I don't care about the things I used to care about and I don't want the same things I used to want. How can I blame them for being somewhere different? I voluntarily chose this path. I even let my old romantic relationship go so that I could rediscover myself in that area. I want to know that I can be who I want to be if I am in a relationship with him and I'm not there, right now. I feel I'd use him passed my own limits. I love him, I do not want to misuse our love.
But not I feel that I am 'walking a lonely road'. I am not as lonely as I thought I would be since I do in some ways feel surrounded by angels. And I also have many grown up friends of whom I trust dearly and have been relying on, lately.
I remember a few months ago when I first face losing all the friendships I'd once relied on and how scared I felt. Well, in some ways it has happened but not in the way I thought it was going happen. I will say, it is still scary and it has definitely hurt. It has also tested my own love and forgiveness for myself since it is so easy to slip into a feeling of guilt with these situations. How many times have I wanted to force my way back into their lives and work to make things the way I wanted them to be?
A part of me feels like I am not being honest by not telling them how I want things to be but I have tried before and sometimes there really is a time to let it be and let someone go in peace. I don't want to cause an issue when the issue is just in my own heart now. I will let them go their own way in peace.
Doing that scares me because I know that unless something changes in them, they really will leave in peace and maybe even forget me on their way. It's scarier this way but I no longer want to cause others pain when it is not necessary. I know in truth I'd probably never be REALLY forgotten by them. But there is something scary about knowing that someone can let you go and move on with their life happily. It's not that I do not wish happiness for them but I guess it makes me feel like I don't mean much to them. And then this makes me question my own heart. Should I trust again? Should I risk the loss, again? I know what I've gained but what have I lost?
I don't want to live a life depending on others but what is a life without others? I used to say such bold words to these friends of mine and not that I'm actually living it out I just feel empty. I do not feel empowered, right now.
I know I have not stopped loving them and that will never happen but our paths are parting and it's always going to be a little bit sad. Especially when I feel like there is only emptiness left with. The world feels silent and I just want a friend. I've not been friendless for seven years. And even then, there were only short periods where I didn't have a close friend. I have people I can go to. But there is no one my age right now that I can speak to.
I expect this to be scary to me so I'm not really complaining because I'm sure I can also grow from this experience and maybe it'll help me to be stronger on my own. I don't like being SO dependent on other people. I'm hoping I can work to help me feel more confident in myself.
Again, I am grateful for every moment I've spent with any friend but I know also, everything in this life changes. So I will not try to stop this from happening but I will turn with it. I am loved and loving.
This is my truest comfort in these moments; knowing beyond a shadow of doubt that I am not alone.
AND! On a more positive note, I am very excited about the life set out ahead of me and the fact that so many things are leaving my life but they are also releasing the restraints on me. While this may be a bit painful and force me to face some things about myself, I really feel my life is changing for the better.
Thank-you, beloved I AM.
-Elizabeth, always with love
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