So, if my last few posts haven't been evident enough, I've been a little overwhelmed recently. I've come to believe it may partially be because I am unbalanced.
Let me explain, one : I am sick. Why am I sick? Because lately I have been staying up far later then I need to. Why is this? I am always thinking - so involved in life and being part of it.
I would have recovered my illness over the weekend but the day before school I spent almost all the day talking on the phone and socializing. And then I went hoarse! I've hardly been able to speak all day but in some ways, I think this is a good thing. I'm trying to listen now, instead of speaking. In fact, yesterday, I felt that I was talking so much but not really saying what I wanted to say. I'm going to try and be silent more and speak when I feel I really know what I'm saying. I have millions of thoughts in my head, it's easy for me to ramble but there is something lighter about just listening and truly hearing. The world seems a different place.
Secondly: My school is far behind. I have no motivation whatsoever to do it. It's like my brain can't even wrap around the most simple things. I feel like I am pulling teeth but today I made myself do it.
Three: I've not been tending to my chores as much or to exercising and keeping my body healthy. And while my mind is in spiritual matters, I am not really sticking to any sort of routine.
The basics of my life are lacking and without a foundation how can I ever move forward? I have been so consumed in my contemplation that I've forgotten just to live. I will admit that I feel there is literally something else I want to be doing with my time and I wish I could be out on my own doing whatever that is but I want to work for it not have it handed to my on a silver platter.
I think it would be important for me to spend more time on the basics then ALL my time in contemplation. I'd already come to this conclusion but it's what I do when I'm feeling lost. And I have been feeling lost. It's hard for me to trust God. To trust that there is one. I spent many years of my life believing that, that was a cop out and that even if there is a creator it wasn't a being I could interact with. The problem is, I love God. I feel so happy and I felt so happy when I feel God in my life. It's all about love, right? I keep telling myself over and over like a mantra, God is just like a parent. But that's not what God is to me, God is everything. I remember seeing the Lion sun and the Mother moon and those were my parents. Yet, I have seen God in all of those I love and more. But that makes it so hard for me to understand, that infinite connection. Like I said, it's hard for me to have faith in it or to believe and I think that has put me in a difficult place as a Believer.
I've not been practicing my ascended masters teachings either and that I can't really explain why. It's just like I can't stand feeling like I could possibly be trapping myself into something that might not be working. But I've always said that if it makes me happy and it matters to me then that's all that matters. Yet, right now, since I'm having trouble, that doesn't matter to me. I take what I can from it and learn, I keep reminding myself that.
I think there is a part of me that just wants a break. I want to live to the fullest but I don't want every day to be like pushing a bolder through a snow storm.
So I'm going to try and start with the basics and move on up. I'll try to ignore that digging feeling that I need to be living a certain way and remember that this is MY life and I should be able to live it however I want to.
I need to get my license, so I am trying to find that book which can tell me the enigma of the freaking emergency break. No, it isn't putting it in neutral and then letting a roll back a little while stopping it with the e brake. I remember my instructor clearly saying, "What are you doing?!" And that's all I've gotten online. I'll figure it out, though. I'm a smart cookie. After I get that I will start my search for a job and I already have a few places in mind. Now that I am 18 my chances of getting one are far greater then when I was no considered a legal adult, yet.
I want to stay focused on my school work and get that out of the way. I don't know what I want to 'do' with my life yet. I don't know about career, I don't know about location or if I want to school. I am not at that point yet and I won't force myself. I'm going to keep my eyes open but I'm not in a big rush. I still have plenty of time to figure it all out. Though, I would like to hurry up and start living on my own and just seeing how it is to live as an adult. I would like to gain that experience.
I think I'd also have far less time to think about all this craziness if I applied myself more into my life even if it doesn't seem like turn of the century entertainment. I just kept thinking about kids who live in a world where they starve every day and they have no clothes...They will never afford to go to school and many of the live and die alone. I would call myself a monster for ever asking for more if I didn't remember that it's hard for me to even comprehend a world like that. I've never seen anything like it, never experienced anything like it.
Mother is right, I've lived a fairly easy life. No, not emotionally but I can't even say it is anything in comparison to my friends. Father killed himself or father killed mother...God, I can't even imagine it. And when I can, I feel only great respect for those who go through what they do because I know I wouldn't be so strong.
I guess I say all this to say I could at least see the suffering they go through and not waste what they would do anything to have and then maybe I can even be of a benefit to them, to help them. How can I be so concerned with my own affairs when they are over there starving to death? I can't and won't just detach myself from reality anymore. I've got to find a way to help and I know I can.
And I'll take it one day at a time. Blessings to all of you,
love and light - nemaste
-Liz
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