I spent almost all the day talking on the phone and socializing. And then I went hoarse! I've hardly been able to speak all day but in some ways, I think this is a good thing. I'm trying to listen now, instead of speaking. In fact, yesterday, I felt that I was talking so much but not really saying what I wanted to say. I'm going to try and be silent more and speak when I feel I really know what I'm saying. I have millions of thoughts in my head, it's easy for me to ramble but there is something lighter about just listening and truly hearing. The world seems a different place.
Secondly: My school is far behind. I have no motivation whatsoever to do it. It's like my brain can't even wrap around the most simple things. I feel like I am pulling teeth but today I made myself do it.
Three: I've not been tending to my chores as much or to exercising and keeping my body healthy. And while my mind is in spiritual matters, I am not really sticking to any sort of routine.
The basics of my life are lacking and without a foundation how can I ever move forward? I have been so consumed in my contemplation that I've forgotten just to live. I will admit that I feel there is literally something else I want to be doing with my time and I wish I could be out on my own doing whatever that is but I want to work for it not have it handed to my on a silver platter.
I think it would be important for me to spend more time on the basics then ALL my time in contemplation. I'd already come to this conclusion but it's what I do when I'm feeling lost. And I have been feeling lost. It's hard for me to trust God. To trust that there is one. I spent many years of my life believing that, that was a cop out and that even if there is a creator it wasn't a being I could interact with. The problem is, I love God. I feel so happy and I felt so happy when I feel God in my life. It's all about love, right? I keep telling myself over and over like a mantra, God is just like a parent. But that's not what God is to me, God is everything. I remember seeing the Lion sun and the Mother moon and those were my parents. Yet, I have seen God in all of those I love and more. But that makes it so hard for me to understand, that infinite connection. Like I said, it's hard for me to have faith in it or to believe and I think that has put me in a difficult place as a Believer.
I've not been practicing my ascended masters teachings either and that I can't really explain why. It's just like I can't stand feeling like I could possibly be trapping myself into something that might not be working. But I've always said that if it makes me happy and it matters to me then that's all that matters. Yet, right now, since I'm having trouble, that doesn't matter to me. I take what I can from it and learn, I keep reminding myself that.
I think there is a part of me that just wants a break. I want to live to the fullest but I don't want every day to be like pushing a bolder through a snow storm.
So I'm going to try and start with the basics and move on up. I'll try to ignore that digging feeling that I need to be living a certain way and remember that this is MY life and I should be able to live it however I want to.
I need to get my license, so I am trying to find that book which can tell me the enigma of the freaking emergency break. No, it isn't putting it in neutral and then letting a roll back a little while stopping it with the e brake. I remember my instructor clearly saying, "What are you doing?!" And that's all I've gotten online. I'll figure it out, though. I'm a smart cookie. After I get that I will start my search for a job and I already have a few places in mind. Now that I am 18 my chances of getting one are far greater then when I was no considered a legal adult, yet.
I want to stay focused on my school work and get that out of the way. I don't know what I want to 'do' with my life yet. I don't know about career, I don't know about location or if I want to school. I am not at that point yet and I won't force myself. I'm going to keep my eyes open but I'm not in a big rush. I still have plenty of time to figure it all out. Though, I would like to hurry up and start living on my own and just seeing how it is to live as an adult. I would like to gain that experience.
I think I'd also have far less time to think about all this craziness if I applied myself more into my life even if it doesn't seem like turn of the century entertainment. I just kept thinking about kids who live in a world where they starve every day and they have no clothes...They will never afford to go to school and many of the live and die alone. I would call myself a monster for ever asking for more if I didn't remember that it's hard for me to even comprehend a world like that. I've never seen anything like it, never experienced anything like it.
Mother is right, I've lived a fairly easy life. No, not emotionally but I can't even say it is anything in comparison to my friends. Father killed himself or father killed mother...God, I can't even imagine it. And when I can, I feel only great respect for those who go through what they do because I know I wouldn't be so strong.
I guess I say all this to say I could at least see the suffering they go through and not waste what they would do anything to have and then maybe I can even be of a benefit to them, to help them. How can I be so concerned with my own affairs when they are over there starving to death? I can't and won't just detach myself from reality anymore. I've got to find a way to help and I know I can.
And I'll take it one day at a time. Blessings to all of you,
love and light - nemaste

-Liz

Voices from a submerged sea-

I think I really don't know much about being in love. It's the one part of my life that still doesn't always add up. It's like I'm split in two by it.
I wanted this to be about love - and I don't want to let him go. It's true, I don't. I feel alone, now. And a part of me wants to. So that I can know that I can still be happy on my own and then I wonder if I'm afraid not to be alone. I also don't want to be dependent on others for my happiness.
But what has the become about? Letting go of someone for what reason? He was my sun, always put a smile on my face and without him some how I feel everything is harder. I don't want to put that pressure on anyone's shoulders. I don't think I'd be good for him and vice versa. Our love is beautiful and has changed my life for good. It's given me belief. That love is immortal, I believe but what is it that I'm trying to let go of? Obviously I can't let our love go even if I wanted to.
I'm letting him go, I'm trying to let him be free and it hurts because I held onto him. He was this warm place in my heart. And now it depends on me. I have to be my own light, my own warm place. And I want to have a guard when it comes to other men. Because I don't trust myself with them or what could happen to me. I'm spoiled in some sense of the word when it comes to relationships. I don't want to become dependent like I did with him on anyone else. I don't want to believe in 'the one' anymore. People are just people and I love them when I can but it doesn't change with the person. Yet, he was that person that I did that with at times. Just like others would do to me. They thought I was the perfect person for them. But it's just because I was aware of my light and it was the same for him.
I did truly love him, though. Despite all the mix up and whatever else. It hurts to think I might be hurting him but I want to release him from my heart so he can be free and be happy. I want freedom but there are so many paths and I feel I know little about love & life, after all.
I don't know what it is that I want and if it's even close to what I need. I'm feeling like that blackhole, again. I don't want to talk to anyone and suck them in with me. I know I'm not alone but I also know I don't want to be dependent on others to make my decisions or help me feel secure.
I relinquish him - I will not hold onto him like a life jacket. Our love means way too much for me to do that. I release him from my heart and like a bird from cage, I let him fly free.
And in this, I am also free-

Liz

I am who I choose to be.

So after what I had talked about earlier I woke up with insight.
Who am I? I am me. I am who I choose to be. The science of my soul, it may reveal answers but who I really am is love. I'm not different in any way that truly counts then others. I may be more aware but this is what I feel is truth to my core. I am Elizabeth Morgan and what really matters is that, that name is my name here and now. The person I am NOW is all that I am. Now is the only time I know.
Where did I come from? I came from my mother and father. But I wanted more from that answer...I felt like saying, "No...before that." Well, I believe I'll know all about that sort of past one day or at least once I pass the veil. But what matters truly is here and now. I came from the same place every other creature did, life. That's what I've come to believe so far. I still do want to know about my past, where I came from in conjunction to the rest of the crowd but it shouldn't stall my growth or being able to live my life.
Why am I here? So far I know it's to love and to be free, to be me. If there is something more specific then I will trust my higher self which holds knowledge of all the questions I've been asking to relay this to me when I need to know it.

Trust. I would like to trust myself more. Trust that I will know what to do whether it be giving a smile to a strange or doing something on a larger scale. I want to make a big difference and I can feel that intensity within me but I also don't want to forget to just live and be me. For whatever reason, this is my home right now and that's all that matters. This moment, here and now.

I still want to keep my eyes peeled but I don't want to forget my life in the process.

~
I was thinking about life and all the different forms it comes in. And how easy it would be to see all the huge differences in perception and everything else that pushes on another apart. Even between the human species, we have different cultures, religions, races and genders. We've got different ages, mental capacities and preferences. But something brings us all together...And not just humans but plants, animals...everything. It's like it see's passed all of it and see's the real us. I think it's love. It helps you to see from someone else's perspective and not to be too quick to jump to conclusions about something you don't understand. Without love, how can any of us live without constant fear of one another or even ourselves?
~
I want to make my own choices. I don't want to leave things up to fate and what I'm 'destined' to be or do. If there is anything that has been planned it must ring true with who I really am for it to be something that I choose. After all, I AM the one who makes the choices, I should listen to my own wisdom before jumping forward.
 

-Liz

The choices I face and finding a path to walk down-

So today I have been thinking about choices. With everything I do there are many different choices which if played would have certain consequences whether I considered them good or bad consequences. I've come to realize there is no 'right' or 'wrong' choice. And following your heart isn't always the only way to go. "Promise me you follow your heart wherever it takes you. Trust it, will you do that?" - "The tough thing about following your heart is what people forget to mention; sometimes your heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. And sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending. And that's not even the difficult part...The difficult part is, when you follow your heart you leave normal, you go into the unknown." -Taken from the show, Roswell
And I've also learned that sometimes when you think that you are following your heart you're just listening to the 'loudest' desire. In ways, you are following your heart. But the heart seems to be more complex then a cookie cutter answer.
For example, let's take my job choices in mind. I could be a writer, I've written since I was a little girl and I love it and have gotten much feedback from it. I could be an artist, I've been doing art since I could pick up a drawing utensil and I've gotten much feedback from it. I could be an artist, I have a natural talent for it and have already gotten hired for small parts. The list goes on with zoologist, psychologist, biologist, mission work...ect. And then there is that part of me that wants to search for answers. So I'd probably join some sort of investigations unit but I might even just go do rogue work. 
I can see the struggles and the benefits of all of these jobs or choices but I can't decide on one. I am so creative that would be a waste and painful not to use that in some way, especially when I am SO gifted with it. I know if I continued down the path of living life to it's fullest, being truly happy and free that I would go do something creative and I could share my light with the world. Why be selfish, right?
But then there is something else within me that has this undeniable interest in answering these questions, "Who am I really? Where DID I come from? And why am I here?" Other questions like, "Was I here before? Have I been to other places before...Why did I choose to embody on Earth?" There are times that when I lose focus of the more simplistic life here on earth and start to see the grander scheme, I realize in some ways I feel like I am relearning things here that I already know. So why did I come? I know there is a purpose. 
I guess...it's like I don't want to be just another cog in the wheel. I feel there is something even MORE that I have to offer. But, I've asked myself countless times if I'm just some overly insecure girl that I have to believe there is more then what I've been going after. That there is something 'different' with me. 
Since I was a little girl, I've always felt this way. Different from everyone else. It's not that I didn't love them or know that inside we're really all the same[so it seems to me so far]. But there was this knowing that I was alien here. 
But why?! And now I have decided to go on a path where I will stop asking those questions and just live for love. It's what's in my heart that really matters, I KNOW who I am. And yet there is still this unbearable desire to answer those questions above. The drive can only be explained by two words: something more. I don't even know if I can trust that with this human mind if it really is something so OUT THERE, that I'd be able to comprehend what it is that I want answers about. 
I remember seeing choices at one point and that it really was possible that I could stop all the exploring I've been doing and live my life like everyone else, in a state of my unawareness and I'd just be adding to the massive white noise but I WOULD be doing something. I'd be another cog in the wheel, like a wall flower. It's similar with my emotions...I want to be happy and live in joy but I see so many doing that and right now truly is an easy time to be doing that with a lot of us waking up. And I can so feel the great movement towards light and towards love and I really do like it but I know there is still something else. Or maybe I just can't settle on what my heart wants.
I have trouble with making choices because there really ISN'T a right or wrong choice and since I can't just go on what I desire most since I desire all of them equally the same, I usually just listen to the loudest voice. I don't want to do that. 
But then I think of how I like the native american culture, the christian culture, the Buddhist culture, the new age culture, the pagan or wiccan culture and so on and so forth and that I have learned from ALL of them and it has given me a greater understanding of life from a more multifaceted understanding. Yet I always wonder if it would be more useful if I'd just dedicate myself to one. Why am I unable to do that? Others find themselves at least gravitating more to one then the other...I don't really do that. I just now said that I'm not really interested in the darker path and that was the first thing in years that I'd even chosen not to associate with as much. But it's like I want it all and I lose myself in the process, or do I? 
It's the same with walking away from the one I love most. I had the desire strongly for more masculine energy in my life and he also never could share his world with me because when he did things didn't turn out so well. We were at an em pass. I was too much in this world and his was too much in his own. And yet we shared something...more. As I had spoken of the other day. But I would have never stayed with it for so long if I'd listened to all those other loud voices. I was loyal to one voice and it was that 'more' that I desire so much. It makes me wonder still why I chose to be here, today. My mother said something very touching to me, "Well, that's a hard question to answer. But one thing I do know why you are here for is to love your mother because the love you have shared with me is something very precious to me and it has helped me in every aspect of my life." That meant the world to me. And I remember when I was in the stranger place a few months ago how I had a choice. Stay with the world and shine my light but let go of your 'true love'. Or follow him and return to the new world that maybe I came from. But I know I'm here for a purpose. I just sometimes feel like I'm going to get left behind...And I don't know how to explain it. 
But I'm going to stay. I love my home and my family and what I've learned here and I do feel there is a reason I am here. Maybe I can love life, learn to be more free, create and search for my answers. It almost feels as though I am here, very present but there is another part of me that isn't. And I want to see with these eyes whatever it is that another part of me see's. I know, it sounds confusing and maybe a little bit wacko. I can't even promise myself it isn't wacko to some degree but it's just what I feel. 
So again with the choices...how do I even know what to choose? Free will can be a tricky thing, sometimes. Especially when there really isn't a 'right' or a 'wrong' - then it's all up to you. What will I choose? Logic also doesn't help me out in times like this and my heart screams a million answers, my true self seems to leave the choice 'up to me' and there isn't even a basis of what would be more beneficial to me or to others. 
Spreading my light could be wonderful and I know I have so much to share with others but I feel that this light could also be used for 'something more'. And granted, that sounds fishy to me since I don't see what's more then helping out others and giving them love. But I guess I see it as...I can help out this planet with my light like everyone else is doing...or I can help out this universe with my light. But I can't do that without having some knowing, some purpose and some idea of what it is all about. Especially when I have a million other desires leading me in different directions. Some how I feel I knew how crazy all of this would be...But where does that come from? That knowing? That knowing that there would be a million choices before me and I just have to trust my OWN knowing as to do what it is that I came here to do. And that no, it's not end all of I don't. But there is something more to all of this.


-Liz
simplicity evades me and my circular thoughts 

Finding that still voice in my mind & listening-

Space from him has helped me realize what it was that made me feel so strongly about our relationship.
I just wanted someone who would truly love ME. Not my body, not even my personality but me. My very essence, who I really am. Because I always see people that way. I look at who they really are. I see how beautiful they are and I love their very essence.
But for years that's why I felt so alone. It was like watching people who were dreaming and even when they were looking at me and talking to me, they weren't really looking, they weren't really talking. And the guys who would smile at my smile and love me, they didn't see me, either.
Because I was so different, because I showed my true self they believed I was the one for them. They would believe I was so beautiful and so interesting. They would idolize me without seeing me. Without realizing, they too were beautiful and every girl they'd ever loved had that same beauty I had but like them were unaware.
I tried dating guys when I was younger but I couldn't do it. I felt like I was an alien. I always felt too different. I couldn't give them what they were asking me because I didn't feel the way they did about life.
This is why I wanted true love. It wasn't a fantasy. I wanted someone who could see ME, the real me and love me with all their heart and soul and I knew that only someone who was aware of themselves could see me as well. That was my wish that I wished for every night. Because for so long I spent my life loving others and wishing for their happiness and looking at them, being loyal to them.
But I wanted for this man to come into my life and to see ME, like I had seen everyone. To love ME in return. To fill the gap I felt between the love I gave and the love I received.

I've grown so much as a person and now I don't feel as alone, I see that there were a lot of times I was walking around in my 'unawares' as well. But when it came to love between a man and a woman, there was always something different about my awareness. Almost as if I'd experienced true love before with a man. Like I just knew. This love reached out to every part of my life and is what helped me to transform as a person, today. It did change me when he came into my life.

Because he did see ME and he loved me with all of his being. He was more aware then I was and it hurt me to treat him the way I did at times. Yet his love was always unconditional, never overbearing. That's why I'd say he was the 'one' for me in the sense that he SAW me. I'd begun to believe that I was the only one awake in that aspect of life. Marriages falling apart...boyfriend and girlfriends staying together. I never saw a relationship like I had with him and granted there were some trials we never went through but there were also some that no one else goes through. Like the fact that for about seven years we apart physically more then when we were together and our love only seemed to grow stronger and more beautiful.
And also the fact that it had it's moments of drama but it was actually a safe haven in my life. I grew as a person in all aspects of my life through this relationship. It literally opened my heart back up, like a flowing finally blooming. And with just a mere thought of him and our love I'd break into unbearable smiles, I'd dance and feel happiness I didn't know existed. To me, that's what heaven is. It's found between two people who truly love one another and express it openly.

I don't believe we were different from anyone else, I never TRULY did believe that. I thought the only difference between us is that we were aware of ourselves and how much we loved one another. This is a condemnation and I don't think I've done a better job then other because it certainly takes courage to work the relationship problems but for me it was very hard to know I could have so much more with a person and believe that no one else out there could give that to me in return.

I want to believe that even through all of our pain, fears and whatever else scars that are left on our hearts when can still look in one another's eyes and really see each other, right then, in that moment. That's why it tears me up that for now it's over between us in that way but it also encourages me to see that there are others out there...That I'm not only. Some people are aware, some people can see.

Like a man walking in a crowd of cloaks and he's the only one who doesn't wear one and doesn't try not to look each other in the eyes and see, really see.

I don't want to be afraid of what's 'inside' of me or for anyone to be afraid to show me the truth about their 'insides'. I want to remember why I wanted that love so much because when you find someone who can really see you and you realize that you're not alone...the whole world changes...it shifts.
Last night I was laughing and having so much fun. I was in so much joy. But unlike before I couldn't feel that overwhelming happiness I felt when I'd think of him, anymore. I know it's not gone but somehow I see why the world is a better place when there are people in it who you can trust and love with all your heart.

I feel like I love everyone and some people I'm more unaware of then other's but I do my best to express it in reality. I see how my friends and my family have showered me with love and I am constantly amazed by their strength, integrity and love that they give to me and share with others. Each and every one of them are warrior's of love in my eyes. But I have to ask myself did I do the right thing by walking away from him, from all we'd built together?
I feel in my heart that even if it hurts him he will always be aware of our love and not forsake it but somehow that doesn't feel enough. I told myself that it was me just listening to my ego. That when you really love someone you do what is best for them. One, we didn't really get to talk about it and it's complicated and two, everything my close friend told me I still feel is true. I feel he needs his chance to explore his own path and he would stay here with me forever if I let him. But if what I am suspecting is true that wouldn't end well for either one of us.

When I think of him, I feel as though I can read his mind. If there is a soulmate, twin flame or whatever else I feel it's him. And even if he isn't we have that strong connection and aware of the eternal love we share. I feel as though he were telling me, "Share with the world the love you have. You are worried that you are alone but you know that you never are. You are so very loved and it never changes. But now you are stronger and someone could really benefit from this love that you have to offer."

And I hear the truth in his words. He helped me up the ladder, now it's my chance to help him. I wish it could change, the situation but right now it seems like the separation is for everyone's good. I always wanted our love to be a blessing to others and not something to cause pain and anguish.

All I know is that I'm afraid of losing my love for myself that has grown. I want that happiness again, of course. I am afraid to take another unaware into my life and it test every bit of true love left or growing in my heart. The thought of it is exhausting to me...it's not appealing at all.

I'm fighting between the thought of taking on the challenge, growing EVEN more as a person and helping the world or following me heart. Following the desire and the wish in my heart to be free, to love someone who does love me openly in return and can be free and true to himself as well. I don't think I'm that aware yet but just more aware then the average masses so it would be wrong to expect someone else who is more aware then me to show up in my life and though I do prefer that in some ways I'm not sure if it would be so beneficial. I remember with him it was hard to be at such a different level of aware and know that I was doing things to hurt him without having the experience, will or knowledge to keep it from happening and I also know it had to test every ounce of his true love. But he did and I'd say he was wonderful. I don't have all the answers, not even close and any of the answers I do have our my truth.

Bringing another person into the variable of my life automatically complicates things and I am also automatically responsible for them. I don't want to treat someone like a game for me own loneliness and I don't think I would because I do love very strongly but I know it's possible even for a more aware person. But I know what my heart cry is: I don't want to walk this earth without true love expressed to me. Whatever form or fashion.

I feel selfish when I say that because I know the existence of it should be enough but I was thinking the other night, "NO! Isn't life all about the journey? All about expressing and creating love while it is dormant and ready to be used within you." I want that created in my life and I want to use it to benefit myself and everyone else. I've seen the potential of it and I've grown from the truth and life of it, already. I know the strength it gives me and I know my own weaknesses better then if I'd never had it before.

I have a long life ahead of me and I am still very young. I can do and create so many things. I don't even know where to begin and sometimes it feels like that holds me back. I don't know where to begin, I don't know where my heart is leading me to go. I know love is the big deal for me but where, how? I am an artist but I could do so many things and be absolutely in love with it. I do want to live it up and experience the world but I don't want to just live in every little nook and cranny and not really ever express and share my truth and love with the world. I want to give back to the world, as well. I want to leave a gift. I want to help bring about change. And there are so many ways to do that, as my brother would say. I don't know where to begin. I do the small things for now but it's my 'profession' that most confuses me. I know now would be the best time to really start sitting down and writing my heart out or getting out the easel and painting my heart out. But I have so many things I want to do and I think about and life is going on at the same time. And then there's that desire. That desire to find someone. It's not all consuming like it used to be but I also see that it doesn't just go away.

I tried to blame it on massive insecurity, codependency, ego. I didn't want it to become something I had to have or I wouldn't be happy. That'd mean that love wasn't enough and I knew that went against my truth. But it's like my mother told me, "I'm in my fifties and it hasn't gone away. It never does, I've been like you before and just prayed for it to go away but it won't. It's part of being you, it's part of the human experience."
But then I also remembered that without desire, we'd be dead. Desire is the proof that I'm alive, wanting to give, create and receive more means that I have more life to live. If I felt complete then there'd be no reason to be living this life. And that is one of my desires like anyone else. To be with someone intimately. I do have other desires and I'm not totally ruined by being alone. It bugs me at times but it doesn't put me in an insecure depression like it had at times in the past. And even with the breakup, it was nothing like that breakup I had with Billy. Granted that was a totally different situation and caught me off guard but needless to say I have grown so much since then.

It's just one of my wishes, one of my dreams. And I do believe that now is the time for dreams to come true. Every one of them. And the one's that don't just aren't truly dreams you need to express your life here on Earth.
I'm not in a rush, though my passion may drive me mad at times. I don't mind waiting, I've done it before and can do it again. I'm open for what is to happen though I do feel that string in my heart beginning to tug for someone else. Whatever may come, I pray for peace for my brother or sister and that while I am a fire bird at heart, I remember that prayer. Thank-you, multiverse.

-Elizabeth